Sunday, December 15, 2013


Ok, I don't write a fashion blog.  I don't even follow fashion blogs.  I probably should begin following some since every time I buy a new item of clothing I text my friends in a frenzy asking them how to "accessorize" and what color shoes I should wear.  That and my most recent purchases were a Snoop Dogg sweatshirt and a polka dot headband.  So how am I, the girl who wears teal moccasins daily and owns over 100 non-fitted t-shirts, qualified to give fashion advice?  Just trust me on this one.

Let's have a chat about crop tops.  Those were a thing in the 80s, when people wore high-waisted jeans and high-top Reeboks.  They were even a thing in kids' clothes in the 80s, but I wasn't about to be putting any of that shit on my body.  Luckily it died out quickly and I didn't have to deal with them again until the late 90s for entirely different reasons.

I'm just going to put it out there - even if you have the most amazing abs on the planet and aren't showing more than a few inches of skin, crop tops make you look like a whore.  Yes, I said it.  This is not a "skinny vs. fat" trend - I have not yet seen a fat chick in a crop top, most likely because they are not that fucking stupid.  Now I will freely admit that I wear low cut tops, tight clothing, short dresses, bikinis and anything that gives my cleavage the showtime it deserves.  However, certain things are only appropriate for certain occasions - most things I have worn/would wear in Las Vegas are pretty much inappropriate anywhere else.  Swimsuits are only acceptable at a beach or pool, with a slim exception for other outdoor places where one might lay out to tan.

Here are the places where crop tops are appropriate:

1.  Any outdoor party where it's warm and there is likely a pool or beach in the vicinity, thus negating the need to be fully clothed (see swimsuits, above).

2.  During vigorous exercise if and only if you are wicked ripped.

3.  Halloween

4.  If you are a dancer or cheerleader, and then only when in practice and while performing.

5.  Rap videos

6.  If you are famous for being an entertainer, more specifically BeyoncĂ©, Rihanna or Britney.

7.  In a trailer park because, well you can wear anything in a trailer park.  Literally anything.

Take note of what is not on the list.  I did not include places like "school" or "the mall".  No grocery store, restaurants (seriously, why would you want to wear something that shows your stomach while you're EATING?), bars, salons, libraries, government buildings or just walking down the street* (*unless you qualify for the prostitute exception).  Do not let the amount of crop tops at places like Forever21 and H&M confuse you - this is NOT everyday wear.  Would you wear your slutty schoolgirl costume to the mall?  No?  THIS IS THE SAME THING, even if you're pairing it with something that doesn't show your ass.

Have I worn crop tops?  Yes, yes I have.  When, you ask?  When they were a REQUIRED COSTUME in high school for my dance team.  I wore many, and even when I did, the director would usually pick ones that showed only 2-3 inches of stomach and never a bellybutton.  I've also worn them on Halloween.  There's a reason your costume is called "slutty Rainbow Brite" or "sexy police officer": it's because non-slutty people don't go around in public wearing crop tops!!  And what did I do if on either of these occasions I had to go into public before heading to my performance or party?  I'd toss a tshirt over that shit.  I'm not walking into Subway looking like a 2-bit whore, even though it would be very obvious to nearly every human that my outfit was dance-related.

So for the love of god, stop buying crop tops.  Stop wearing them in public.  I guarantee you I'm not the only one looking at you and thinking you're trashy.  If you REALLY must own one, save it for summer.  Wear it to a pool party.  Wear it to the beach.  Wear it around your house if you have to, but don't throw your image into accidental slutdom because you thought something was fashionable.

**This public service announcement was partially funded by the makers of full-length shirts.

Thursday, December 5, 2013


We've got a double entendre here - not only am I writing about something that "pushes my buttons," but in fact I'm writing about ACTUAL buttons.

I'm not entirely sure how to get this message out into the world in a manner effective enough to reach all the idiots roaming the streets, but it needs to be said.  We need to have a talk about buttons.  Two types, specifically - elevator buttons and street crossing buttons.

 I know everyone has been in the situation where they've either seen or (god forbid) partaken in the excessive pushing of buttons.  I walk into an elevator lobby alone.  I push the UP button.  It glows green, or red, or whatever particular color you feel like imagining - the point is that it's fucking LIT UP like a Christmas light.  And there are only two options (unless you live in some magical world of crazy multi-way elevators, and if so please take me there promptly) - the top button or the bottom button.  When deciding which way to travel in the giant metal box that somewhat terrifyingly lifts you to great heights, there's no way you DON'T notice if one (or both) of the buttons is lit up.  This is never a confusing situation.

When I'm standing there, alone, with my UP button glowing, waiting for my elevator, in walks another person.  That person sees me standing and waiting as well as the brightly lit UP button.  He promptly walks over to it and PRESSES THE GLOWING BUTTON AGAIN.  WHOA WHOA WHOA.  I'm sorry, did you have a problem with the way the button was glowing?  Did you look at me and think "That little bitch can't press buttons worth shit, I'm gonna give this a little extra elbow grease"?  ARE MY BUTTON-PRESSING SKILLS INADEQUATE?  WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT??

The reason this pisses me off so much is because there are not multiple settings for elevator buttons.  It's not "press once, it might show up; press twice, it'll speed up; press three times and HOLY SHIT INSTANT ELEVATOR ARRIVAL!"  No.  It's press ONCE, elevator notified.  Once the elevator is notified, that's all the power we have.  Pushing it multiple times DOES NOT MAKE IT COME FASTER.

Withholding my rage, once the elevator arrives we get on and push our respective floors.  Let's say I push 8 and he pushes 10.  Suddenly the elevator stops on the 4th floor - someone else wants to ride!  This person walks in, stares at the button panel, sees two brightly lit buttons and decides she wants to go to 8.  Here's where a normal person would say "Oh, look, how convenient, my floor has already been selected.  I shall now lean back and enjoy this glorious elevator ride."  But NOOOO.  YOU JUST HAVE TO PUSH IT AGAIN.  In a debate on this issue a while back, I was offered the explanation that pushing buttons likely makes the door close faster.  Perhaps, but you know what does that FOR SURE and not just by your educated guess?  THE CLOSE DOOR BUTTON.  If you want the doors to close, PRESS THAT BUTTON.  It seems VERY SIMPLE but apparently this is difficult.

The other time I nearly pistol whip people is at crosswalks.  I hate this so badly that I get angry if I'm driving and I see it happen.  There are two people in this particular category.  Since most crosswalk buttons don't light up to notify you they've already been pressed, I do understand the need to sometimes re-push it.  However, when I'm standing within 1 foot of said button and you go squeeze by me to push it, you're just being a dick.  Am I really stupid enough to not press the fucking walk button??  You really think I'm that person?  And even if I was, do you not see the 12 people on the other side waiting to cross this direction, any number of whom could have (and likely did) already press the button?  GodDAMN it.

Then there is the impatient pusher.  They could be a combo of this and the above, which is the ultimate in pissing me off.  Let me explain something to you.  If you stand next to the light pole and continuously press the button OVER AND OVER AND OVER 50 times, THIS WILL NOT MAKE IT GO FASTER.  People need a basic knowledge of circuitry.  Once you have pressed the button and completed the circuit, YOU CAN'T COMPLETE IT BETTER OR FASTER.  IT IS ALREADY COMPLETE.  NOW YOU MUST WAIT. 

They treat it like there's a fucking stoplight elf that lives in the pole and every time you push the button he gets poked, assuming that if you keep poking him he's going to get pissed off and be like "OK GO ALREADY STOP BOTHERING ME."  NO.  THIS IS NOT HOW IT WORKS.  Circuits do not understand annoyance.  You could press that shit all day and it wouldn't know the difference.  You know who does notice annoyance?  ME.  And guess what?  I HAVE NO POWER TO MAKE THE LIGHT CHANGE. 

The worst is when I get there first, press the button, and have been waiting for a few minutes when Mr. Pokey comes up and starts his incessant pressing, only to have the light change nearly immediately and have him think it's because he kept pressing the button.  YOU DIDN'T DO THAT.  YOU ARE LIKE A CHILD.  The one that keeps poking his mom repeating "Mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy..." until the mom can't take it anymore and is like "WHAT DO YOU WANT?!"

You are an adult.  Stop believing in the stoplight elf.  He does not exist.  He will not grant your wish the more times you push the button.  The only thing that will come from you doing this is someone like me smacking you in the head with a blunt object because you're so fucking stupid.  And if there was a stoplight elf and he did get irritated with your incessant poking, he'd probably turn the walk sign on while oncoming traffic still had a green, because that's what you deserve.