A FASHION CRIMINAL RATES GOLDEN GLOBE FASHIONS

 

This is who will be reviewing the fashions from the Golden Globes. Yes, that is a panda suit, and yes that is a public place. To give you further outlook on exactly how bad I am at fashion, today I wore a tshirt with Pusheen the cat, jeans and Toms. When I have a nice event, I actually have to text my friends a picture of what I'm wearing so they may accessorize me because I have NO IDEA how to do anything except match. So here's my opinion on what other people are doing wrong.

 

Lupita Nyongo. Ok, so we saw very clearly last year that you don't have any boobies, and I see what you're trying to do here.  Problem is, having a garden growing on your chest is awkward and just plain weird.  It's a lovely color, and has potential, but it's too, well, fluffy on top.

Amal Clooney - PLEASE STOP BEING PERFECT. Not only was she the smartest person there, she went all vintagey with white gloves and a very lovely dress. Black dresses are generally boring, but not on you. A+ and keep up the good work.

Amanda Peet.  A) is she even relevant anymore? Why was she there? B) Obviously she's not working much because she had to sew her curtains into a haphazard dress at the last moment. But she's only one of the many that have taken up the trend of "bedsheets/curtains" for this event so I'll let her pass since she has no career.

Amy Adams, you are glorious. You make pale look not terrible. And that dress is ridiculously flattering.  I'd wear it, perhaps in a different color, but I don't have red hair (which makes it perfect). I hope you got this at H&M so I can go pick one up later on.

I don't know who this bitch is, but she has very nice satin bedsheets that she had someone pin together in the back when she obviously woke up very late and had to rush to get to the GGs.

Claire Danes - first off, let me congratulate you on finally looking like a female and understanding how to wear makeup and do your hair so you aren't weird and mannish. I'm not entirely sure what's going on with this dress because EVERYTHING is going on with it. All over it. It's like a fucking circus threw up on you. Does it light up? Is there a reason your top looks like bullet holsters?

I forgot who this was but the dress is PERFECT. Form fitting, no stupid embellishments that don't fit, very simple and very flattering. Good job, whoever you are.

Emma Stone...can we talk about the ass bow? Because otherwise you look great. I'm not usually a pantsuit fan, but you pulled it off...until you decided to slap a black homecoming mum on your ass for no good reason.  WHYYYY? That was a TERRIBLE idea. Do not listen to your stylist. Cut that bow off, take a shit on it and mail it to whoever dressed you.

Yes! The girl from the Stephen Hawking movie! I forgot her name but whatever. I'm digging the vintage vibe of this dress, and also the color (times a million), but it looks like you could smuggle a family of refugees under your skirt.

Helen Mirren says "Yes, I do look better than all the younger ladies here, thanks for noticing."

I don't know who this chick is either, but it's like she was given some yards of fabric and scissors and told to make her own dress.  Then she like forgot it needed arm holes so finagled some of those at the last minute, before realizing that she ran out of shiny fabric from making her crazy cape and running to Michael's to pick up whatever the hell she could find to wrap around her bottom half.

Bedsheets. Wrapped with a tad more style than some of the others, but bedsheets nonetheless.

This dress looks like it's from 1994. That's really all I have to say about that.

 

YES SHINY THINGS MAKE ME HAPPY

Kiera Knightley in the Laura Ingalls Wilder collection, featuring bugs, fly fishing implements and a few misplaced doilies. I'm not entirely sure who made her wear this but they likely got a good laugh out of it. And is that a butterfly corsage? Dear lord, moving on.

Hi Lena Dunham, I know you're too hip for this kind of thing, but there are places that will tailor a large dress to fit you so you don't look like you're wearing a very expensive tent.  I'd say you should probably look into that next time, because you could fit your little sister in there with you.

The bride told her "Oh, you'll be able to wear it again!"  And she did.

Dear dear Melissa McCarthy. You are funny.  You do not, however, need to dress funny.  You can dress pretty and still be funny. Also your bow tie looks like you stole it off a gothic clown.

I wore this to prom in 1999. Just sayin.

I am unnaturally worried about your boobs here.  I feel they're in danger of flying out of your dress at any moment.  That doesn't look secure and I am concerned. Please attend to this problem immediately.

I have no idea who this is, but she stole a bunch of napkins from the 70s and made a dress.  At least it fits well.

Salma Hayek, THIS IS PERFECT IN ALL WAYS. So vintage, not TOO huge of a skirt, and belting and cleavage to show your shape.  This dress could've been a disaster on someone without curves or boobs.  Excellently done.

 Do you want to build a snowman, Tina?

Another "I'm older than you but I've got this fashion shit down. Take a seat, youngins."

Finally, this chick from Girls.  It would still be ugly if the top and bottom were the same color, but seriously, WHY ARE THEY DIFFERENT?  And the top doesn't even fit you well.  This is just bad. That color of pink screams for a tiara you're not wearing and that color of taupe screams trenchcoat. There's not a show called "Trenchcoats and Tiaras" for a reason.