Thursday, December 5, 2013


We've got a double entendre here - not only am I writing about something that "pushes my buttons," but in fact I'm writing about ACTUAL buttons.

I'm not entirely sure how to get this message out into the world in a manner effective enough to reach all the idiots roaming the streets, but it needs to be said.  We need to have a talk about buttons.  Two types, specifically - elevator buttons and street crossing buttons.

 I know everyone has been in the situation where they've either seen or (god forbid) partaken in the excessive pushing of buttons.  I walk into an elevator lobby alone.  I push the UP button.  It glows green, or red, or whatever particular color you feel like imagining - the point is that it's fucking LIT UP like a Christmas light.  And there are only two options (unless you live in some magical world of crazy multi-way elevators, and if so please take me there promptly) - the top button or the bottom button.  When deciding which way to travel in the giant metal box that somewhat terrifyingly lifts you to great heights, there's no way you DON'T notice if one (or both) of the buttons is lit up.  This is never a confusing situation.

When I'm standing there, alone, with my UP button glowing, waiting for my elevator, in walks another person.  That person sees me standing and waiting as well as the brightly lit UP button.  He promptly walks over to it and PRESSES THE GLOWING BUTTON AGAIN.  WHOA WHOA WHOA.  I'm sorry, did you have a problem with the way the button was glowing?  Did you look at me and think "That little bitch can't press buttons worth shit, I'm gonna give this a little extra elbow grease"?  ARE MY BUTTON-PRESSING SKILLS INADEQUATE?  WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT??

The reason this pisses me off so much is because there are not multiple settings for elevator buttons.  It's not "press once, it might show up; press twice, it'll speed up; press three times and HOLY SHIT INSTANT ELEVATOR ARRIVAL!"  No.  It's press ONCE, elevator notified.  Once the elevator is notified, that's all the power we have.  Pushing it multiple times DOES NOT MAKE IT COME FASTER.

Withholding my rage, once the elevator arrives we get on and push our respective floors.  Let's say I push 8 and he pushes 10.  Suddenly the elevator stops on the 4th floor - someone else wants to ride!  This person walks in, stares at the button panel, sees two brightly lit buttons and decides she wants to go to 8.  Here's where a normal person would say "Oh, look, how convenient, my floor has already been selected.  I shall now lean back and enjoy this glorious elevator ride."  But NOOOO.  YOU JUST HAVE TO PUSH IT AGAIN.  In a debate on this issue a while back, I was offered the explanation that pushing buttons likely makes the door close faster.  Perhaps, but you know what does that FOR SURE and not just by your educated guess?  THE CLOSE DOOR BUTTON.  If you want the doors to close, PRESS THAT BUTTON.  It seems VERY SIMPLE but apparently this is difficult.

The other time I nearly pistol whip people is at crosswalks.  I hate this so badly that I get angry if I'm driving and I see it happen.  There are two people in this particular category.  Since most crosswalk buttons don't light up to notify you they've already been pressed, I do understand the need to sometimes re-push it.  However, when I'm standing within 1 foot of said button and you go squeeze by me to push it, you're just being a dick.  Am I really stupid enough to not press the fucking walk button??  You really think I'm that person?  And even if I was, do you not see the 12 people on the other side waiting to cross this direction, any number of whom could have (and likely did) already press the button?  GodDAMN it.

Then there is the impatient pusher.  They could be a combo of this and the above, which is the ultimate in pissing me off.  Let me explain something to you.  If you stand next to the light pole and continuously press the button OVER AND OVER AND OVER 50 times, THIS WILL NOT MAKE IT GO FASTER.  People need a basic knowledge of circuitry.  Once you have pressed the button and completed the circuit, YOU CAN'T COMPLETE IT BETTER OR FASTER.  IT IS ALREADY COMPLETE.  NOW YOU MUST WAIT. 

They treat it like there's a fucking stoplight elf that lives in the pole and every time you push the button he gets poked, assuming that if you keep poking him he's going to get pissed off and be like "OK GO ALREADY STOP BOTHERING ME."  NO.  THIS IS NOT HOW IT WORKS.  Circuits do not understand annoyance.  You could press that shit all day and it wouldn't know the difference.  You know who does notice annoyance?  ME.  And guess what?  I HAVE NO POWER TO MAKE THE LIGHT CHANGE. 

The worst is when I get there first, press the button, and have been waiting for a few minutes when Mr. Pokey comes up and starts his incessant pressing, only to have the light change nearly immediately and have him think it's because he kept pressing the button.  YOU DIDN'T DO THAT.  YOU ARE LIKE A CHILD.  The one that keeps poking his mom repeating "Mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy mommy..." until the mom can't take it anymore and is like "WHAT DO YOU WANT?!"

You are an adult.  Stop believing in the stoplight elf.  He does not exist.  He will not grant your wish the more times you push the button.  The only thing that will come from you doing this is someone like me smacking you in the head with a blunt object because you're so fucking stupid.  And if there was a stoplight elf and he did get irritated with your incessant poking, he'd probably turn the walk sign on while oncoming traffic still had a green, because that's what you deserve.

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