A year ago, if I was searching for a full-time job with decent pay I'd be excited because I could afford a nicer apartment and things like fancy purses or bulk purchases at Forever21. Now, while I obviously need money to feed myself and pay for a place to live, my outlook is completely different. I'm dying to save some money to go on a trip - and not to Hawaii or Cancun, I want to go back to Asia, or Europe, or somewhere in South America where I won't be kidnapped and sold into the slave trade by drug czars (that still happens, right?). So here's how two months living on the other side of the world changed my life:
1) I now know that I can happily live in a prison-cell-sized apartment because I'll only be there for a few hours of awake time a day.
2) Living in LA made me not even think twice about the fact that everyone around me was speaking another language.
3) If I lived somewhere with public transportation I would legitimately never have to exercise.
4) Food in other countries is apparently better for you than food in the US because it's less processed (also helping with #3)
5) Exploring is a perfectly acceptable daytime activity if you're bored.
6) The best place to have alone time is in a place where no one knows you or speaks your language. That way you can't even be bothered with other people's problems, because you don't understand what the hell they're saying.
7) Other cultures are fascinating - from the subway ads to the local stores, everything is new and interesting.
8) I need a better camera.
9) I want to eat all the things. Except the eyeballs and intestines, but everything else.
10) I have adequately trained my stomach to handle street food like a champ.
11) I can walk into a tiny noodle shop alone with no English signs, order food, eat and pay simply by pointing.
12) No one else understands the joy of an ice cold beverage like Americans. Someone needs to invent an ice fanny pack so we can bring our own to restaurants in case of emergency.
13) I want to go ALL THE PLACES and I have some serious catching up to do.
14) Someone please list all the countries that have squat toilets so that I may be adequately prepared and/or avoid them altogether.
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Sunday, April 13, 2014
TRADING IN FOR A NEWER MODEL
I think bodies should have warranties. I'd like to think that my body was made to last until at least 40 without any major overhauls or malfunctioning parts, but unfortunately it doesn't appear to work this way. If it did, I'd march right in to the body office and tell them "Hi, I need a new body, this one is defective."
I make old jokes all the time because I'm over 30. I don't really think I'm old, and I sure as hell don't act like I am. That's just one of those things, once you turn 30 you're officially an "adult" and supposed to do adult things. I know plenty of my friends who look their age, and a decent number who look younger. I fall into the latter category. I've been told 24-25 is what people would assume if I were a stranger and they knew nothing about me. So obviously my face, hair and skin are not defective because I don't even look as old as I am.
I can tell you just about exactly when I started feeling physically old - when I was only 28. Until then I could drink like a pro, exercise without injury, wake up without random body aches and pains, and generally go about my business without something breaking. I wasn't aware that this was something to be cherished and treasured, I just thought I was NORMAL.
Then 28 rolls around. I notice a few problems creeping up - namely my relationship with alcohol. Alcohol and I were relatively good friends, especially during law school when I took it upon myself to make up for 4 years of college with a boyfriend. I rarely had hangovers, almost never vomited, and headaches didn't exist. Up until that time the only headaches I'd ever had were in relation to an illness.
Magically alcohol became my enemy. I don't know if they changed the formula but I'm pretty sure that would've been newsworthy, so I'm guessing it was my body that changed and not the booze. Over the past 4 years I've gone from "no hangover" to "hangover WHILE I'M STILL DRINKING". Yes, my friends, I actually begin my hangover approximately 2 hours after I start drinking. Headache, nausea, bloating (dear god I bloat like a fucking Macy's balloon, so sexy right?) are all happening when I'm STILL AT THE BAR. Wonder why I never meet anyone when I'm out? BECAUSE I'M THINKING ABOUT HOW TO KILL MYSELF.
One beer? Feel like death. One glass of wine? Feel like death. You get the picture. The only reason I haven't given up alcohol completely is because I must be drunk to be around drunk people. Think I don't like people normally? I DESPISE drunk people when I'm sober. So I drink not to hate.
The other thing is that alcohol is the bringer of bad decisions. In your 20s, those bad decisions involve things like random strangers, binge-eating a dozen donuts and waking up on a park bench in a strange city wearing hospital scrubs - and at least they come with a good story. Bad decisions in your 30s also can be fueled by alcohol, they're just a little less exciting and have long-term consequences, such as "I'm going to do the splits without stretching because this random fat guy is going to try and I used to be a dancer 14 YEARS AGO".
My hamstring and I are still not on the best of terms, and that was over a month ago. Hey buddy, why don't you heal yourself up like you would if I were 23 again, I got shit to do. If I'm dancing at a bar or club, I can't do certain moves because I HAVE OLD KNEES. I leave work every day wishing I was dating a masseuse because my neck and shoulders have all but detached from my body. And now I have back problems. WHO HAS BACK PROBLEMS WHEN THEY'RE 32?!?
This is the second time in a year my back has gone all old-lady on me, making moving difficult and hurting even when I'm doing things that require no movement, like SLEEPING. For real? I'm not obese or a smoker or addicted to meth, so I really shouldn't be dealing with this until I'm 50. So now I have to forgo exercise of all types until my back heals up while taking more pills than an AIDS patient.
My right ankle pretty much doesn't have tendons. The damn thing will give out while I'm simply walking, and I've sprained it to the point of incapacitation at least 3 times in 2 years. I had a stress fracture in my right shin from training for a race a few years ago, and sometimes the damn thing still aches. I feel like one of those weird old people who can feel weather changes in their bones, telling you all about it while force-feeding you Werther's Originals. And keep this in mind - I'm not an athlete. These are not sports injuries due to overuse, these are "I tripped over my own feet walking into the bathroom" type injuries.
And let's not mention the two times I had to go to the hospital to get an IV, one of which may or may not have been at a Chinese restaurant where I had to be carried to the car by a gigantic Chinese linebacker who happened to be wandering around the restaurant looking for damsels in distress. It's even worse when you're in the hospital bed while your mother and grandmother (65 and 94 respectively) look on in perfect health with worry in their eyes. REALLY? MY GRANDMA'S BODY FUNCTIONS BETTER THAN MINE? Good god.
The real irony here is the fact that the one part of my body that functions most effectively? MY BRAIN. Yeah. Chew on that for a little while.
I make old jokes all the time because I'm over 30. I don't really think I'm old, and I sure as hell don't act like I am. That's just one of those things, once you turn 30 you're officially an "adult" and supposed to do adult things. I know plenty of my friends who look their age, and a decent number who look younger. I fall into the latter category. I've been told 24-25 is what people would assume if I were a stranger and they knew nothing about me. So obviously my face, hair and skin are not defective because I don't even look as old as I am.
I can tell you just about exactly when I started feeling physically old - when I was only 28. Until then I could drink like a pro, exercise without injury, wake up without random body aches and pains, and generally go about my business without something breaking. I wasn't aware that this was something to be cherished and treasured, I just thought I was NORMAL.
Then 28 rolls around. I notice a few problems creeping up - namely my relationship with alcohol. Alcohol and I were relatively good friends, especially during law school when I took it upon myself to make up for 4 years of college with a boyfriend. I rarely had hangovers, almost never vomited, and headaches didn't exist. Up until that time the only headaches I'd ever had were in relation to an illness.
Magically alcohol became my enemy. I don't know if they changed the formula but I'm pretty sure that would've been newsworthy, so I'm guessing it was my body that changed and not the booze. Over the past 4 years I've gone from "no hangover" to "hangover WHILE I'M STILL DRINKING". Yes, my friends, I actually begin my hangover approximately 2 hours after I start drinking. Headache, nausea, bloating (dear god I bloat like a fucking Macy's balloon, so sexy right?) are all happening when I'm STILL AT THE BAR. Wonder why I never meet anyone when I'm out? BECAUSE I'M THINKING ABOUT HOW TO KILL MYSELF.
One beer? Feel like death. One glass of wine? Feel like death. You get the picture. The only reason I haven't given up alcohol completely is because I must be drunk to be around drunk people. Think I don't like people normally? I DESPISE drunk people when I'm sober. So I drink not to hate.
The other thing is that alcohol is the bringer of bad decisions. In your 20s, those bad decisions involve things like random strangers, binge-eating a dozen donuts and waking up on a park bench in a strange city wearing hospital scrubs - and at least they come with a good story. Bad decisions in your 30s also can be fueled by alcohol, they're just a little less exciting and have long-term consequences, such as "I'm going to do the splits without stretching because this random fat guy is going to try and I used to be a dancer 14 YEARS AGO".
My hamstring and I are still not on the best of terms, and that was over a month ago. Hey buddy, why don't you heal yourself up like you would if I were 23 again, I got shit to do. If I'm dancing at a bar or club, I can't do certain moves because I HAVE OLD KNEES. I leave work every day wishing I was dating a masseuse because my neck and shoulders have all but detached from my body. And now I have back problems. WHO HAS BACK PROBLEMS WHEN THEY'RE 32?!?
This is the second time in a year my back has gone all old-lady on me, making moving difficult and hurting even when I'm doing things that require no movement, like SLEEPING. For real? I'm not obese or a smoker or addicted to meth, so I really shouldn't be dealing with this until I'm 50. So now I have to forgo exercise of all types until my back heals up while taking more pills than an AIDS patient.
My right ankle pretty much doesn't have tendons. The damn thing will give out while I'm simply walking, and I've sprained it to the point of incapacitation at least 3 times in 2 years. I had a stress fracture in my right shin from training for a race a few years ago, and sometimes the damn thing still aches. I feel like one of those weird old people who can feel weather changes in their bones, telling you all about it while force-feeding you Werther's Originals. And keep this in mind - I'm not an athlete. These are not sports injuries due to overuse, these are "I tripped over my own feet walking into the bathroom" type injuries.
And let's not mention the two times I had to go to the hospital to get an IV, one of which may or may not have been at a Chinese restaurant where I had to be carried to the car by a gigantic Chinese linebacker who happened to be wandering around the restaurant looking for damsels in distress. It's even worse when you're in the hospital bed while your mother and grandmother (65 and 94 respectively) look on in perfect health with worry in their eyes. REALLY? MY GRANDMA'S BODY FUNCTIONS BETTER THAN MINE? Good god.
The real irony here is the fact that the one part of my body that functions most effectively? MY BRAIN. Yeah. Chew on that for a little while.
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
YOU MUST BE PSYCHIC
The other day I went to a psychic. Yes, like one of the ones with the neon signs of "psychic" and "tarot readings" in the windows. Why did I go to a psychic?
1) I'm batshit crazy, specifically at this moment.
2) I had a Groupon.
"But you're always batshit crazy, so why is now different?" you ask. I blame a friend who told me about her ridiculously accurate chakra reading and made me desperate for someone to tell me something positive was going to happen in the next month or so. I'm about to graduate, I'm looking for a job, and as always, I want a goddamned boyfriend. Three things I have little to no control over.
I don't even technically believe in psychics, although I've seen things and heard things from friends that dampen my skepticism. I'm kind of like Mulder, with that poster of the UFO saying "I want to believe." I do, I SO WANT TO BELIEVE. If you don't get that reference, obviously you weren't at the XFiles convention I went to in 1995.
So my insanely skeptical self sat down with some random chick who whips out her tarot cards and tells me to shuffle them while thinking really hard about the things I want answers to. That wasn't difficult, since my mind is consumed with the thought that come May 16, I will be homeless and jobless and I will have to resort to writing my resume on cardboard with a sharpie I borrow from a gas station attendant.
As she pulls out the cards she starts saying things, like "do you have an interview or meeting in the next ten days?" (keep in mind my only information for her was my name and birth date, which I told her upon entering so no google searches allowed). I had, in fact, received an email that morning scheduling a call with a large PR firm for two days out, so that was a tad spooky. Then, the next day, I got a call from another place setting up a physical interview. Score 1 for psychic lady.
She pulled up more cards, saying that she sees that I will be moving in the next 10 weeks, which is true - job or not, my landlord is selling this apartment in May and my rent will likely be doubled. That and I want to get closer to the damn ocean and its breezes that make 90 degree days livable.
Then she got down to the nuts and bolts of why I had always secretly wanted to see a psychic but was too embarrassed to before: the "love" card. She looked at it for a second and was like "You're not currently in a relationship, are you?" I don't know if it was the cat hair on my shirt or the desperation in my eyes, or if she was actually psychic, but I told her she was correct. Then she told me she sees me being in a relationship within 10 weeks, that it will be a long-term relationship and that I have not met this person yet. I supposedly will be introduced by one of my male friends. That narrows it down a ton, since I probably have more male friends than female friends. But I grasp for straws where they're given, and I held onto this one tightly.
So the over-under on this one was that I'm going to be introduced to a dude by a friend (always the best way, in my opinion), my interviews will be fruitful and will lead to something shortly and that I will be financially stable soon - she specifically said stable but not rich. Which, dear god, is all I'm asking for. I've never felt the glory of financial stability so this is like my ultimate sad adult dream.
She said some other shit about having a friend who was jealous of me and didn't want me to succeed, but I couldn't pin that on anyone except perhaps EVERYONE AT MY FIRST JOB but I think she was meaning currently. But then again likely most young females have one friend who is like that, so she could've just pulled that out of her ass and 90% of people would have related to it. I will be "surrounded by good friends" soon, "perhaps at a wedding or other event" so I'll put that on going to Austin next weekend and seeing 10,000 people (ok probably just 10) I haven't seen in years.
Part of me now understands why people need religion - they need to feel in control when their life is completely out of control. I guess some people believing in "god's plan" is sort of like me going to a psychic to tell me things that take a tiny bit of anxiety out of my everyday life. If I don't magically find a boyfriend in 10 weeks, I won't be shocked - only a tiny part of me actually believes she's right about any number of things - but to hear someone tell you, an uninterested third party, that you'll be employed, financially stable, and finally have a man is nice to hear, if nothing else.
And my friends and parents could say the same thing over and over, but just like your mom telling you she doesn't understand why the "cool kids" don't like you since she thinks you're cool, your family and friends telling you you'll get a job and find stability in life is sweet, but biased and meant to make you feel better.
Make fun all you like, but making me calm the fuck down while life takes its course is exactly what I needed, and maybe I did it through non-traditional means. At least it keeps me away from panic attacks and extra doses of benzos.
1) I'm batshit crazy, specifically at this moment.
2) I had a Groupon.
"But you're always batshit crazy, so why is now different?" you ask. I blame a friend who told me about her ridiculously accurate chakra reading and made me desperate for someone to tell me something positive was going to happen in the next month or so. I'm about to graduate, I'm looking for a job, and as always, I want a goddamned boyfriend. Three things I have little to no control over.
I don't even technically believe in psychics, although I've seen things and heard things from friends that dampen my skepticism. I'm kind of like Mulder, with that poster of the UFO saying "I want to believe." I do, I SO WANT TO BELIEVE. If you don't get that reference, obviously you weren't at the XFiles convention I went to in 1995.
So my insanely skeptical self sat down with some random chick who whips out her tarot cards and tells me to shuffle them while thinking really hard about the things I want answers to. That wasn't difficult, since my mind is consumed with the thought that come May 16, I will be homeless and jobless and I will have to resort to writing my resume on cardboard with a sharpie I borrow from a gas station attendant.
As she pulls out the cards she starts saying things, like "do you have an interview or meeting in the next ten days?" (keep in mind my only information for her was my name and birth date, which I told her upon entering so no google searches allowed). I had, in fact, received an email that morning scheduling a call with a large PR firm for two days out, so that was a tad spooky. Then, the next day, I got a call from another place setting up a physical interview. Score 1 for psychic lady.
She pulled up more cards, saying that she sees that I will be moving in the next 10 weeks, which is true - job or not, my landlord is selling this apartment in May and my rent will likely be doubled. That and I want to get closer to the damn ocean and its breezes that make 90 degree days livable.
Then she got down to the nuts and bolts of why I had always secretly wanted to see a psychic but was too embarrassed to before: the "love" card. She looked at it for a second and was like "You're not currently in a relationship, are you?" I don't know if it was the cat hair on my shirt or the desperation in my eyes, or if she was actually psychic, but I told her she was correct. Then she told me she sees me being in a relationship within 10 weeks, that it will be a long-term relationship and that I have not met this person yet. I supposedly will be introduced by one of my male friends. That narrows it down a ton, since I probably have more male friends than female friends. But I grasp for straws where they're given, and I held onto this one tightly.
So the over-under on this one was that I'm going to be introduced to a dude by a friend (always the best way, in my opinion), my interviews will be fruitful and will lead to something shortly and that I will be financially stable soon - she specifically said stable but not rich. Which, dear god, is all I'm asking for. I've never felt the glory of financial stability so this is like my ultimate sad adult dream.
She said some other shit about having a friend who was jealous of me and didn't want me to succeed, but I couldn't pin that on anyone except perhaps EVERYONE AT MY FIRST JOB but I think she was meaning currently. But then again likely most young females have one friend who is like that, so she could've just pulled that out of her ass and 90% of people would have related to it. I will be "surrounded by good friends" soon, "perhaps at a wedding or other event" so I'll put that on going to Austin next weekend and seeing 10,000 people (ok probably just 10) I haven't seen in years.
Part of me now understands why people need religion - they need to feel in control when their life is completely out of control. I guess some people believing in "god's plan" is sort of like me going to a psychic to tell me things that take a tiny bit of anxiety out of my everyday life. If I don't magically find a boyfriend in 10 weeks, I won't be shocked - only a tiny part of me actually believes she's right about any number of things - but to hear someone tell you, an uninterested third party, that you'll be employed, financially stable, and finally have a man is nice to hear, if nothing else.
And my friends and parents could say the same thing over and over, but just like your mom telling you she doesn't understand why the "cool kids" don't like you since she thinks you're cool, your family and friends telling you you'll get a job and find stability in life is sweet, but biased and meant to make you feel better.
Make fun all you like, but making me calm the fuck down while life takes its course is exactly what I needed, and maybe I did it through non-traditional means. At least it keeps me away from panic attacks and extra doses of benzos.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
BOYFRIEND APPLICATION
I knew it would eventually come down to this, so here is my personally designed boyfriend application.
BOYFRIEND APPLICATION
Last name ___________ First name __________ DOB __________ Height __________ Weight_________ Hair color _________ Eye color _____________
Current City___________ Hometown ___________ Do you EVER hope to move back to your hometown? Y/N
PLEASE ANSWER ALL QUESTIONS HONESTLY, YOU ARE SUBJECT TO A POLYGRAPH IF I DEEM IT NECESSARY:
1) Do you have kids? Y/N If yes, please give their ages _______ How often are you required to see them? _______
2) Do you want (more) kids? Y/N (if yes, please wad this up and throw it in the trash)
3) On a scale of 1-10, how hairy do you consider yourself? ___ Is any of that on your back? Y/N
4) Do you currently have or plan on having facial hair more than just "not shaving for 3 days"? Y/N
5) Do you have at least a bachelor's degree from a non-online accredited 4-year university? Y/N
6) On a typical day, do you consider yourself happy or at least content? Y/N
7) Have you ever been prescribed antidepressants and refused to take them and/or have your friends ever suggested you see a therapist but you "don't believe in that"? Y/N
8) Are you on good terms with your parents? Y/N
9) Would you consider yourself racist or homophobic or has anyone told you that you are? Y/N
10) Do you own a gun? Y/N If yes (and you are not a law enforcement official), would you get rid of the gun if I asked you to? Y/N
11) Do you identify with any organized religion? Y/N If yes, and the answer is Christianity, please throw this paper away. If yes and it is not Christianity, please elaborate on beliefs and importance in your life __________________________________________________________________
12) Do you have any pets that are not CATS or DOGS? Y/N
13) Do you consider FoxNews to be a credible news authority? Y/N
14) Are you an "actor" (also known as "waiter" or "bartender")? Y/N
15) Please finish this sentence: "We got no FOOD, we got no JOBS....______________________"
16) Do you own any of the following (circle all that apply): Crocs Skinny jeans Gold chains
Anything ever worn by Justin Bieber
17) Do you "believe in marriage"? Y/N
18) How often do you drink? _______ How often do you drink HEAVILY?________
19) I introduce you as "cock biscuit" to a friend. How do you introduce me in response? _________________
20) Are you vegan or do you follow any stupid fad diet that will restrict where we go out to eat? Y/N
21) Do you have a REAL job (salaried and requires skill) and is it stable? Y/N
22) Do your friends think you're hilarious? Y/N
23) Have you ever been described as attractive by a female or gay man to whom you are not related? Y/N
24) Do you like country music? Y/N
25) Are you a convicted felon? Y/N
26) What is your general feeling on napping? _______________
Tell me a hilarious story of something that has happened to you. I am judging you both on what you find hilarious and your grammatical prowess.
_________________________________________________________________________________
_________________________________________________________________________________
Please return to Assbucket complete with a photograph showing a close-up of your face. You may include a silly photograph as well, but the "normal" face photo is a requirement. Applications without photographs will be burned. Letters of recommendation are also accepted but only from close friends who know you well (male or female). Your mom's opinion does not count. Also if you're friendly with an ex-girlfriend, I'd appreciate a letter from her as well.
Inspired by the photo below - I give credit where credit is due.
Saturday, February 22, 2014
WHY I'M NEVER ONLINE DATING EVER AGAIN
I'm sorry. I just can't do it anymore. Not even for your comic relief. The last date I had from an online site was Guinea Pig Guy, and that was over a year ago. Great story, horrific night.
A few months ago I gave it one last hurrah by joining Chemistry.com. They were running a special or something, and I was feeling painfully single (which is the same feeling as "waking up" or "walking down the street" to me). I would scroll through the guys, rejecting 90% on looks alone - then I'd have to read the profile of the cute ones to see that they were single because they couldn't spell or were so boring I couldn't finish their details.
Then something made me download the OkCupid and Tinder apps. This was an even worse idea. I already had an account on OKC that I never checked, so my inbox was backed up to hell and back. I didn't even have to open some of the messages to know I didn't want anything to do with "George, 53 in Phoenix". Really? You not only think a 31-year-old female would be interested in a 50-something guy at all, but that I would want to date you long distance? You're single because you're fucking stupid.
And then, one day, I got this:
*verbatim*
BigFishBigSea, 29 Encino, CA
NO PICTURE
"OkCupid seems to think we are a good match. I'd love a chance to talk to you and see if they are right or not.
I realize my profile is lacking a picture. I'm happy to provide one should you like to see me (which I'm sure you would).
Have you ever been in a relationship with a strong Dominance &submission aspect to it?"
WHAT?
There are so many things wrong with this I can't even begin.
First, NO PICTURE. You know what that means? UGLY OR FAT. I guarantee it. You and I both know that the only reason that you wouldn't want someone to see you before engaging in conversation is because you are less than pleasant to look at. Think about it. How many of you attractive readers out there have, at least in some minor way, used your looks to get something? If you're attractive, you know it, and no attractive person WOULDN'T use a picture of themselves being attractive to lure people in to what we will all eventually find out is a den of crazy.
And you realize your profile is lacking a picture? So this means you're not just in a hurry, you meant to do this? Strategic, because you're ugly. "I'd be happy to provide one should you like to see me (which I'm sure you would)" OH YOU'RE SURE ARE YOU? Actually, the fact that you haven't shown me a picture in the first place makes me not even dare to think about what kind of horrible troll you actually must look like, and I most certainly don't want to see something so hideous that I can't unsee it. You have a lot of confidence for a guy who doesn't have enough confidence to PUT UP A FUCKING PICTURE.
Also your name...BigFishBigSea? With no picture all I see is "fatty fatty fat fat" with your multiple uses of "big". Not helping.
Now let's get to everyone's favorite part. "Have you ever been in a relationship with a strong Dominance & submission aspect to it?"
a) Why the HELL would you ask this in a first email to someone, or in a message at all? Why wouldn't you bring that up later on, say after we'd been dating a little bit? The rest of your message, minus the fact that you have no photo, is relatively tame and semi-normal. Then you throw this at me and I'm TOTALLY BLINDSIDED.
b) The fact that you capitalized "dominance" and used an ampersand instead of just "and" in a sentence completely voids any points you got earlier in the letter for proper grammar.
c) Have I ever been in a RELATIONSHIP with dominance and submission? No, no I have not. In my RELATIONSHIPS my partner and I are equals. I'm not sure if you meant it as simply dominance and submission in the sexual realm (which is what you SHOULD mean) or if you actually want an entire relationship where one of us is the other's slave. If you want a relationship with that aspect I highly suggest you go see a shrink because that screams loudly of weird childhood issues.
If you meant dominance and submission during sex, why the hell are you asking me that the first time you talk to me? Seriously. Your first couple of sentences seem to think you'd like to get to know me, and then that last one screams WAIT NO I JUST WANT TO WEAR A DIAPER WHILE YOU WHIP ME. Do you just want someone to come over to your house wearing a dominatrix outfit? If so, just come out and say it, don't pretend you want to have long talks over coffee and hold hands in the park.
I am not horrified by the concept of domination and submission or many other things that would make a Mormon cry (as long as they don't involve feet, animals or either one of our buttholes). I'm horrified by the way you brought it up as casually as asking me what types of pastries I prefer. This is obviously why you're on the internet dating. Your social skills are so painfully underdeveloped that you can't even properly introduce yourself to a stranger ONLINE when you have unlimited amounts of time to craft a perfectly-worded message to woo me - I can't even imagine what you say to people in person when you meet. Likely you don't go out much for that very reason.
Everyone wanted to know if I wrote this guy back, but honestly I was so shocked that I couldn't even form a funny response. Not even hours later. I was just continuously horrified - enough to take a screenshot of the message and send it to my friend so we could all share in the wide range of emotions this brought with it.
So I'm done. I deleted all my apps, I no longer check my free site profiles for messages, it's just not worth my time. The type of person I want to date wouldn't ever have to be online, because I want someone confident and in control of the situation. I want the type of person who would come up to me in a bar because they have the balls to talk to strangers. I want someone who has enough confidence that when I'm a giant jackass and start spouting random shit that they come right back with a retort that's not only witty but one-ups me. Those kind of people don't have to be online.
Worry not, my friends. Once I get myself out and about and actually meet humans in person, I'm sure I'll still have some weird ass stories to tell - I don't expect my first date to be the person I'm going to marry (but dear god would that be a relief). So it's over. I broke up with you, internet dating. I'm not going to come running back. It's never been right, and it never will be right. Goodbye forever.
A few months ago I gave it one last hurrah by joining Chemistry.com. They were running a special or something, and I was feeling painfully single (which is the same feeling as "waking up" or "walking down the street" to me). I would scroll through the guys, rejecting 90% on looks alone - then I'd have to read the profile of the cute ones to see that they were single because they couldn't spell or were so boring I couldn't finish their details.
Then something made me download the OkCupid and Tinder apps. This was an even worse idea. I already had an account on OKC that I never checked, so my inbox was backed up to hell and back. I didn't even have to open some of the messages to know I didn't want anything to do with "George, 53 in Phoenix". Really? You not only think a 31-year-old female would be interested in a 50-something guy at all, but that I would want to date you long distance? You're single because you're fucking stupid.
And then, one day, I got this:
*verbatim*
BigFishBigSea, 29 Encino, CA
NO PICTURE
"OkCupid seems to think we are a good match. I'd love a chance to talk to you and see if they are right or not.
I realize my profile is lacking a picture. I'm happy to provide one should you like to see me (which I'm sure you would).
Have you ever been in a relationship with a strong Dominance &submission aspect to it?"
WHAT?
There are so many things wrong with this I can't even begin.
First, NO PICTURE. You know what that means? UGLY OR FAT. I guarantee it. You and I both know that the only reason that you wouldn't want someone to see you before engaging in conversation is because you are less than pleasant to look at. Think about it. How many of you attractive readers out there have, at least in some minor way, used your looks to get something? If you're attractive, you know it, and no attractive person WOULDN'T use a picture of themselves being attractive to lure people in to what we will all eventually find out is a den of crazy.
And you realize your profile is lacking a picture? So this means you're not just in a hurry, you meant to do this? Strategic, because you're ugly. "I'd be happy to provide one should you like to see me (which I'm sure you would)" OH YOU'RE SURE ARE YOU? Actually, the fact that you haven't shown me a picture in the first place makes me not even dare to think about what kind of horrible troll you actually must look like, and I most certainly don't want to see something so hideous that I can't unsee it. You have a lot of confidence for a guy who doesn't have enough confidence to PUT UP A FUCKING PICTURE.
Also your name...BigFishBigSea? With no picture all I see is "fatty fatty fat fat" with your multiple uses of "big". Not helping.
Now let's get to everyone's favorite part. "Have you ever been in a relationship with a strong Dominance & submission aspect to it?"
a) Why the HELL would you ask this in a first email to someone, or in a message at all? Why wouldn't you bring that up later on, say after we'd been dating a little bit? The rest of your message, minus the fact that you have no photo, is relatively tame and semi-normal. Then you throw this at me and I'm TOTALLY BLINDSIDED.
b) The fact that you capitalized "dominance" and used an ampersand instead of just "and" in a sentence completely voids any points you got earlier in the letter for proper grammar.
c) Have I ever been in a RELATIONSHIP with dominance and submission? No, no I have not. In my RELATIONSHIPS my partner and I are equals. I'm not sure if you meant it as simply dominance and submission in the sexual realm (which is what you SHOULD mean) or if you actually want an entire relationship where one of us is the other's slave. If you want a relationship with that aspect I highly suggest you go see a shrink because that screams loudly of weird childhood issues.
If you meant dominance and submission during sex, why the hell are you asking me that the first time you talk to me? Seriously. Your first couple of sentences seem to think you'd like to get to know me, and then that last one screams WAIT NO I JUST WANT TO WEAR A DIAPER WHILE YOU WHIP ME. Do you just want someone to come over to your house wearing a dominatrix outfit? If so, just come out and say it, don't pretend you want to have long talks over coffee and hold hands in the park.
I am not horrified by the concept of domination and submission or many other things that would make a Mormon cry (as long as they don't involve feet, animals or either one of our buttholes). I'm horrified by the way you brought it up as casually as asking me what types of pastries I prefer. This is obviously why you're on the internet dating. Your social skills are so painfully underdeveloped that you can't even properly introduce yourself to a stranger ONLINE when you have unlimited amounts of time to craft a perfectly-worded message to woo me - I can't even imagine what you say to people in person when you meet. Likely you don't go out much for that very reason.
Everyone wanted to know if I wrote this guy back, but honestly I was so shocked that I couldn't even form a funny response. Not even hours later. I was just continuously horrified - enough to take a screenshot of the message and send it to my friend so we could all share in the wide range of emotions this brought with it.
So I'm done. I deleted all my apps, I no longer check my free site profiles for messages, it's just not worth my time. The type of person I want to date wouldn't ever have to be online, because I want someone confident and in control of the situation. I want the type of person who would come up to me in a bar because they have the balls to talk to strangers. I want someone who has enough confidence that when I'm a giant jackass and start spouting random shit that they come right back with a retort that's not only witty but one-ups me. Those kind of people don't have to be online.
Worry not, my friends. Once I get myself out and about and actually meet humans in person, I'm sure I'll still have some weird ass stories to tell - I don't expect my first date to be the person I'm going to marry (but dear god would that be a relief). So it's over. I broke up with you, internet dating. I'm not going to come running back. It's never been right, and it never will be right. Goodbye forever.
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
HAPPILY EVER AFTER
I've been to many weddings. I've been IN many weddings. However, I've only been close to the planning on a select few, and currently I'm learning all about it again since one of my best friends is getting married next year.
Only recently has it come to my attention that weddings are RIDICULOUSLY STUPIDLY EXPENSIVE. I'm not even talking about the ones where you rent out Disneyland or have E! film it from a helicopter - I'm talking about normal, not overly fancy regular people weddings.
In my naïve little single-person mind, I think "Oh, I'm just going to get married on the beach and then we'll go to some place close and eat some shit off a buffet, drink cheap booze and dance to old school hip hop." Apparently there's a little more to it than that.
Not obvious thing #1: Renting random things. My friend is having an outdoor wedding (which should really mean "yay free we all own the earth!" but somehow does not) at a place that doesn't provide anything but the ground you stand on. She not only has to rent tables and chairs, but also DISHES AND SILVERWARE.
Well, sorry people, it's looking more and more like my wedding will BYOB - bring your own blanket, since we'll be sitting on the ground like a picnic to avoid paying an obscene amount of money for tables. And renting dinnerware? Like hell I am. They make some nicely patterned paper plates, thank you. We'll pick up a few packages of those and then drive through KFC to hoard copious amounts of sporks because, well, we can't afford multiple utensils here, people.
Another bombshell dropped about the rental game - she has to rent TOILETS because, well, nature doesn't have plumbing. First of all, NO. Just no. We're not in fucking China here, people, it is assumed that there are American-friendly restrooms at any possible place a group might gather for events, like perhaps a WEDDING... meaning no porto-potties and most CERTAINLY no squat toilets. But that's another expense that might have to take a backseat, so get ready to shit in the woods.
Semi-obvious thing #2: Flowers. First off, let me begin by saying that spending money on flowers is fucking stupid. I have never been to a wedding where I so much as noticed the flowers, let alone have them make any lasting effect on me (positive or negative). Why would you pay someone thousands of dollars to put something perishable that you cannot eat or drink into 7-foot-tall centerpieces that you wish weren't there because you can't see across the table? Maybe this is the part of me that's not girly, but seriously, flowers are worthless. I've had guys get me flowers before, rarely, but it's the gesture and not the actual gift. I appreciate the gesture, I just would prefer it to be something I can use, eat, or keep forever.
Case in point - when I was sick and alone shortly after I started my first job, my grandma sent me a potted plant. This was in 2008. Guess what? That same potted plant is sitting on a table in my living room because POTTED PLANTS LAST. This one is upwards of 6 years now. Do I have any of the flowers ex-boyfriends got me? Nope, they all wilted within 5 days and had to be tossed.
So assuming I get a windfall before I find my husband and actually spring for the tables and chairs (big spenda), you'll be enjoying something akin to a $10 bamboo plant from Chinatown as your centerpiece, and you can even take it home with you and keep it alive!
Other expenses #3: Music, other decorative items to help people forget you may or may not be in a Red Lobster, lights (since sometimes, at night, the sun stops providing free light). Obviously on my budget I'll likely borrow someone's fancy stereo equipment and plug in my ipod or likely just turn the damn thing to KDAY and not worry about that random Paula Abdul song that might show up in a shuffle if I don't keep an eye on things. Now the lights and the decorations thing might be able to go hand in hand... if I don't have good lighting, no one can see whether or not I actually decorated at all. New plan - have ceremony at sunset, hand out glow sticks, necklaces, bracelets - anything to help you identify that you are a person and not a tree. And don't hate on the glow necklace idea, I have actually been to a wedding that incorporated those into the ceremony (and was even more awesome for its to-scale exact replica R2D2 cake).
Speaking of cake... a giant awesome pretty wedding cake? Thousands of dollars. What? But you EAT it. You can't keep it in your home like a statue you commissioned. Cupcakes, on the other hand, don't require extra plates (see above) and are already in a serving size that doesn't require cutting. Just open the floodgates and let people at them. And don't expect Sprinkles, Ralph's day-old bakery leftovers in random, unrelated colors will be what you're eating. But you can't see them, so it doesn't matter! Another problem solved by not spending money on lighting.
Well, now that I've successfully turned 90% of people off of coming to my wedding, I can actually have a nice one for the 5 of you who show up! It'll still have glowsticks though.
Only recently has it come to my attention that weddings are RIDICULOUSLY STUPIDLY EXPENSIVE. I'm not even talking about the ones where you rent out Disneyland or have E! film it from a helicopter - I'm talking about normal, not overly fancy regular people weddings.
In my naïve little single-person mind, I think "Oh, I'm just going to get married on the beach and then we'll go to some place close and eat some shit off a buffet, drink cheap booze and dance to old school hip hop." Apparently there's a little more to it than that.
Not obvious thing #1: Renting random things. My friend is having an outdoor wedding (which should really mean "yay free we all own the earth!" but somehow does not) at a place that doesn't provide anything but the ground you stand on. She not only has to rent tables and chairs, but also DISHES AND SILVERWARE.
Well, sorry people, it's looking more and more like my wedding will BYOB - bring your own blanket, since we'll be sitting on the ground like a picnic to avoid paying an obscene amount of money for tables. And renting dinnerware? Like hell I am. They make some nicely patterned paper plates, thank you. We'll pick up a few packages of those and then drive through KFC to hoard copious amounts of sporks because, well, we can't afford multiple utensils here, people.
Another bombshell dropped about the rental game - she has to rent TOILETS because, well, nature doesn't have plumbing. First of all, NO. Just no. We're not in fucking China here, people, it is assumed that there are American-friendly restrooms at any possible place a group might gather for events, like perhaps a WEDDING... meaning no porto-potties and most CERTAINLY no squat toilets. But that's another expense that might have to take a backseat, so get ready to shit in the woods.
Semi-obvious thing #2: Flowers. First off, let me begin by saying that spending money on flowers is fucking stupid. I have never been to a wedding where I so much as noticed the flowers, let alone have them make any lasting effect on me (positive or negative). Why would you pay someone thousands of dollars to put something perishable that you cannot eat or drink into 7-foot-tall centerpieces that you wish weren't there because you can't see across the table? Maybe this is the part of me that's not girly, but seriously, flowers are worthless. I've had guys get me flowers before, rarely, but it's the gesture and not the actual gift. I appreciate the gesture, I just would prefer it to be something I can use, eat, or keep forever.
Case in point - when I was sick and alone shortly after I started my first job, my grandma sent me a potted plant. This was in 2008. Guess what? That same potted plant is sitting on a table in my living room because POTTED PLANTS LAST. This one is upwards of 6 years now. Do I have any of the flowers ex-boyfriends got me? Nope, they all wilted within 5 days and had to be tossed.
So assuming I get a windfall before I find my husband and actually spring for the tables and chairs (big spenda), you'll be enjoying something akin to a $10 bamboo plant from Chinatown as your centerpiece, and you can even take it home with you and keep it alive!
Other expenses #3: Music, other decorative items to help people forget you may or may not be in a Red Lobster, lights (since sometimes, at night, the sun stops providing free light). Obviously on my budget I'll likely borrow someone's fancy stereo equipment and plug in my ipod or likely just turn the damn thing to KDAY and not worry about that random Paula Abdul song that might show up in a shuffle if I don't keep an eye on things. Now the lights and the decorations thing might be able to go hand in hand... if I don't have good lighting, no one can see whether or not I actually decorated at all. New plan - have ceremony at sunset, hand out glow sticks, necklaces, bracelets - anything to help you identify that you are a person and not a tree. And don't hate on the glow necklace idea, I have actually been to a wedding that incorporated those into the ceremony (and was even more awesome for its to-scale exact replica R2D2 cake).
Speaking of cake... a giant awesome pretty wedding cake? Thousands of dollars. What? But you EAT it. You can't keep it in your home like a statue you commissioned. Cupcakes, on the other hand, don't require extra plates (see above) and are already in a serving size that doesn't require cutting. Just open the floodgates and let people at them. And don't expect Sprinkles, Ralph's day-old bakery leftovers in random, unrelated colors will be what you're eating. But you can't see them, so it doesn't matter! Another problem solved by not spending money on lighting.
Well, now that I've successfully turned 90% of people off of coming to my wedding, I can actually have a nice one for the 5 of you who show up! It'll still have glowsticks though.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
FASHIONISTA ON THE LOOSE
Ok, I don't write a fashion blog. I don't even follow fashion blogs. I probably should begin following some since every time I buy a new item of clothing I text my friends in a frenzy asking them how to "accessorize" and what color shoes I should wear. That and my most recent purchases were a Snoop Dogg sweatshirt and a polka dot headband. So how am I, the girl who wears teal moccasins daily and owns over 100 non-fitted t-shirts, qualified to give fashion advice? Just trust me on this one.
Let's have a chat about crop tops. Those were a thing in the 80s, when people wore high-waisted jeans and high-top Reeboks. They were even a thing in kids' clothes in the 80s, but I wasn't about to be putting any of that shit on my body. Luckily it died out quickly and I didn't have to deal with them again until the late 90s for entirely different reasons.
I'm just going to put it out there - even if you have the most amazing abs on the planet and aren't showing more than a few inches of skin, crop tops make you look like a whore. Yes, I said it. This is not a "skinny vs. fat" trend - I have not yet seen a fat chick in a crop top, most likely because they are not that fucking stupid. Now I will freely admit that I wear low cut tops, tight clothing, short dresses, bikinis and anything that gives my cleavage the showtime it deserves. However, certain things are only appropriate for certain occasions - most things I have worn/would wear in Las Vegas are pretty much inappropriate anywhere else. Swimsuits are only acceptable at a beach or pool, with a slim exception for other outdoor places where one might lay out to tan.
Here are the places where crop tops are appropriate:
1. Any outdoor party where it's warm and there is likely a pool or beach in the vicinity, thus negating the need to be fully clothed (see swimsuits, above).
2. During vigorous exercise if and only if you are wicked ripped.
3. Halloween
4. If you are a dancer or cheerleader, and then only when in practice and while performing.
5. Rap videos
6. If you are famous for being an entertainer, more specifically Beyoncé, Rihanna or Britney.
7. In a trailer park because, well you can wear anything in a trailer park. Literally anything.
Take note of what is not on the list. I did not include places like "school" or "the mall". No grocery store, restaurants (seriously, why would you want to wear something that shows your stomach while you're EATING?), bars, salons, libraries, government buildings or just walking down the street* (*unless you qualify for the prostitute exception). Do not let the amount of crop tops at places like Forever21 and H&M confuse you - this is NOT everyday wear. Would you wear your slutty schoolgirl costume to the mall? No? THIS IS THE SAME THING, even if you're pairing it with something that doesn't show your ass.
Have I worn crop tops? Yes, yes I have. When, you ask? When they were a REQUIRED COSTUME in high school for my dance team. I wore many, and even when I did, the director would usually pick ones that showed only 2-3 inches of stomach and never a bellybutton. I've also worn them on Halloween. There's a reason your costume is called "slutty Rainbow Brite" or "sexy police officer": it's because non-slutty people don't go around in public wearing crop tops!! And what did I do if on either of these occasions I had to go into public before heading to my performance or party? I'd toss a tshirt over that shit. I'm not walking into Subway looking like a 2-bit whore, even though it would be very obvious to nearly every human that my outfit was dance-related.
So for the love of god, stop buying crop tops. Stop wearing them in public. I guarantee you I'm not the only one looking at you and thinking you're trashy. If you REALLY must own one, save it for summer. Wear it to a pool party. Wear it to the beach. Wear it around your house if you have to, but don't throw your image into accidental slutdom because you thought something was fashionable.
**This public service announcement was partially funded by the makers of full-length shirts.
Let's have a chat about crop tops. Those were a thing in the 80s, when people wore high-waisted jeans and high-top Reeboks. They were even a thing in kids' clothes in the 80s, but I wasn't about to be putting any of that shit on my body. Luckily it died out quickly and I didn't have to deal with them again until the late 90s for entirely different reasons.
I'm just going to put it out there - even if you have the most amazing abs on the planet and aren't showing more than a few inches of skin, crop tops make you look like a whore. Yes, I said it. This is not a "skinny vs. fat" trend - I have not yet seen a fat chick in a crop top, most likely because they are not that fucking stupid. Now I will freely admit that I wear low cut tops, tight clothing, short dresses, bikinis and anything that gives my cleavage the showtime it deserves. However, certain things are only appropriate for certain occasions - most things I have worn/would wear in Las Vegas are pretty much inappropriate anywhere else. Swimsuits are only acceptable at a beach or pool, with a slim exception for other outdoor places where one might lay out to tan.
Here are the places where crop tops are appropriate:
1. Any outdoor party where it's warm and there is likely a pool or beach in the vicinity, thus negating the need to be fully clothed (see swimsuits, above).
2. During vigorous exercise if and only if you are wicked ripped.
3. Halloween
4. If you are a dancer or cheerleader, and then only when in practice and while performing.
5. Rap videos
6. If you are famous for being an entertainer, more specifically Beyoncé, Rihanna or Britney.
7. In a trailer park because, well you can wear anything in a trailer park. Literally anything.
Take note of what is not on the list. I did not include places like "school" or "the mall". No grocery store, restaurants (seriously, why would you want to wear something that shows your stomach while you're EATING?), bars, salons, libraries, government buildings or just walking down the street* (*unless you qualify for the prostitute exception). Do not let the amount of crop tops at places like Forever21 and H&M confuse you - this is NOT everyday wear. Would you wear your slutty schoolgirl costume to the mall? No? THIS IS THE SAME THING, even if you're pairing it with something that doesn't show your ass.
Have I worn crop tops? Yes, yes I have. When, you ask? When they were a REQUIRED COSTUME in high school for my dance team. I wore many, and even when I did, the director would usually pick ones that showed only 2-3 inches of stomach and never a bellybutton. I've also worn them on Halloween. There's a reason your costume is called "slutty Rainbow Brite" or "sexy police officer": it's because non-slutty people don't go around in public wearing crop tops!! And what did I do if on either of these occasions I had to go into public before heading to my performance or party? I'd toss a tshirt over that shit. I'm not walking into Subway looking like a 2-bit whore, even though it would be very obvious to nearly every human that my outfit was dance-related.
So for the love of god, stop buying crop tops. Stop wearing them in public. I guarantee you I'm not the only one looking at you and thinking you're trashy. If you REALLY must own one, save it for summer. Wear it to a pool party. Wear it to the beach. Wear it around your house if you have to, but don't throw your image into accidental slutdom because you thought something was fashionable.
**This public service announcement was partially funded by the makers of full-length shirts.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)