I always find myself with fantastic blog ideas right around the time when I should be doing other things, so the fact that I have 2 group projects due in less than a week means I'm feeling damned creative and am ready to procrastinate the fuck out of this evening.
While driving across town at 8pm this evening to get my hair cut in someone's living room, I did a very dishonorable, embarrassing thing - I listened to KOST 103.5 for their 24/7 Christmas music extravaganza. Generally it's the same songs, Mariah Carey or Bing Crosby, but not tonight. No feel good warm fuzzies for this drive. Immediately upon turning on the radio, an 80s-ish sounding song comes on. I listen to the words, since it's not a traditional Christmas song...and suddenly David Bowie or who the hell ever starts singing about how there's no food or rain in Africa, and do they even know it's Christmas?
First of all, this is quite contrary to what I know about the rains in Africa - I bless those rains. Second, WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO DEPRESS ME? Seriously, the whole song was like "everything sucks, people have no food, it's a drought, we're so angsty, Africa is full of sad dying people, do they even know it's Christmas?" all with cheerful-sounding sleigh bells in the background. Come on, KOST, just because the song says the word "Christmas" doesn't necessarily mean it's a cheerful holiday tune. (And for the record, it was "Do they even know it's Christmas" by "Band Aid" - some random charity shit I remember vaguely being made fun of on SNL in the early 90s)
Why do you think I listen exclusively to KDAY? I don't want to hear about starving people, I want to hear about that Maserati you bought with your drug money and all the hos you got up in your grill. That's some happy shit right there. Cristal poppin in the stretch Navigator... how's that NOT UPLIFTING? But I digress.
Luckily Whiney McSadness was quickly followed by Little Drummer Boy, which took me off suicide watch, but also got me thinking. Christmas songs are fucking stupid. Hey, I'm a poor kid and I want to bring you a baby gift, but since I can't buy anything, how about I show up at your house while your baby sleeps and BANG ON MY DRUMS? Sound good? Sweet, because that's what's gonna happen. Babies love loud noises, this is going to go over great. I'm going to show up in my friend's hospital room someday with a drumset after she gives birth and take great offense when she tells me to get the fuck out, because obviously Jesus thought this was a cool ass gift.
And "chestnuts roasting on an open fire..." Has anyone ever even eaten a chestnut? I know they must exist, if only because of that song and the fact that things like horses and wood and hair can be chestnut-colored. I've had walnuts, peanuts, Brazil nuts (that'd be a good song), pistachios, macadamia nuts, almonds, I can keep going here...seriously, name me a food that has chestnuts. Tell me the last time you ate one. Why on earth are they associated with Christmas? If they were so awesome wouldn't they bust out the chestnuts in early November right along with the canned pumpkin and egg nog? Can't they just change the song to smores? I know that's not Christmassy, but it's the only believable thing that can be roasted on an open fire, unless you want to go all out with a whole pig or something. But, for simplicity's sake, we'll do smores.
I've already expressed my displeasure with the leaping lords of the 12 Days of Christmas. While a friend on facebook explained the symbolism of all the gifts in the song, she failed to find an answer for why the hell the lords LEAP. Despite my relatively small bank of knowledge on British aristocracy, I'm pretty sure "leaping" wasn't something lords did frequently. Perhaps it's a German thing. But then it probably would have been "kaisers kicking," which I'm actually pretty sure kaisers would do on occasion, whether it be small animals, servants, or their wives. Couldn't lords loiter? Or just lord, perhaps? I mean, they let the drummers drum, so why get all complicated. Lords can lord over their serfs. Done and done. But fancy Christmas song man would prefer they leap. Because of this I request a video of the House of Lords in a spontaneous group leap.
And because KOST is a family-friendly station and apparently Adam Sandler doesn't live up to that label, my favorite Christmas song, "The Hannukah Song," is never played. It's SO GOOD. It MAKES SENSE. No chestnuts or drumming for babies or leaping lords, just drinking gin and tonnakah and smoking marijuannakah. Have a happy, happy, happy Hannukah...
And people wonder why I wanted to be a Jew when I was a kid.