PRETTY PRETTY PRINCESS

Everyone has certain ways of describing other people, and everyone has a personality trait that dominates to be the most likely candidate for description.  I have friends that I would describe a number of different ways, but overall they have similar personalities because that's obviously why we're all friends.

I've heard many descriptions of myself, from sarcastic to smart, funny to lazy.  I'd say all of those hit the mark to some degree, even the negative ones.  However, there's always one word that freaks me the hell out when someone uses it to describe me, because I honestly cannot see where it comes from: sweet.  I've had a very small number of people in the past few years, generally people I don't know very well, tell me that I'm sweet.  This isn't your grandmother telling me I'm sweet, this is a fellow student or coworker close to my own age.  I'm baffled.

The few times someone has called me sweet I've actually looked at them like they had just grown a sparkly unicorn horn right in front of my eyes.  I search my brain for anything that could possibly have led to this conclusion by this person.  I'm confident that all these people had a strong grip on the English language and were very aware of the connotation of the word sweet, versus nice or friendly.  "Sweet?" I usually repeat, in a way that's asking if they're sure that's the word they meant to use. 

"Yep, you're really sweet," they usually reply.  I likely haven't erased the look off my face when I honestly tell them "I don't really get that a lot..." to which they think I'm just being modest.  No.  I'm not.  I'm not a sweet person.  I may do sweet things, as may many other people whom you wouldn't describe as sweet.  Just because someone does a sweet thing for her grandma one day out of three years doesn't change her general personality description.

I'm a nice person.  I'll take nice.  I'm polite.  I'm a good friend.  Yes, even though I find your dog highly irritating I would run into traffic to save it because I care about YOU and want to keep you from suffering.  I could also take "friendly," but not in the way of being a social butterfly with strangers, just able to engage others in pleasant conversation.  I'm thoughtful, I will say that.  I frequently think of friends and family when I see something in a store, or I might send a funny card when someone isn't having a great month.  I'm the kind of girlfriend that, if I was somewhere and saw a tshirt my boyfriend would find hilarious, I'd just buy it for him for no occasion.

But sweet really conjures up an unpleasant image of pink sparkly ruffles and hugs and bubbles, things that are whimsical (another word I strongly dislike).  Sweet to me is a cupcake with pink icing and sprinkles that makes your stomach hurt.  Sweet is someone who tries too hard and waits on you hand and foot - and literally would tie your shoes if you asked.  Sweet is, honestly, likely someone I find highly annoying while still understanding that they're coming from a good place.  I don't want to hang out with sweet.  Sweet is boring.

I actually consider myself somewhat of a dick.  Why "dick" and not "bitch," you ask?  "Bitch," while being the general go-to word for a mean female, infers cattiness.  A bitch is a person who would start something, or cause a scene to get what they want.  Bitches are the girls in high school who think it's fun to make other people feel bad about themselves.  I've worked with bitches.  Even into their 30s, they still want to make people feel bad about themselves. 

I, however, simply have a very low tolerance for stupidity and annoyances, and frequently respond to such situations with a smartass retort or, my personal favorite, an eloquent but condescending comment.  I'm a dick because I find offensive things funny.  I enjoy 13-year-old boy toilet humor. 

Every time someone says a comment such as "I ate crab legs last night," no matter how innocuous, my brain desperately wants to respond "Your mom ate crab legs last night."  Every.  Single.  Time.  Yes, this happened in court, if you were wondering.  I never said it, obviously, but I had to hold back many "Your mom only had two beers" and "Your mom didn't know that weed was in your pocket" statements.  It was torturous sometimes.

If I think something's stupid, you'll know.  If I think you're stupid, you'll know - that is unless you really are stupid, in which case you probably won't know and it makes my douchebaggery even more relevant.  See, a bitch confronts a situation head-on - if she doesn't like someone, she'll go right up and tell them.  A dick will generally avoid being around you, and when they can't avoid it, any conversation they have with that person will be a veritable cornucopia of sarcasm and patronizing remarks.  And then when they're done, they'll be highly amused with themselves, telling their other dick friends about it and having a good laugh.  Often times the stupid person won't even be aware that anything humorous took place at all.  A bitch would make you very aware you were being mocked; a dick, however, enjoys covertly taking advantage of people.  To them, it's just as funny if the person doesn't notice and you keep a straight face until you walk out the door.  A bitch wants a reaction.

So for reference, someone who is a dick cannot also be sweet.  The two are incompatible.  I'm a dick.  I'm sometimes a nice dick, a funny dick, a smart dick, or a lazy dick.  I'm not a sweet dick.  Say the words "sweet dick."  Right now I'm laughing because I'm picturing you actually saying those words and realizing what you're saying.  And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what makes me a dick.