AN INTROVERT'S PARADISE

Hi, let me introduce myself. I'm an introvert and have moderate social anxiety. Please don't talk to me more than is absolutely necessary or I may short circuit. Thanks.

Let's be honest - I was slightly terrified about how my social anxiety would handle having to communicate with people in a foreign language that I barely knew and could hardly read. You would be as surprised as I was to find out that living in a place where I don't really know the language is a goddamn blessing in disguise for introverts and the socially anxious. People DON'T TALK TO YOU. It's exactly the way I want America to be!

While I would have to plan how to order a coffee or sandwich for about ten minutes before actually approaching the counter at a restaurant, this inconvenience was minor compared to the glorious silence I felt at all other times. Being a foreigner, and not only that, a very OBVIOUS foreigner, made it easy for salespeople, servers, random strangers, and creepy guys to decide that I would not be a very reliable object of conversation and keep their interactions with me to a minimum. I got so used to shopping without speaking to anyone aside from a rare "annyeonghaseyo" and small nod when I walked in a store that it felt like I never had to interact with ANYONE. It was seriously grand.

I was occasionally reminded of what I was (not) missing out on in America when I went to the touristy parts of town where salespeople spoke English. I learned quickly to stay away from those areas if I wanted people to leave me the hell alone.

No one spoke to me when I got on an elevator. No one tried to strike up a conversation on the subway. Taxi drivers would generally be silent the entire ride. Anyone who may have found me attractive didn't dare try out their broken English on me. Store clerks didn't bother telling me about specials. And the best part? NO ONE THOUGHT I WAS RUDE FOR NOT TALKING TO THEM. A polite smile and nod was enough.

Then I came back to the US. I was unprepared not only because I had enjoyed so many months without being bothered, but also because I was out of practice and literally had forgotten how to speak to other human beings I didn't know. My first time at Starbucks, a couple of hours after landing, I had to step back and actually formulate the order in my brain. I used to order the same thing every single day, and now I needed a moment to compose myself before I had such an intense interaction with an English-speaking human.

The same thing happened when I went shopping. People tried to talk to me, and my smile and nod wasn't cutting it. I had actually physically forgotten how to make small talk. It was like one of those things you hate to do so the second you don't have to do it, you erase that part of your brain to make room for something new. That, and I wasn't used to speaking English to anyone I didn't know relatively well, so I couldn't even remember what was appropriate to talk about with strangers.

I have to say, the most overwhelming part of coming back was being bombarded by people who speak your language and might actually be talking to you. In a weird backwards reaction, I actually felt like everyone was staring at me in the US, as opposed to the place where I actually stood out. I felt like I was doing things weirdly, and that people would notice, or that I was saying things wrong.

You might notice that this post isn't particularly funny, unless you're laughing AT me right now. Yeah, I actually FORGOT HOW TO BE FUNNY because I had to interact with so few English-speaking strangers. Sometimes on Saturdays when I went out exploring by myself I wouldn't speak English at all for the whole day. Funny things would happen, but when I would attempt to retell the story later, I had forgotten how to use words in a way that conveyed anything but the most mundane facts.

My snarkiness has been misplaced, with the exception of a rare one-liner here and there. I feel like I've reverted to "Your mom..." and have to work back up to reasonably intelligent conversation. Talking to people I didn't talk to or text with frequently in Korea is difficult, because I'm so self-conscious now that I'm back. My shrink said this was normal, but I feel like it's been too long to still be culture shock.

After 2 weeks at work in St. Louis, where I was relatively quiet because there might be Trump supporters there, and then 2 weeks of work in LA, I'm finally starting to feel comfortable talking to coworkers again. But I guarantee you if you asked people at the first job I had when I came back who I was, they wouldn't remember me because I was quiet and boring as fuck.

But almost 3 months back, I'm getting a little better. I only hesitate a split second when ordering my Starbucks now, I've remembered to keep my headphones in at all times when on public transportation or walking around downtown (lest a creepy dude try to talk to me), and my thoughts are somewhat coming back to my mouth in an understandable format. But be patient. I promise somewhere in my brain, there's funny stuff and whining and sarcasm, but I just don't remember how to articulate it quite yet...