MAKEUP TRENDS DISCUSSED BY THIS IDIOT

I spend a lot of time in Sephora. Probably an unhealthy amount of time, especially considering I keep buying the same shades of lipstick and eyeshadow that I already have in other brands. The rest of the time I'm just at the mall and realize I look like hot garbage and go in to use the product testers to fix my blemishes and melting mascara. I have no shame.

As a makeup lover and abundant user (despite my lack of product diversity), I'm confused with a few current makeup trends. Sure, it's not quite on the level of 80s blue eyeshadow (or the white eyeshadow I rocked in 2005, yikes), but some of these confuse me.

1) Blue/purple/black lipstick

 



First, I'm not hatin on blue. It's my favorite color. I have too many blue things. Shirts, pants, bras, underwear, shoes, toothbrushes, cake... but I digress. Blue has its place, and that place is not your lips. Until 2016, blue lips generally meant you needed urgent medical attention and/or could be suffering from hypothermia, but now it means you want to be like Kylie Jenner.

People, just stop. We have Halloween, isn't that enough for you? This trend was probably pioneered by high fashion magazines with no attempt to make it mainstream - I mean for the love of god editorial models have worn gold leaf on their skin and had actual spiders on their faces, so I'm pretty sure they don't mean for any of their posture-offending photos to result in actual products being produced and used. You think you look like that girl above. You don't. You look like this:

Yeah. Think about waking up next to that face.

2) "Highlighter"

Every cosmetics company has some version of this now, which is sparkly-ish powder or liquid that you put around your eyes in some specific manner that's supposed to "highlight" your face. You're supposed to look "dewy," where the light catches your skin.



GUYS. No one needs to BUY highlighter. Seriously. We all make our own. IT'S CALLED SWEAT. This is what highlighter is supposed to make you look like, but I managed to achieve that exact same look walking around Singapore in 90 degrees and 90% humidity. Want to go out to the club and don't have any highlighter? Park 4 blocks away and walk there. BOOM, highlighter achieved for $0.

Also since when did being a ball of sweat become the in thing? I thought people carried powder in their purse to cover up shine, or had that oil-absorbing paper. SERIOUSLY I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK ANYMORE.

3) Contouring

I as much as anyone mourn my lack of cheekbones, but I think there's a reasonable stopping point that comes way before painting your face like a tiger and rubbing it in. Call it laziness, call it "I'm pretty okay with the way I look" - whatever, I don't need 7 different colors of makeup with strategic placement to act as my own personal photoshop. I mean, people are going to find out what you really look like at some point, and if it's your significant other, I'd be a little worried about their reaction, since you look like a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON.

The only thing I have to hide is my blonde eyelashes, not the actual physical shape of my face. And this is only if you do it RIGHT. Not everyone has mastered the "art" of contouring...

So basically just because something is a "trend" doesn't mean you should start doing it, or else you might end up looking like a sweaty, blue-lipped clown. I hear guys are really into that.