PARENTAL ADVISORY: EXPLICIT LYRICS

Have you ever listened to songs you heard as a kid years later and realized that you had absolutely no idea what they were talking about because it was WILDLY INAPPROPRIATE?  There are cases of misheard lyrics (Starbucks lovers, anyone?), but I'm talking about hearing the lyrics correctly and thinking they have an entirely different (and more innocent) meaning.

Sometime in the early 90s whoever makes rules over music started putting labels on CDs that said "WARNING: Parental Advisory, Explicit Lyrics."  According to the CDs I had at the time, this pretty much meant the following:

"Do you say 'fuck' at any point in your album?"
"Nope."
"Alrighty then, you don't need a label, have a nice day."

Back in 1993 my favorite singer was Janet Jackson and my favorite album was her "janet." CD - you know the one where she's topless and an unseen guy is holding her boobs from behind?  Yeah maybe that should've been a tip-off at the time.  Anyway, it's a fucking fabulous album, still to this day.  It was back in the days of music videos and a couple of the songs had the best choreography in the history of music videos, so even if you didn't own it you're aware of some of the songs.

The popular ones were "That's the Way Love Goes" and "If" - which to me were just simple love songs to a good beat.  I thought such lines as "go deeper, baby, deeper" meant EMOTIONALLY deeper (I'm not kidding here, I was a REALLY naïve 11-year-old).  Seriously, go look up some of the lyrics.  I'll wait.

One particularly hilarious memory was brought up when I re-discovered the album sometime in law school and listened to it with adult ears.  "This Time" wasn't a single, but I liked it because it was very epic - with an opera singer (who I was convinced was Janet at the time) and what sounds like a full orchestra in parts.  But the best part was the lyrics:

"You runnin round with those nasty hos, how long did you think I would take this?"

Obviously the song is about her boyfriend cheating on her and her leaving him.  I caught on to the part that he was a shitty boyfriend, but not for the reason she claims.  I actually legitimately thought he was assaulting her with garden tools.  Hoes.  I'd never heard "hoe" in another connotation, and I was aware of abusive relationships, so I just thought he happened to be a little more creative in his abuse tactics.

11-year-old me was like "Yeah, you go Janet.  You leave that guy - no one should take being beaten with a hoe.  You're such a good role model."

25-year-old me was like "Well then. Probably best I didn't know what that meant."

As I listened to the whole album, there were probably two songs on the whole thing that were actually appropriate for all ages, and one was sad (fuck sad songs, man, fuck sadness).  The rest were pretty explicitly about sex, but without saying "this song is about sex" my young brain turned them into relationship metaphors.  It turns out that pretty much everything I heard on the radio or really anywhere before high school I had absolutely no idea if something was inappropriate unless I could hear the words "fuck" "shit" or "ass" (and ass has always been questionable).

So when Tupac, reasonably angry because he got shot, screamed "Fuck Biggie, fuck Mob D, fuck Bad Boy as a staff, record label, and as a motherfuckin crew, and if you wanna be down with Bad Boy, then fuck you too" I probably shouldn't have been as shocked as when I basically listened to Janet Jackson eloquently describe her sex life in 1993.

Ignorance is bliss...

A PRELUDE TO A BLOG

I know people have been rather disappointed in my lack of dating life, not so much for my own happiness but because they can't read about the disasters here online.  Well friends, I have a feeling that I'll have quite a good blog for you tomorrow night.

So I gave up internet dating, about seven times before I actually don't have any apps on my phone (ok, partially because I got a new phone and didn't put them on it, but that counts right?).  But being lonely and unemployed got to me, and I may or may not have searched "matchmakers in LA" because I heard a rumor that the females don't have to pay for anything.  Turns out I was right, and I filled out a questionnaire for one of the local agencies and waited to see if I was awesome enough to put in their dating database.

Being awesome, I made the cut, and was invited in for a personal interview so they could see what kind of personality I had (ridiculous) and what I wanted from a relationship (marriage without kids).  Only a few days afterward I got my first email with a potential date.  He wasn't particularly cute, but the thing that stuck out to me was that he "wanted to start a family" blah blah.  So I quickly responded that everything looked ok except he wanted kids, and I thought they had written down that I didn't want them.  I get a reply "Oh, sorry, I'll change that in your profile."  Ok... that's kind of a big thing to mishear but whatever. 

I get another email with a different dude who also wanted kids, and I responded the same way. I didn't hear from them for about a month, likely the holidays, but then they sent me one last week that looked acceptable but also said he wanted kids. Luckily the mistake was on their part, and they replied that he had said he was "open" and so I agreed to a date.  The matchmakers set up the date, make the reservation, etc, which is great.  They sent us both an email to say "here's your date info, show up, here's each other's numbers in case you get lost."

I get a text this morning, SUNDAY, at 9am.  Time is an immediate red flag.  This is a weekend.  I quickly check it with no intention of responding, regardless of who it was, and plan to go back to sleep.  The text I get is verbatim (name changed):

"Dear Miss Kim:

This is Dan. How are you? Just wanted to say hi and excited to meet you tomorrow.

Sincerely,
Dan"

Ok, obviously there are multiple things wrong with this.

A) It's a text message. Why is it formatted like a fucking email?? Obviously this dude is very not-text savvy, and since that's my main means of communication this will likely be a problem.

B) Jesus, you're so FORMAL.  What kind of person are you looking to date?  Definitely not ME.  It's already obvious that we'd never hit it off if we just met randomly, and I'm now wondering if I can email the matchmakers and have them call it off.

C) "Dear MISS KIM"?  Are you fucking kidding me?  I almost vomited on my cat.  Since we haven't met I'd say 99% likely this is not a joke.  It'd be a little weird as a joke, but then again my friend and I call each other "flan" and "muffin." But anyone who feels the actual necessity to write something like that is SO FAR from my personality is likely going to make me want to slowly pull out my eyelashes one by one on this date. 

What happens if this date is just miserable? How do I get out of it without the "Oh I just got an emergency call" totally obvious runaway trick?  I'm dreading tomorrow.  Ugh.

A FASHION CRIMINAL RATES GOLDEN GLOBE FASHIONS

 

This is who will be reviewing the fashions from the Golden Globes. Yes, that is a panda suit, and yes that is a public place. To give you further outlook on exactly how bad I am at fashion, today I wore a tshirt with Pusheen the cat, jeans and Toms. When I have a nice event, I actually have to text my friends a picture of what I'm wearing so they may accessorize me because I have NO IDEA how to do anything except match. So here's my opinion on what other people are doing wrong.

 

Lupita Nyongo. Ok, so we saw very clearly last year that you don't have any boobies, and I see what you're trying to do here.  Problem is, having a garden growing on your chest is awkward and just plain weird.  It's a lovely color, and has potential, but it's too, well, fluffy on top.

Amal Clooney - PLEASE STOP BEING PERFECT. Not only was she the smartest person there, she went all vintagey with white gloves and a very lovely dress. Black dresses are generally boring, but not on you. A+ and keep up the good work.

Amanda Peet.  A) is she even relevant anymore? Why was she there? B) Obviously she's not working much because she had to sew her curtains into a haphazard dress at the last moment. But she's only one of the many that have taken up the trend of "bedsheets/curtains" for this event so I'll let her pass since she has no career.

Amy Adams, you are glorious. You make pale look not terrible. And that dress is ridiculously flattering.  I'd wear it, perhaps in a different color, but I don't have red hair (which makes it perfect). I hope you got this at H&M so I can go pick one up later on.

I don't know who this bitch is, but she has very nice satin bedsheets that she had someone pin together in the back when she obviously woke up very late and had to rush to get to the GGs.

Claire Danes - first off, let me congratulate you on finally looking like a female and understanding how to wear makeup and do your hair so you aren't weird and mannish. I'm not entirely sure what's going on with this dress because EVERYTHING is going on with it. All over it. It's like a fucking circus threw up on you. Does it light up? Is there a reason your top looks like bullet holsters?

I forgot who this was but the dress is PERFECT. Form fitting, no stupid embellishments that don't fit, very simple and very flattering. Good job, whoever you are.

Emma Stone...can we talk about the ass bow? Because otherwise you look great. I'm not usually a pantsuit fan, but you pulled it off...until you decided to slap a black homecoming mum on your ass for no good reason.  WHYYYY? That was a TERRIBLE idea. Do not listen to your stylist. Cut that bow off, take a shit on it and mail it to whoever dressed you.

Yes! The girl from the Stephen Hawking movie! I forgot her name but whatever. I'm digging the vintage vibe of this dress, and also the color (times a million), but it looks like you could smuggle a family of refugees under your skirt.

Helen Mirren says "Yes, I do look better than all the younger ladies here, thanks for noticing."

I don't know who this chick is either, but it's like she was given some yards of fabric and scissors and told to make her own dress.  Then she like forgot it needed arm holes so finagled some of those at the last minute, before realizing that she ran out of shiny fabric from making her crazy cape and running to Michael's to pick up whatever the hell she could find to wrap around her bottom half.

Bedsheets. Wrapped with a tad more style than some of the others, but bedsheets nonetheless.

This dress looks like it's from 1994. That's really all I have to say about that.

 

YES SHINY THINGS MAKE ME HAPPY

Kiera Knightley in the Laura Ingalls Wilder collection, featuring bugs, fly fishing implements and a few misplaced doilies. I'm not entirely sure who made her wear this but they likely got a good laugh out of it. And is that a butterfly corsage? Dear lord, moving on.

Hi Lena Dunham, I know you're too hip for this kind of thing, but there are places that will tailor a large dress to fit you so you don't look like you're wearing a very expensive tent.  I'd say you should probably look into that next time, because you could fit your little sister in there with you.

The bride told her "Oh, you'll be able to wear it again!"  And she did.

Dear dear Melissa McCarthy. You are funny.  You do not, however, need to dress funny.  You can dress pretty and still be funny. Also your bow tie looks like you stole it off a gothic clown.

I wore this to prom in 1999. Just sayin.

I am unnaturally worried about your boobs here.  I feel they're in danger of flying out of your dress at any moment.  That doesn't look secure and I am concerned. Please attend to this problem immediately.

I have no idea who this is, but she stole a bunch of napkins from the 70s and made a dress.  At least it fits well.

Salma Hayek, THIS IS PERFECT IN ALL WAYS. So vintage, not TOO huge of a skirt, and belting and cleavage to show your shape.  This dress could've been a disaster on someone without curves or boobs.  Excellently done.

 Do you want to build a snowman, Tina?

Another "I'm older than you but I've got this fashion shit down. Take a seat, youngins."

Finally, this chick from Girls.  It would still be ugly if the top and bottom were the same color, but seriously, WHY ARE THEY DIFFERENT?  And the top doesn't even fit you well.  This is just bad. That color of pink screams for a tiara you're not wearing and that color of taupe screams trenchcoat. There's not a show called "Trenchcoats and Tiaras" for a reason.

BEING UNEMPLOYED IS LIKE STICKING A PENCIL IN YOUR EYE REPEATEDLY

If you've never been unemployed, you're lucky.  You also need to read this multiple times to understand what a shitty shitty feeling it is and how to treat your unemployed friends so they don't plot your murder in the middle of the night (because you know they've got a lot of time on their hands).

The most obvious reason is you're not making any money. Some people have this magical thing called "savings" because at one point they were making enough money so they had some "left over" at the end of the month.  Not sure what that's like, but it sounds nice.  But even if you have savings, it'll run out eventually. 

Being unemployed makes you feel worthless.  Literally, you ARE worthless - WORTHless since you have no actual monetary worth, nor are you providing any benefit to society.  So technically feeling that way isn't too far off from reality.  If you're unemployed due to layoffs or something that was out of your control, people pity you.  If, heaven forbid, you're unemployed due to your own actions - for example quitting a job that had a toxic work environment or going back to school to change careers and then can't find a new job once you're done - well then, you're not only lazy but make bad life choices.  So now you're poor AND a bad person, according to some.

You do nothing all day except look for and apply to jobs, only to have the internet eat your resume in whatever algorithm-type program determines which candidates are good enough for human eyes.  Apparently I don't know the buzzwords, because I have never once been contacted for a job I applied to through an online application.  If I just have to throw "puppy" and "sprinkles" in every other word, I'll do it, but someone needs to teach me the magic formula so that I can be rejected by a human instead of a computer program.

So you have all this time, why not meet some new people?  Oh that is the WORST idea.  At least you can sum up your current situation to your friends in one sentence - when meeting new people, including potential dates, it's almost inevitable that the question "What do you do?" will come up in conversation.  "What do you do?" and "Where are you from?" are the two worst questions you can ask me.

What do I do?  I do nothing. I literally sit around and do zero things. Or sometimes I try to make it easier by just saying that I'm an attorney.  Unfortunately I've realized that leads to "what kind of law do you practice?" and a whole bunch more explaining on my part.  If I'm honest and say I'm "in between jobs" then people ask what I'm looking for.  That's hard to explain too.  And in all honesty, talking about my job search makes me want to sit in a corner and cry, so I'd just prefer that not come up. Even bending the truth slightly has backfired, so I can't pull off a full-out lie like "Oh, I'm a pilot for Alaska Airlines."

The other worst question is "Where are you from?"  If I'm traveling outside LA, I have the easy solution of just telling people I'm from LA.  I think of it as my home and don't plan on leaving unless some hot Korean model whisks me off to Asia to be his trophy wife.  When I'm in LA, however, it's a different story.  NO ONE is from LA, so they know you likely aren't either.  Sometimes I try just saying I'm originally from Missouri, which works about half the time. Most people aren't interested in or aware of Missouri so that just gets a pass.  Then I end up meeting people from Missouri or thereabouts who want me to get into specifics, and then I just have to practically tell them my life story. 

It always turns into me explaining I lived in both Missouri and Texas but my parents are back in Missouri - then "Oh, where in Texas?" and when I say Austin I get an earful about how great they've heard it is blah blah blah.  THAT'S WHY I DIDN'T TELL YOU THAT IN THE FIRST PLACE.  I wanted to avoid this conversation.  No, I don't like live music, I never saw bands, I didn't do a lot of outdoorsy things because it's hot as balls 90% of the time, yes people are more liberal but that doesn't mean there isn't a gun-toting redneck in the same restaurant right then.  In LA I can be completely isolated from rednecks and nutty right-wingers - in Austin, there are fewer than the rest of Texas, but you can't promise or deliver on full isolation.  Then they start talking about places that are cool right now but only showed up five years ago, before I have to explain to them that literally the only place that's still there that I know and went to is Hula Hut (dear, sweet Hula Hut).  I haven't lived there in 11 years.  It's legitimately a completely different city and I likely don't have a clue what you're talking about if you visited last year.

So yeah, dating while unemployed is just impossible.  What other questions are there to ask someone brand new besides "Where are you from?" and "What do you do?"  Pretty much nothing.  What do I do in my free time? Well, since all my time is free, I do very little, especially because with all said free time I have no money to do things.  What are my hobbies?  Do I really want to say reading, knitting and blogging?  Probably not.  Do you have any pets?  Yes, I'm a cat lady, thanks for pointing that out. 

The vicious cycle - if you're single when you become unemployed, you have to remain single until you get employment, which sucks because unemployment makes you feel shitty and it'd be nice to have someone to make you feel better about it, but you can't find that person because you're unemployed and therefore lazy and uninteresting.  Ugh.