Sunday, December 15, 2013


Ok, I don't write a fashion blog.  I don't even follow fashion blogs.  I probably should begin following some since every time I buy a new item of clothing I text my friends in a frenzy asking them how to "accessorize" and what color shoes I should wear.  That and my most recent purchases were a Snoop Dogg sweatshirt and a polka dot headband.  So how am I, the girl who wears teal moccasins daily and owns over 100 non-fitted t-shirts, qualified to give fashion advice?  Just trust me on this one.

Let's have a chat about crop tops.  Those were a thing in the 80s, when people wore high-waisted jeans and high-top Reeboks.  They were even a thing in kids' clothes in the 80s, but I wasn't about to be putting any of that shit on my body.  Luckily it died out quickly and I didn't have to deal with them again until the late 90s for entirely different reasons.

I'm just going to put it out there - even if you have the most amazing abs on the planet and aren't showing more than a few inches of skin, crop tops make you look like a whore.  Yes, I said it.  This is not a "skinny vs. fat" trend - I have not yet seen a fat chick in a crop top, most likely because they are not that fucking stupid.  Now I will freely admit that I wear low cut tops, tight clothing, short dresses, bikinis and anything that gives my cleavage the showtime it deserves.  However, certain things are only appropriate for certain occasions - most things I have worn/would wear in Las Vegas are pretty much inappropriate anywhere else.  Swimsuits are only acceptable at a beach or pool, with a slim exception for other outdoor places where one might lay out to tan.

Here are the places where crop tops are appropriate:

1.  Any outdoor party where it's warm and there is likely a pool or beach in the vicinity, thus negating the need to be fully clothed (see swimsuits, above).

2.  During vigorous exercise if and only if you are wicked ripped.

3.  Halloween

4.  If you are a dancer or cheerleader, and then only when in practice and while performing.

5.  Rap videos

6.  If you are famous for being an entertainer, more specifically Beyoncé, Rihanna or Britney.

7.  In a trailer park because, well you can wear anything in a trailer park.  Literally anything.

Take note of what is not on the list.  I did not include places like "school" or "the mall".  No grocery store, restaurants (seriously, why would you want to wear something that shows your stomach while you're EATING?), bars, salons, libraries, government buildings or just walking down the street* (*unless you qualify for the prostitute exception).  Do not let the amount of crop tops at places like Forever21 and H&M confuse you - this is NOT everyday wear.  Would you wear your slutty schoolgirl costume to the mall?  No?  THIS IS THE SAME THING, even if you're pairing it with something that doesn't show your ass.

Have I worn crop tops?  Yes, yes I have.  When, you ask?  When they were a REQUIRED COSTUME in high school for my dance team.  I wore many, and even when I did, the director would usually pick ones that showed only 2-3 inches of stomach and never a bellybutton.  I've also worn them on Halloween.  There's a reason your costume is called "slutty Rainbow Brite" or "sexy police officer": it's because non-slutty people don't go around in public wearing crop tops!!  And what did I do if on either of these occasions I had to go into public before heading to my performance or party?  I'd toss a tshirt over that shit.  I'm not walking into Subway looking like a 2-bit whore, even though it would be very obvious to nearly every human that my outfit was dance-related.

So for the love of god, stop buying crop tops.  Stop wearing them in public.  I guarantee you I'm not the only one looking at you and thinking you're trashy.  If you REALLY must own one, save it for summer.  Wear it to a pool party.  Wear it to the beach.  Wear it around your house if you have to, but don't throw your image into accidental slutdom because you thought something was fashionable.

**This public service announcement was partially funded by the makers of full-length shirts.

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