Wednesday, March 26, 2014


The other day I went to a psychic.  Yes, like one of the ones with the neon signs of "psychic" and "tarot readings" in the windows.  Why did I go to a psychic?

1) I'm batshit crazy, specifically at this moment.
2) I had a Groupon.

"But you're always batshit crazy, so why is now different?" you ask.  I blame a friend who told me about her ridiculously accurate chakra reading and made me desperate for someone to tell me something positive was going to happen in the next month or so.  I'm about to graduate, I'm looking for a job, and as always, I want a goddamned boyfriend.  Three things I have little to no control over.

I don't even technically believe in psychics, although I've seen things and heard things from friends that dampen my skepticism.  I'm kind of like Mulder, with that poster of the UFO saying "I want to believe."  I do, I SO WANT TO BELIEVE.  If you don't get that reference, obviously you weren't at the XFiles convention I went to in 1995.

So my insanely skeptical self sat down with some random chick who whips out her tarot cards and tells me to shuffle them while thinking really hard about the things I want answers to.  That wasn't difficult, since my mind is consumed with the thought that come May 16, I will be homeless and jobless and I will have to resort to writing my resume on cardboard with a sharpie I borrow from a gas station attendant.

As she pulls out the cards she starts saying things, like "do you have an interview or meeting in the next ten days?" (keep in mind my only information for her was my name and birth date, which I told her upon entering so no google searches allowed).  I had, in fact, received an email that morning scheduling a call with a large PR firm for two days out, so that was a tad spooky.  Then, the next day, I got a call from another place setting up a physical interview.  Score 1 for psychic lady.

She pulled up more cards, saying that she sees that I will be moving in the next 10 weeks, which is true - job or not, my landlord is selling this apartment in May and my rent will likely be doubled.  That and I want to get closer to the damn ocean and its breezes that make 90 degree days livable.

Then she got down to the nuts and bolts of why I had always secretly wanted to see a psychic but was too embarrassed to before: the "love" card.  She looked at it for a second and was like "You're not currently in a relationship, are you?"  I don't know if it was the cat hair on my shirt or the desperation in my eyes, or if she was actually psychic, but I told her she was correct.  Then she told me she sees me being in a relationship within 10 weeks, that it will be a long-term relationship and that I have not met this person yet.  I supposedly will be introduced by one of my male friends.  That narrows it down a ton, since I probably have more male friends than female friends.  But I grasp for straws where they're given, and I held onto this one tightly.

So the over-under on this one was that I'm going to be introduced to a dude by a friend (always the best way, in my opinion), my interviews will be fruitful and will lead to something shortly and that I will be financially stable soon - she specifically said stable but not rich.  Which, dear god, is all I'm asking for.  I've never felt the glory of financial stability so this is like my ultimate sad adult dream. 

She said some other shit about having a friend who was jealous of me and didn't want me to succeed, but I couldn't pin that on anyone except perhaps EVERYONE AT MY FIRST JOB but I think she was meaning currently.  But then again likely most young females have one friend who is like that, so she could've just pulled that out of her ass and 90% of people would have related to it.  I will be "surrounded by good friends" soon, "perhaps at a wedding or other event" so I'll put that on going to Austin next weekend and seeing 10,000 people (ok probably just 10) I haven't seen in years.

Part of me now understands why people need religion - they need to feel in control when their life is completely out of control.  I guess some people believing in "god's plan" is sort of like me going to a psychic to tell me things that take a tiny bit of anxiety out of my everyday life.  If I don't magically find a boyfriend in 10 weeks, I won't be shocked - only a tiny part of me actually believes she's right about any number of things - but to hear someone tell you, an uninterested third party, that you'll be employed, financially stable, and finally have a man is nice to hear, if nothing else.

And my friends and parents could say the same thing over and over, but just like your mom telling you she doesn't understand why the "cool kids" don't like you since she thinks you're cool, your family and friends telling you you'll get a job and find stability in life is sweet, but biased and meant to make you feel better.

Make fun all you like, but making me calm the fuck down while life takes its course is exactly what I needed, and maybe I did it through non-traditional means.  At least it keeps me away from panic attacks and extra doses of benzos.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014


I knew it would eventually come down to this, so here is my personally designed boyfriend application.
Last name ___________  First name __________   DOB __________  Height __________  Weight_________  Hair color _________  Eye color _____________ 
Current City___________  Hometown ___________ Do you EVER hope to move back to your hometown?  Y/N
1) Do you have kids?  Y/N  If yes, please give their ages _______  How often are you required to see them? _______
2) Do you want (more) kids?  Y/N  (if yes, please wad this up and throw it in the trash)
3) On a scale of 1-10, how hairy do you consider yourself?  ___  Is any of that on your back?  Y/N
4) Do you currently have or plan on having facial hair more than just "not shaving for 3 days"?  Y/N
5) Do you have at least a bachelor's degree from a non-online accredited 4-year university?  Y/N
6) On a typical day, do you consider yourself happy or at least content? Y/N
7) Have you ever been prescribed antidepressants and refused to take them and/or have your friends ever suggested you see a therapist but you "don't believe in that"?   Y/N
8) Are you on good terms with your parents?  Y/N
9) Would you consider yourself racist or homophobic or has anyone told you that you are?  Y/N
10) Do you own a gun?  Y/N  If yes (and you are not a law enforcement official), would you get rid of the gun if I asked you to?  Y/N
11) Do you identify with any organized religion?  Y/N   If yes, and the answer is Christianity, please throw this paper away.  If yes and it is not Christianity, please elaborate on beliefs and importance in your life __________________________________________________________________
12) Do you have any pets that are not CATS or DOGS?  Y/N
13) Do you consider FoxNews to be a credible news authority?   Y/N
14) Are you an "actor" (also known as "waiter" or "bartender")?  Y/N
15) Please finish this sentence:  "We got no FOOD, we got no JOBS....______________________"
16) Do you own any of the following (circle all that apply):  Crocs     Skinny jeans     Gold chains    
Anything ever worn by Justin Bieber     
17) Do you "believe in marriage"?  Y/N
18) How often do you drink? _______  How often do you drink HEAVILY?________
19) I introduce you as "cock biscuit" to a friend.  How do you introduce me in response?  _________________
20) Are you vegan or do you follow any stupid fad diet that will restrict where we go out to eat?  Y/N
21) Do you have a REAL job (salaried and requires skill) and is it stable?   Y/N
22) Do your friends think you're hilarious?  Y/N
23) Have you ever been described as attractive by a female or gay man to whom you are not related?  Y/N
24) Do you like country music?  Y/N
25) Are you a convicted felon?  Y/N
26) What is your general feeling on napping? _______________
Tell me a hilarious story of something that has happened to you.  I am judging you both on what you find hilarious and your grammatical prowess.
Please return to Assbucket complete with a photograph showing a close-up of your face.  You may include a silly photograph as well, but the "normal" face photo is a requirement.  Applications without photographs will be burned.  Letters of recommendation are also accepted but only from close friends who know you well (male or female).  Your mom's opinion does not count.  Also if you're friendly with an ex-girlfriend, I'd appreciate a letter from her as well.
Inspired by the photo below - I give credit where credit is due.