Tuesday, May 3, 2011


Disclaimer: When I dated this person I was 22. I had just gotten out of a long (4.5 year) serious relationship, so I can't say I was particularly experienced in, well, anything. Obviously not choosing guys, as this horrifying story will tell you.

The only reasons I even acknowledge that I dated this person was because a) it was unfortunately a year and a half of my life and b) friends had the unfortunate experience of meeting this individual, and therefore I can't deny it ever happened.

I think back now and honestly cannot remember why I liked this guy, but we're going to go with physical attraction because I think that was the initial kicker. When you're 22, you don't see warning signs like "Hi, I'm 26, don't have a college degree, and am a professional waiter." I made up excuses like "Oh, he's going to go back to school" and "He's really smart he just wasn't ready." WRONG.

Had we lived in the same city and I had not been attending law school, thereby being somewhat busy, I might have discovered the crazy before, oh, a year and a half passed. I probably would have figured that shit out within 2 weeks, but no, now I have this scarlet letter on my relationship history that forever mars me. I suppose list format will be more appropriate, because it's just so painfully long.

1) CONSPIRACY THEORIST - I should have figured out something was wrong the first time he told me that Bush planned 9/11, but being a Bush-hater, I was really willing to hear anything negative about him, whether it be "Bush kills puppies" or "Bush and Osama Bin Ladin have tea and crumpets each Wednesday." His favorite show was on cable access, which was basically an angry nutjob like him throwing out things like "celebrity relationships are all fake to distract us from the government corruption."

He was convinced that the government was trying to poison him with flouride in the water, and that it was not put there to strengthen our teeth, so he spent $200+ to put a huge water filtration system in his tiny ass 300sq ft apartment. He would scream at me when I filled up the ice tray with tap water, and wouldn't even cook with it.

Pesticides weren't to *gasp* kill insects on plants, they were to pollute our food so we'd become some drone society that couldn't make decisions. Vaccines were to dumb down our children. Funny, I had all my necessary vaccines and managed to make it into a top 50 law school, but this fucker couldn't even graduate community college.

2) ANGER MANAGEMENT - Now add the "really fucking crazy" to "I can't control my temper" and it gets really fun from here. He'd come home from a bad day at work (dude, you're a waiter, your life is BAD DAYS) and punch the wall. I flat out told him if he ever laid a hand on me I'd legally fuck him so bad he couldn't ever get another job, which deterred him. However, it didn't deter him from acting like a complete moron in public.

Once we were at a Mexican restaurant and we both ordered margaritas. He didn't specify whether he wanted it on the rocks or frozen, so the waiter brought him the default frozen. Immediately he flips out, instead of saying "excuse me, I meant to ask for this on the rocks," he decides to scream at the waiter for being incompetent and said "a good waiter would have ASKED ME." GET OFF YOUR HIGH HORSE, YOU ARE A WAITER YOU WORTHLESS ASSHOLE. He was rude to the guy all night. When the waiter left once, I turned to him and said "I am absolutely humiliated to even be seen with you right now. I don't EVER want to see you treat another person like that, and if you say one more rude thing, I'm walking out of this restaurant and this is over. You need to learn some respect you fucking asshole."

To this he made up excuses as to why he was a better waiter than this fellow, so intentionally when the check came, he paid, and I pulled the waiter aside, in full hearing of Idiot, and handed him a 20 and said "I'm very sorry about the way he acted tonight, it was unnecessary and he embarrassed me. It will never happen again." Emasculation complete.

3) DUMB AS A FUCKING STUMP - When your girlfriend is in law school, you probably can't pull the wool over her eyes about your own complete lack of intelligence. For one, he lied about his SAT score - it came up in a conversation when he mentioned that one of the high schoolers that worked at his restaurant got a perfect score, then asked me mine. I replied, and apparently he felt threatened, because he upped his by a good 200 points I later found out. Just flat out lied.


I'd thought about dumping him for a few months, but since we saw each other so rarely it wasn't pressing. One weekend I go visit with the intention of breaking up with him, and because of this, I'm pretending I'm on my period so he doesn't try to hook up. We're about to go eat, when I say I have to use the restroom. When I emerge, he has a look of shock and complete disbelief on his face.

"What?" I asked him.

"Do you wear tampons?"

"Um, yeah...why?"

"Did you just go pee?"

"Yes...I'm confused...what's the issue here?"

"How did you pee with a tampon in?"

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT? At this point my disdain and horror is showing on my face, and I condescendingly ask him "How many holes do girls have?" to which he replied "TWO." Holding my laughter, I ask him what they're used for. "Well, one is for poop and the other is to pee and have babies."

I was so in shock that I laughed, thinking he was kidding, then realizing he wasn't. I honestly don't remember what happened after this that particular day. Suffice it to say, we went to eat, I managed to get explosive diarrhea which I promptly used to destroy his bathroom, and then left for home. I called him a day later and broke up with him. He still thinks it's because of the distance, and not because he was the most worthless fuck I've ever come in contact with. At least I left a really gross toilet for him to clean up.

I am literally so embarrassed by having dated this person for any significant length of time that I would honestly RUN the other direction if I ever came in contact with him. Luckily he's blocked on all my chats, Facebook, and the like, so he'll never find me, especially since I'm 1500 miles away from where I'm last believed to have lived. But because of this, I feel like no matter my successes, I can never reach the actual top because of this indiscretion.

It's like saying "Yeah, I'm king of the world, I own every landmass on the planet, BUT I fucked a donkey in college and it's on YouTube."

1 comment:

  1. HAHAHAHHAHAH oh God, the "pee and have babies" just about killed me...


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