AN OPEN LETTER TO THE GUY THAT ROBBED ME

Dear iPhone Thief -

First off, I'd like to congratulate you on getting away with my 2 year old iPhone 4s.  That phone will sell for big bucks on the black market, I assure you.  Sorry you didn't get the earbuds too, but hey, I had to keep a souvenir.  However, I'm a tad bit pissed off that you got my brand new phone cover.  I'd had it for two days.  TWO DAYS DUDE.  I special ordered it because it was SO AWESOME you couldn't get it at any old store.  I mean, have you ever seen a phone cover with a space cat shooting laser beams out its eyes?  Me neither, until I bought the one you stole.  I mean, it had a CAT WITH MOTHERFUCKING LASER BEAMS SHOOTING OUT ITS EYES.  IN SPACE.  GodDAMN you.

But I digress.  What was your plan exactly anyway?  Did you assume I'd just be so shocked I would stand there like a statue while you ran into the nice neighborhood to hide?  I mean, there was one of you, and you're not very big.  Did you have a getaway car up that hill?  I'm going to assume you did, because stealing something on foot with no way out is really fucking stupid.  Yet I saw no car waiting for you anywhere NEAR where you were going - did you just freak out and get lost?  If you're going to rob somebody, you'd probably better not be of the freaking out sort.

I know why you picked me - I'm blonde, I was walking (not running), and in real life I don't look like the crazy bitch that lurks inside of me.  I look younger than I am and am not very big.  I was wearing my glasses.  That automatically put me in the wuss category working out with glasses on.  Easy peasy right?  Just run up behind this chick, grab the phone out of her hand, and run to some apparently undetermined location (I stress again, bad plan) with the awesomely obsolete phone you stole.

Thank you for picking me.  No, really.  I mean, this was a new experience for me.  I've never been a crime victim before, I'm just used to putting little punk-ass shits like you in prison, hiding behind the power of a badge I no longer carry.  No one can really say how they'd react if something like this happened to them, and, despite my background, I honestly didn't know either.  Thank you for picking me because I learned that my instinct is to be a GIANT BADASS and come at you like a fucking monster truck.  COME AT ME BRO.

In my intense state of rage as I ran after you as fast as I physically could, the most satisfying thing I saw was the fear in your eyes.  The complete and utter lack of preparation for the fact that someone like me would fight back and your panic as you tried to figure out the next phase of your plan.  I can still see it, the "HOLY SHIT, BITCH BE CRAZY" look in your eyes.  If my eyes could adequately convey my feelings (which I'm not sure they can, so this is conjecture), you could've seen that if I caught up to you, you would be in a WORLD OF PAIN.  People can pick up cars with adrenaline - I could beat your skinny teen ass like a goddamned yeti with the adrenaline I had that day.

Consider yourself lucky.  You're lucky because I'm in pretty pathetic shape right now, strength- and endurance-wise.  You're lucky that I have asthma because the only reason I stopped running was because I physically could not put air in my lungs.  And you're lucky because I'm a clumsy fuck who, when faced with a 3-block sprint in my condition, pretty much tripped over my own feet as my body gave out.

So while you sit at home enjoying my old phone, I get to sit here enjoying my brand new iPhone 5, which literally became $99 TODAY because you robbed me 2 days before my contract gave me the maximum discount.  You won't get $99 out of my phone.  Maybe that fucking awesome case, but not the phone.

And while you plot your next poorly-planned robbery attempt, I'll be running.  I'll be running in my new running shoes that I will have fitted especially for me.  Not running to get fit, like every time I've tried before.  Running for a purpose.  Running to know that I can catch your punk ass if this were to ever happen again.  Running to match the body to the badass living in my brain.

Maybe my actions shocked you enough that you'll think twice about who you try to victimize.  Now every woman you see could potentially be as crazy as I am and chase your ass down.  Second thoughts now?  I hope that when you think of me, you remember fear.  I hope you're embarrassed by how close you came to getting caught and beaten on by a girl.

And most of all, I hope you REALLY FUCKING ENJOY MY LASER CAT COVER and appreciate that that is a PRICELESS GEM you happened upon when stealing a phone you hoped would be an iPhone 5.  Dick.

Go fuck yourself,

Your Eternal Nemisis