THIS IDIOT RATES OSCAR FASHIONS

Yes, THIS IDIOT

In this wedding photobooth (the red carpet of the real world) picture, I'm sporting a thrifty plastic safari hat, unidentified magenta tutu-esque piece of fabric, and a completely clashing bright red dress and lipstick. I was 80% sober here, which means I had entirely too many mental and physical faculties for this to be acceptable.

Go back in time with me, if you will, to 1987. It's Halloween. Your parents don't want to spend a ton of money on a costume. They realize, brilliantly, that a giant black Hefty bag doubles as a California Raisin costume, which was a pretty hip thing to be that year. You cut leg holes and arm holes in your garbage bag, tie it at the neck, and voila, you're a California Raisin!

I assume this is the homage Kate Winslet is going for here.

 

Alright, Alicia Vikander. I have no idea who you are. I don't get to see too many movies since my friends with Oscar screeners have *AHEM* moved to Asia. Either way your dress is trying very hard. I like the light yellow, because bright yellow is harsh, and the sparklies are not bad. I'm just a little turned off by the fact that it looks like you went to the bathroom and tucked most of your dress into your panties without noticing that there's a slight breeze.

 

 

This chick had a really weird name that I have already forgotten in the time it took to find the photo of me wearing a similar (yet slightly more modest neckline) dress to prom in 1998. I was so ahead of my time.

Oh Amy. You are so funny. I'm not entirely sure where you found this costume, but suffice it to say you must be busy writing, acting and performing your duties as the official royal fortune teller at the imperial palace during the Qing Dynasty. 

 

Ok, Mr. Weeknd, let's have a little chat. Not about your tux,  you look fine. Well, except your hair. Whatever you did, please don't ever do it again. We need to have a chat about your name. First of all, you're ONE GUY. You can't have a "the" in your name if you're ONE GUY, unless you're THE president or THE Queen of England. That's just the way shit works. Even Beyoncé isn't THE BEYONCE, and we all know she's the baseline against whom all entertainers measure themselves. Sure, if you want to be all cutesy and spell "weekend" wrong, whatever. But to me, you're just "Weeknd." Always. Forever. No "the." Step down off that tall horse of yours and sit down on that small goat that is your career.

 

Aww, it was so nice of Pharrell's wife to bring Little Timmy to his first Oscars. I hope you packed some snacks in that tiny purse of yours because Timmy's already looking mischievous. And make sure he stays in his seat, kids do the darndest things!

 

Rooney Mara, you are pale. It's okay, I too am pale. But we've gotta work with what we're given. Of all the rainbow of colors in the world, you chose to wear the same color as both your skin and the background. LITERALLY ANY COLOR WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER. And I might even forgive the fact that the material looks like Lizzie Borden's bedspread if I could tell where it ended and your skin began. And don't get me started on gratuitous cut-outs. I kind of wish your dress was fur so that PETA could have livened it up a bit with some bright paint splashes.

 

Kerry Washington, you are beautiful and your skin is like flawless silk. You don't look bad in anything. You really even don't look bad in this, but that's not saying anything for the dress itself. I can't tell if it's a vague homage to Star Wars or Xena the Warrior Princess, but I'm confused and upset. Being Kerry Washington's stylist isn't an invitation to throw anything on her to see if she can make it not look ridiculous, that's just rude. Dress her like the goddess she is.

 

I call my latest modern art piece "Unicorn Vomit Frozen in Time Avec Les Fleurs"