STRANGE THINGS ARE AFOOT AT THE (CIRCLE K)OREA

Every culture has things that others don't understand, and Korea is no exception. Luckily I have found that squat toilets are relatively rare, unlike mainland China, so no bathroom-related disasters have happened...yet.

But don't worry, their bathrooms aren't devoid of all strangeness. Weird thing number 1: often times there is no toilet paper in the bathroom. However, there IS toilet paper somewhere nearby - perhaps on the wall outside the bathrooms (between the men's and women's), or behind the counter at the cafe. This requires you to have a relatively good idea exactly how much TP you're actually going to need BEFORE you use the bathroom. Certain situations this isn't a problem. Others, well, we've all had those times when we've needed more TP than originally anticipated - which is MUCH EASIER to deal with if you have it right there with you, instead of making that agonizing decision before you have all the facts.

At school there's another small problem. I actually mean literally small. On each floor, there's a girls' and a boys' restroom, usually each containing two stalls. The first day at school I had to use the restroom, and one of the stalls was occupied. I walked in to the open stall and was horrified when I saw that I would have to pee in a tiny, child-sized toilet that was barely a foot off the ground and half as wide as my ass. There was no sign of the other stall becoming available, so I sucked it up and sat down on a comically small toilet, hoping to all that is holy that I wouldn't break a child's toilet on the first day of school.

The other problem was that there was no lock on the door. It closed, but I had no way to keep any random child from flinging the door open at any moment. Picture Will Ferrell in Elf sitting on an elf chair. Now switch that to a toilet, and have him desperately grasping the door handle with one hand, and you have my situation. Luckily the bathroom visit ended without incident, and I got out and washed my hands.

Weird thing number 2: the handwashing facilities are completely inadequate for one reason or another. The options are either a) no soap nor any place for soap to exist, b) soap, but no hand drying implement such as paper towels or a blow dryer, or c) neither soap NOR a hand dryer. I would say the majority of situations fall into category (b). Because not washing your hands is gross and unsanitary, I will often find myself with clean, dripping hands that I have to fling about wildly as I search for a place to dry them, eventually settling on my jeans as a towel replacement. Do Koreans  just wander around with wet hands all day? Or do their hands magically soak up water so that drying is unnecessary?

Another weird thing: THERE ARE NO TRASH CANS. ANYWHERE. EVER. This place is insanely clean. There is never litter or trash thrown about, and you only see a pile of trash on trash day by the curb. Such a clean system must be a result of many trash cans, right? WRONG. I can walk 5-6 blocks and not run past a single trash can the entire way. In a very urban part of the city, where anywhere else in the world there would be trash cans every 100 feet. So I'll get an iced tea, drink it as I walk, then be stuck holding the empty cup FOREVER because I cannot find a single appropriate place to throw it away. Restaurants have no trash cans. Office buildings, none. The gym, also none. Malls, NOPE. WHERE DO THEY PUT THEIR TRASH? WHY AM I THE ONLY PERSON WALKING AROUND HOLDING EMPTY CUPS ALL THE DAMN TIME??? If I die in Korea, I guarantee there will be an empty plastic cup in my hand when I do.

Final weird thing of the day: no napkins. I'm seeing a trend here about inadequate facilities for hand maintenance. When you go to a restaurant, you are lucky if they provide you with one single, small square cocktail napkin. You can't find napkins by the straws and silverware like most places. I keep wondering, do Koreans just not get their hands dirty? EVER? How do you not need to wipe your hands, mouth, chin, whatever while you're eating? How can an entire population NOT BE MESSY?

I got dinner tonight at a big food court in a department store. As I brought my (napkinless) tray to an empty seat, I noticed that all the tables were very clean with no trash or food particles on them. This wouldn't be surprising except for the complete and utter lack of people employed to clean tables. No one was walking around cleaning tables. So basically, Koreans eat ALL KINDS of food, spill nothing on the table or themselves, get nothing on their hands, and somehow leave the table spotless and immaculate WITHOUT THE HELP OF A NAPKIN. I am starting to feel like a giant slobby mess, because I can't eat noodles without getting sauce on my face, or eat certain things without getting something on my hands, or having a tiny crumb fall onto the table. I am the person who gets EXTRA napkins because I'm likely to make more of a mess than normal people, so now I'm super self conscious about eating in public for fear that napkins will not be made available and I'll have to walk out with red sauce all over my chin and curry on my hands.

And just FYI, the next time I went into the bathroom at school I saw that the occupied stall was in fact a full-sized toilet and I didn't need to use the kiddy potty at all... Whoopsie.