Saturday, May 24, 2014


No, stupid, not like a nursing home - I suppose they're called "retirement communities," basically apartments that don't allow anyone under 65 to live there.  I passed one walking to the grocery store and looked at how nice all plants on the balconies were, how well it was kept up, and I began to think - this is the perfect place for me!

Somewhere not too deep in my soul lives a crotchety old lady who wants to yell at kids to get off her lawn and play bingo on Wednesday nights.  Let's face it, I'm not fun anymore.  I don't want to go out after 10pm, my body pretty much rejects alcohol, I can't handle loud noises or crowds and I really don't want to see anyone except my smallish group of friends.  How is that NOT like an old person?

Here is a not-quite-exhaustive list of why I really need to live in senior housing:

1) Quiet. - When you live in normal apartments, people are young and do things like "party" and "stomp for no good reason."  I doubt I'll have to go ask Clarence upstairs to turn down the bass to his music because I can't sleep at 2am.  And you DEFINITELY won't hear your next door neighbors having "intimate relations" (don't you DARE try to convince me that old people have sex, I have enough emotional issues already without that mental picture).  Although the loud TVs might get to me, they'll be turned off before bedtime at 8pm so it won't be a problem.

2) I hate people. - You know it's true.  I don't want to talk to strangers or have to interact with human beings under circumstances that I myself have not created.  My social anxiety makes it hard to even go sit at a pool that's got a group of people hanging around it for fear they might try and talk to me and I won't have anything cool to say.  Old people are the best.  They're too old to give a shit about being cool, as noted by the gentleman I saw walking around the lake last week wearing a full track suit and cargo shorts OVER his track pants.  And they like to bitch.  I could complain allllll day with a group of old folks.  We hate the same things - kids, noisy dogs, hippies, it not being the perfect temperature at all times. 

3) Bingo - I fucking love bingo.  Probably because the first time I went I won $400, but still, I enjoy a rousing game of bingo when there is a monetary reward at stake.  I don't even know where to play bingo in LA, except drag queen bingo where the prize is likely something I'm highly uninterested in.  I don't want to go hang out at a bar, those are loud.  They have people.  Sometimes a lot of people in a small space.  DISLIKE.  I'd love to, however, go out on the patio and play bingo after dinner, where no one is expecting me to stay until midnight and I still have time afterwards to watch some Netflix.

As long as the "old person smell" doesn't permeate my apartment unit, I'd be perfectly fine.  And maybe those places offer free dinner too...I don't know, I haven't really looked into it, but that'd be a giant plus.  Little old ladies like to bake things for people, I bet they'd bring me treats on a regular basis.  Wow, this is sounding better and better - and I'm realizing just what a crotchety old fart I actually am.  And yes, I probably will watch Law and Order after publishing this, shut up.