Saturday, February 22, 2014


I'm sorry.  I just can't do it anymore.  Not even for your comic relief.  The last date I had from an online site was Guinea Pig Guy, and that was over a year ago.  Great story, horrific night.

A few months ago I gave it one last hurrah by joining  They were running a special or something, and I was feeling painfully single (which is the same feeling as "waking up" or "walking down the street" to me).  I would scroll through the guys, rejecting 90% on looks alone - then I'd have to read the profile of the cute ones to see that they were single because they couldn't spell or were so boring I couldn't finish their details.

Then something made me download the OkCupid and Tinder apps.  This was an even worse idea.  I already had an account on OKC that I never checked, so my inbox was backed up to hell and back.  I didn't even have to open some of the messages to know I didn't want anything to do with "George, 53 in Phoenix".   Really?  You not only think a 31-year-old female would be interested in a 50-something guy at all, but that I would want to date you long distance?  You're single because you're fucking stupid. 

And then, one day, I got this:

BigFishBigSea, 29  Encino, CA

"OkCupid seems to think we are a good match. I'd love a chance to talk to you and see if they are right or not.

I realize my profile is lacking a picture.  I'm happy to provide one should you like to see me (which I'm sure you would).

Have you ever been in a relationship with a strong Dominance &submission aspect to it?"


There are so many things wrong with this I can't even begin. 

First, NO PICTURE.  You know what that means?  UGLY OR FAT.  I guarantee it.  You and I both know that the only reason that you wouldn't want someone to see you before engaging in conversation is because you are less than pleasant to look at.  Think about it.  How many of you attractive readers out there have, at least in some minor way, used your looks to get something?  If you're attractive, you know it, and no attractive person WOULDN'T use a picture of themselves being attractive to lure people in to what we will all eventually find out is a den of crazy.

And you realize your profile is lacking a picture?  So this means you're not just in a hurry, you meant to do this?  Strategic, because you're ugly.  "I'd be happy to provide one should you like to see me (which I'm sure you would)" OH YOU'RE SURE ARE YOU?  Actually, the fact that you haven't shown me a picture in the first place makes me not even dare to think about what kind of horrible troll you actually must look like, and I most certainly don't want to see something so hideous that I can't unsee it.  You have a lot of confidence for a guy who doesn't have enough confidence to PUT UP A FUCKING PICTURE.

Also your name...BigFishBigSea?  With no picture all I see is "fatty fatty fat fat" with your multiple uses of "big".  Not helping.

Now let's get to everyone's favorite part.  "Have you ever been in a relationship with a strong Dominance & submission aspect to it?" 

a) Why the HELL would you ask this in a first email to someone, or in a message at all?  Why wouldn't you bring that up later on, say after we'd been dating a little bit?  The rest of your message, minus the fact that you have no photo, is relatively tame and semi-normal.   Then you throw this at me and I'm TOTALLY BLINDSIDED.

b) The fact that you capitalized "dominance" and used an ampersand instead of just "and" in a sentence completely voids any points you got earlier in the letter for proper grammar.

c) Have I ever been in a RELATIONSHIP with dominance and submission?  No, no I have not.  In my RELATIONSHIPS my partner and I are equals.  I'm not sure if you meant it as simply dominance and submission in the sexual realm (which is what you SHOULD mean) or if you actually want an entire relationship where one of us is the other's slave.  If you want a relationship with that aspect I highly suggest you go see a shrink because that screams loudly of weird childhood issues.

If you meant dominance and submission during sex, why the hell are you asking me that the first time you talk to me?  Seriously.  Your first couple of sentences seem to think you'd like to get to know me, and then that last one screams WAIT NO I JUST WANT TO WEAR A DIAPER WHILE YOU WHIP ME.  Do you just want someone to come over to your house wearing a dominatrix outfit?  If so, just come out and say it, don't pretend you want to have long talks over coffee and hold hands in the park.

I am not horrified by the concept of domination and submission or many other things that would make a Mormon cry (as long as they don't involve feet, animals or either one of our buttholes).  I'm horrified by the way you brought it up as casually as asking me what types of pastries I prefer.  This is obviously why you're on the internet dating.  Your social skills are so painfully underdeveloped that you can't even properly introduce yourself to a stranger ONLINE when you have unlimited amounts of time to craft a perfectly-worded message to woo me - I can't even imagine what you say to people in person when you meet.  Likely you don't go out much for that very reason.

Everyone wanted to know if I wrote this guy back, but honestly I was so shocked that I couldn't even form a funny response.  Not even hours later.  I was just continuously horrified - enough to take a screenshot of the message and send it to my friend so we could all share in the wide range of emotions this brought with it.

So I'm done.  I deleted all my apps, I no longer check my free site profiles for messages, it's just not worth my time.  The type of person I want to date wouldn't ever have to be online, because I want someone confident and in control of the situation.  I want the type of person who would come up to me in a bar because they have the balls to talk to strangers.  I want someone who has enough confidence that when I'm a giant jackass and start spouting random shit that they come right back with a retort that's not only witty but one-ups me.  Those kind of people don't have to be online.

Worry not, my friends.  Once I get myself out and about and actually meet humans in person, I'm sure I'll still have some weird ass stories to tell - I don't expect my first date to be the person I'm going to marry (but dear god would that be a relief).  So it's over.  I broke up with you, internet dating.  I'm not going to come running back.  It's never been right, and it never will be right.  Goodbye forever.