YOU'RE SINGLE BECAUSE YOU PULLED A HOUDINI

The blog has been somewhat neglected in the past few weeks, but lo and behold, I got myself a date. My friends and I now hope for one of two things - 1) the date goes awesome, and I go on a second date, etc. OR 2) the date goes so horribly awry that only an awesome blog entry could result. Seeing as this is a blog entry, you can guess which way it went.

I have been on a free dating site for a while, and after two failed attempts upon my arrival in LA, I pretty much ignored it. The site does, however, send me a message when a person sends me a message on the site, so sometimes I'll go in and clear out my inbox to rid it of all the "hi how r u" idiots who can't form a complete sentence or punctuate a question, let alone ask something that might garner an interesting response. After a few weeks of radio silence, a message pops up in my email. The preview showed proper grammar and an actual question, so I had to check this one out.

Turns out said poster was a stand up comic, who was cute, my age, not religious, and educated enough to put thoughts into sentences in a manner that didn't register as "DURRRRRRRRRR" in my brain, so I responded. We later became facebook friends, and I was asked on an actual date for the following week.

The day of the date, he messaged me and told me that he could still go, but had to leave early because he had to fill in for a comic who had dropped out of a show, but invited me to come along and see it. I agreed, thinking what better way to get to know this guy than see him perform. To be honest, I'm nervous - I'm almost always the funny one on dates, which really is a warning sign that I'm dating the wrong people, but to date someone who is potentially funnier than me and therefore might not find me funny was daunting. I was a little more awkward than usual, and, well, drank a whole beer (yay for the 7% alcohol one I chose).

My date seemed nice, but wasn't exactly the booming personality I expected from a stand up comic. I figured it was just first date jitters, and after our drinks we headed down the street to the club. This is where it gets weird.

We walk in, and of course he knows everyone. A show is going on, so he tells me to have a seat in the lobby and takes over working the door while another guy goes to the restroom or something. I sit with no interaction from him for at least 20 minutes, at which time he tells me the show is about to start so I should go in and find a seat. This is the only discussion we have. I go in, sit in the back, and order some cake to hopefully sober my poor, pathetic drunk ass up.

He is about the third comic to go on, and I was ready for a good show. Sadly, I was less than impressed. In fact, my competitive nature came out and part of me wanted to get up there and show all these people up. However, once his routine was over I was unsure of what to do. Should I leave because he was done? Was he going to come back and sit with me til the end of the show? Would he just let me watch it while he did other things and find me after it was over? I was confused, and not wanting to be rude to the person onstage, I kept my seat.

Thinking this show would be 4-5 comics, I was ready to go home about 30 minutes later, but noooo, they'd found every semi-funny comic in the city of Burbank to take up my time til nearly 11:30pm on a work night. I paid for my cake, eagerly awaited the end of the show where I wouldn't look like a douche for walking out, and wandered into the lobby, where I expected to find my date waiting. No such luck.

Still part of me was convinced he'd come check back when he thought the show was done, so I waited in the lobby, talking to other comics that came and went for about 30 minutes. Finally, frustrated and exhausted, I asked where this fucker was. No one knew. "Maybe he's watching the other show." Ok, where the hell is that? Someone walked me to an unmarked door and led me into a large empty room where the show had obviously ended a while before. Any other leads? "Oh, he might be at the bar."

The bar? Where the hell was this "bar"? I was escorted through the large auditorium to the other (completely unknown to anyone who came into this entrance) side of the club, which did in fact have a bar. A bustling bar, complete with my date and a beer.

"Hey, how did you like the show?" He asked when he saw me.

Confused as to why I was left to fend for myself on a DATE, I replied "Not bad, I enjoyed it."

His demeanor suggested he wasn't a huge douchebag, but merely COMPLETELY CLUELESS. He still seemed at least as interested as he was at the bar, and when I told him I had to go because it was 12FUCKING30am and I had to be at work at 8:30 the next day, he seemed surprised. He told me it was nice meeting me, gave me a hug, and asked if he could text me sometime. I said sure.

WHAT JUST HAPPENED? I was basically on a date for 4 hours and saw my date for 30 minutes. This could have been solved VERY easily. For instance:
1) I have to do some work at the door of this other show, meet me in the bar when you're done with this show.
2) He could have come SAT WITH ME in the audience after his set.
3) He could have come in and pulled me out of the audience after his set to have drinks with him.
4) He could have met me in the lobby after the show was over.
OR, as he chose,
5) He could have left me to watch an hour and a half show by myself, assuming I would figure out where he was, since no one told me there was a "bar" in the building and there were no signs to indicate this fact, and when I didn't show up in said bar til 12:30am knowing the show was over, he just stayed in the bar and drank beer with his friends.

So why is an attractive stand up comic (who sadly isn't as funny as I'd hoped) still single? Maybe because he has a complete inability to communicate and no common courtesy to even check on his "date" during the course of a four-hour evening.

I left confused. I wasn't angry, I wasn't disappointed - I hadn't gotten to know him enough to see if I even liked him - I just had no idea how a human could be so completely clueless about how to conduct himself on a date. He opened doors, bought my beer, then abandoned me in a rubix cube of a comedy club full of mediocre comics when I needed to get my ass home to bed so I could be a productive member of society the following morning.

Seriously, people. USE YOUR BRAINS.