YOU'RE SINGLE BECAUSE YOU HIDE THE CRAZY

WELCOME BACK, READERS. My apologies for having taken so long to find another thing to blog about, but as they say, "good" things come to those who wait.

Back in September I had virtually given up on my online dating profile, but since it was free, I didn't bother to take it down. People would still message me, I'd check it out, see they were ugly, and delete it. Simple and not bothersome. One day, however, I got a very short message from a cute guy with a hilarious profile - "I think we could be best friends. No shit." I wrote back, and eventually it turned into a texting/phone conversation in the next few days. As much as I hate the phone, we hit it off immediately - no awkward pauses and we talked for 2 hours. Fast forward, and we go on a date. Then we go on another one.

Things progress well. He always responds to texts, invites me to do things, introduces me to his friends, asks to be introduced to mine, all that great stuff. Suddenly, one day he starts acting weird. While he still calls and wants to hang out, he won't kiss me. Things are different. Rightfully, I'm confused and worried. I feel that this warrants an explanation, and force him to give me one. He proceeds to tell me that not only do I have bad breath, I have it after I brush my teeth, after chewing gum, and gives me a run down of all the times he's noticed. Then he tells me he can't really be in a dating type relationship with someone he can't kiss, but he really likes me so we should be friends. I cry, but honestly, who wouldn't cry when a guy they like tells them they have bad breath? That's fucking embarrassing and horrifying.

I, in my idiocy, don't see this as a red flag. A) no guy has ever mentioned my breath before, excluding "morning breath," and b) I assumed this was a simple case of me going to the dentist and figuring out what was wrong. I hadn't been in 5 years. I specifically asked him "If I get this fixed, will you date me again?" He said "YES DEFINITELY." I don't put words in people's mouths, and I don't go around throwing money away, so I didn't make that up. I make an appointment with the dentist and find out that I need a "deep" cleansing that requires anesthetic, and while I thought I had dental insurance, I find out AFTER the procedure that it isn't valid because it was from my temp job which was on hiatus. So I end up spending approximately $1300 on dental procedures (which, while it IS crazy, I did in fact desperately need them because I hadn't been to a dentist in years).

 Excitedly I call him up and say I went to the dentist and got a deep clean, and I should be good to go. We hang out that night, and guess what? He says it's STILL THERE. I'm fresh out of cash and have the cleanest teeth outside of dentures in a glass, so I'm perturbed. While he hasn't acknowledged that we're dating again, he begins to act like it, so I just go with it.

The fact that I don't know what's going on is making me absolutely insane, yet I try to calm the crazy and not let it out around him. I do a decent job, with a few rounds of tears (like 2, seriously.) because I am so fucking confused. ALL HIS FRIENDS think we're dating. He doesn't do anything to dispel that thought from my mind or theirs.

 Overall, I find out some more red flags - he's madly in love with a girl from high school (he's 30) that he hasn't seen in years and never dated. He hates his dad because he was "never good enough" as a kid (self-esteem! yay!). He doesn't talk to his mom very often because she disapproves of him dumping his last girlfriend. His last girlfriend was a bipolar model. He can't handle that I'm on antidepressants because he doesn't understand the VAST difference between clinical depression and BI FUCKING POLAR. Me crying? Depression. Britney Spears shaving her head and going crazy on paparazzi? BIPOLAR. BIG DIFFERENCE. He wants "lots of kids" and I don't want any. Specifically, he said he won't change any diapers or anything like that, he'll just "come on the scene" when they're toddlers and teach them how to behave. OH GREAT, I have a kid I don't want and you won't even fucking help me with it. Great dad...probably a lot like yours.

Despite knowing that this could never really work out for those many reasons, I had put in a decent amount of time on this and was emotionally attached. He was the one strongly pushing for us to remain friends because he thought I was "awesome and fun." Fine. I tried the whole just friends thing. It was hard and made me crazy. After New Years we didn't see each other for weeks.

I saw him perhaps twice before my birthday party, which he actually showed up to and brought a gift that was an inside joke between us. Seems caring, right? Apparently not. He texts me one last time a few weeks later to ask if I could do lunch, which I couldn't because I actually had a job at that time. He begins to post things on facebook like "why do all women let me down?" Who does that? Angsty GIRLS. I don't even do that, I just bitch to my friends about it. Maybe people are "letting you down" because you're being a dick to them, confusing them with your signals, or just generally being weird and depressive?

Finally I get a text from him last week that asks if he can come by and get the dvd set and book he loaned me. I said sure, I'd be around the next couple of days because I didn't have a job right now. To that he replied "Everyone knows you live off your parents." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If anything could be further from the truth, it's that. That's my trigger. That's my "DON'T TALK ABOUT MY MAMMA THAT WAY" thing. I flipped out and gave him the REAL truth, told him the only money I ever get is when I'm super super desperate and my grandma gives me a tiny bit from her pension leftover from my grandpa. His reply? "You accept that??!" SO now I'm living off my parents and taking ADVANTAGE of my poor, unknowing grandmother. WHAT. THE. FUCK.

I sent him a facebook message that said "your shit is outside my door in a Target bag. I'll be gone all day." He came by, picked it up, and within 2 days had defriended me on facebook. The PINNACLE of maturity.