ADVENTURES WITHOUT ARTIFICIAL HORMONES, PART ONE

I get crazy ideas when I read books, and I read a lot of books, so I'm probably filled with crazy ideas. Most recently, reading a book on the brain and how the unconscious and conscious mind work together, I learned that there is a significant difference when it comes to men being interested in women who are ovulating versus women on the pill. Seeing as I'm painfully single and am unlikely to participate in baby-making activities, I figured I'd give the whole "go off birth control and see what happens" thing a try.

I've been on birth control for 11 years. Coincidentally, I went on it at the same time I went on my crazy pills, which in some form or another I have also been on for 11 years. I have no concept of what my body would be like without all these foreign chemicals, and since I've tried to get off my crazy pills at other times and turned into a raging lunatic, I decided to start small and do the BC first.

Day 1: Nothing to see here, move along.

Day 4: Have period, don't vomit like I used to in high school. For that reason only, this day considered a win.

Day 7: Still feeling somewhat normal, noticing I'm losing weight in the stomach area and I have been slacking on exercise. Boobs have remained the same size. Another win.

Day 9: Craziness begins. Cry because I don't have a job. Cry at my parents because I feel bad asking for help. Cry at my parents because I feel bad making them worry. Cry at my roommate because I was already crying when she came home. Cry when the pharmacist gives me some pills for free because I have $12 to my name and can't afford the whole refill. Probably cry myself to sleep.

Day 10: Cried more. Napped a lot so things wouldn't make me cry. Made it to the gym, worked out for 30 minutes without crying. Small win. Watch Biggest Loser finale. Want to cry but successfully hold it in until I hear Christmas music on the radio driving home.

Day 11: Go to mailbox, find card from Grandma with check in it. Cry because I can finally not eat Starbucks. Cry because I love my grandma. Go deposit check, return home to FedEx envelope containing my $200 Amex gift card my parents sent so I could eat. Cry opening that, cry at my parents being so great, cry because I won't see them for Christmas. Successfully hang out all evening with humans and don't cry.

Day 12: Cry at home, decide to nap around noon. Wake up at 4:30. Count this as a win because I spent 4 hours not crying. Eat first meal of the day at Subway at 4:30. Come home and cry more. Cry at roommate again. Go to friend's house and she feeds me Indian food and lots of wine. Don't cry for the rest of the night. May have found solution in what I eat and drink.

Day 13: It's 3:10pm. Haven't cried yet. This is a big accomplishment. While walking around the lake giving myself props for not crying, I have a terrifying realization: Holy shit, I think I want babies. Ok, not a LOT. And not NOW. Walk home petrified as to what this realization means. Think of the quote from Family Guy that women only "cry and have babies." Want to cry realizing that this might just be true.

Eagerly awaiting the end of the craziness. I never turned into a crazy crying PMS-type when I wasn't on the pill, I never had symptoms of anything other than the one day of morning sickness each month which kept me out of my early classes. Does anyone want to tell me when this will end? I'm dehydrating myself through my tearducts. This can't be healthy.