ELF ON A SHELF IS FUCKING STUPID

Let's not waste any time here.  This Elf on a Shelf thing?  Dumb shit, that's what it is.

I first ran across this "tradition" on Pinterest (the glorious time-waster I use to find pictures of homes I will never own and food I will never cook) sometime last year before the holiday season.  There was a picture of a stupid little skinny-ass elf with a creepy Peter Pan-esque childlike adult quality to his face and he was doing such things as, oh, sitting on a shelf.  I clicked the link to find out what the hell this was.

First of all, it said it was a "Christmas tradition."  Hmm, that's interesting, not a tradition I had with my family, but then again we're somewhat odd so I didn't doubt that other people may have grown up with such a dumb ass stunt in their home.  Then I thought more - how many people's homes had I ever been in at Christmas?  Had anyone ever come to school telling me what their elf had done the night before?  This was seeming fishy to me, so I looked it up on the scholarly internet publication known as Wikipedia. 

According to the entry, Elf on a Shelf was a book that was written in 2004.  2004!  And it was called "Elf on a Shelf: A Christmas Tradition."  Apparently the author COMPLETELY misunderstood the meaning of tradition, as you can't INVENT ONE and try to pawn it off on people as something great and awesome.  That's like me deciding one day that during the entire month of December I'm going to wear a ceremonial robe made out of Christmas tree skirts and call it a fucking tradition and shame everyone who does not then go home and make his or her own ceremonial robe BECAUSE IT'S TRADITION.  No.  And it's not like the tradition was "invented" in the 80s - it was invented WHEN I GRADUATED COLLEGE.  There's not even a hint of nostalgia there.  It's just a big, fat lie. 

So this made-up tradition with a very vintage-looking elf (ALL LIES I TELL YOU) has more to it than simply sitting on a shelf.  I'd have way less problem if it was a mere decoration.  But no, the elf, like Santa, becomes an extension of the parents and is always caught in "mischief" around the house.  The key is for the kid (or god forbid some really fucking annoying adult) to find the elf each day in his new position. 

And the purveyors of this false tradition aren't content to play hide-and-seek with said elf, he must be doing something silly, ranging from hanging halfway out of the cookie jar to squatting with a fake shit (YES, I'M SERIOUS HERE)

to sharing a jug of maple syrup (?) romantically with Barbie (when he is CLEARLY homosexual. I mean it's 2014, come on Elf, accept yourself, be proud!  Don't hide in the closet.  We've seen your face, buddy, you're hiding nothing). 

 (HIS ARM IS SO CREEPILY LONG.  Also Barbie would never go out with a guy dressed like that.)

Don't think this is a harmless "tradition" that takes a few minutes each night. Ohhh nooo, if your elf doesn't have handmade clothes you're not trying hard enough.  He needs to be fishing in the toilet (with blue coloring and goldfish crackers, I may add)

or elaborately popping out of a present a la Alien. 

If those don't seem time-consuming enough for you, let's add wastefulness - what about buying an entire bag of marshmallows and pouring them in the sink for 15 seconds of "OH HOW CUTE HE'S IN A BUBBLE BATH"? 

Seriously people, get ahold of yourselves.  No one at your work is going to care that you're falling asleep at your desk because you spent 3 hours making a realistic and believable elf scenario that your kid was fascinated with for approximately 3 seconds and then having to clean it all up and do it again the next night.  And I'm sorry, there are just entirely too many "ideas" on Pinterest that have to do with the toilet.  There's the aforementioned squatting to take a shit (WHAT IS THIS TEACHING YOUR KIDS?!), fishing in the toilet (um, SANITARY ISSUES?), another squatting  over the toilet with candy cane poos floating in the water, scooping "reindeer poop" - shall I go on?  Or shall I just put up the link to EVERY ELF ON A SHELF POOP IDEA ON THE FUCKING INTERNET??  Which would be here.

Yes, there is an entire Pinterest search DEVOTED TO POOPING ELVES.  There are also a ton of positions that require the elf to be "hanging on" to something, which always just looks like he's humping whatever object to which he clings (such as a gallon of milk, the Christmas tree, baby Jesus...)  Then there's a really questionable one scrubbing his ass with a toothbrush but I didn't click that link for fear of what else I might find.

So in summary, someone invented a "tradition" ten years ago that requires absurd amounts of time, creativity and unfortunately scatological preferences to entertain your kids with just ONE MORE THING to make the holidays more stressful. 

Just say no to Elf on a Shelf, or I will send someone to your house to say no for you.