I knew it would eventually come down to this, so here is my personally designed boyfriend application.
Last name ___________ First name __________ DOB __________ Height __________ Weight_________ Hair color _________ Eye color _____________
Current City___________ Hometown ___________ Do you EVER hope to move back to your hometown? Y/N
PLEASE ANSWER ALL QUESTIONS HONESTLY, YOU ARE SUBJECT TO A POLYGRAPH IF I DEEM IT NECESSARY:
1) Do you have kids? Y/N If yes, please give their ages _______ How often are you required to see them? _______
2) Do you want (more) kids? Y/N (if yes, please wad this up and throw it in the trash)
3) On a scale of 1-10, how hairy do you consider yourself? ___ Is any of that on your back? Y/N
4) Do you currently have or plan on having facial hair more than just "not shaving for 3 days"? Y/N
5) Do you have at least a bachelor's degree from a non-online accredited 4-year university? Y/N
6) On a typical day, do you consider yourself happy or at least content? Y/N
7) Have you ever been prescribed antidepressants and refused to take them and/or have your friends ever suggested you see a therapist but you "don't believe in that"? Y/N
8) Are you on good terms with your parents? Y/N
9) Would you consider yourself racist or homophobic or has anyone told you that you are? Y/N
10) Do you own a gun? Y/N If yes (and you are not a law enforcement official), would you get rid of the gun if I asked you to? Y/N
11) Do you identify with any organized religion? Y/N If yes, and the answer is Christianity, please throw this paper away. If yes and it is not Christianity, please elaborate on beliefs and importance in your life __________________________________________________________________
12) Do you have any pets that are not CATS or DOGS? Y/N
13) Do you consider FoxNews to be a credible news authority? Y/N
14) Are you an "actor" (also known as "waiter" or "bartender")? Y/N
15) Please finish this sentence: "We got no FOOD, we got no JOBS....______________________"
16) Do you own any of the following (circle all that apply): Crocs Skinny jeans Gold chains
Anything ever worn by Justin Bieber
17) Do you "believe in marriage"? Y/N
18) How often do you drink? _______ How often do you drink HEAVILY?________
19) I introduce you as "cock biscuit" to a friend. How do you introduce me in response? _________________
20) Are you vegan or do you follow any stupid fad diet that will restrict where we go out to eat? Y/N
21) Do you have a REAL job (salaried and requires skill) and is it stable? Y/N
22) Do your friends think you're hilarious? Y/N
23) Have you ever been described as attractive by a female or gay man to whom you are not related? Y/N
24) Do you like country music? Y/N
25) Are you a convicted felon? Y/N
26) What is your general feeling on napping? _______________
Tell me a hilarious story of something that has happened to you. I am judging you both on what you find hilarious and your grammatical prowess.
Please return to Assbucket complete with a photograph showing a close-up of your face. You may include a silly photograph as well, but the "normal" face photo is a requirement. Applications without photographs will be burned. Letters of recommendation are also accepted but only from close friends who know you well (male or female). Your mom's opinion does not count. Also if you're friendly with an ex-girlfriend, I'd appreciate a letter from her as well.
Inspired by the photo below - I give credit where credit is due.