Wednesday, June 8, 2011


I came into the singles scene a little later than most. Having had back-to-back boyfriends for nearly 8 years, with the short span of 6 months of self-inflicted singledom, I never really did the whole "dating" thing. Come 2008, I get dumped, and I have to start all over. But from where?

After 6-9 months of making a valiant effort of getting over my shockingly unforeseen dumpage, I decided to see what it was like dating. I worked in a terrible office in a terrible county in Texas, so it was obvious I was going to need to seek mates outside of work. A few nights downtown with friends turned into nothing, and someone suggested the internet.

At the time I was horrified. Now, I understand why I was horrified. I, an attractive, educated female in her mid-twenties shouldn't need to go on the internet to find a date. I should be able to find one in the real world. Sadly, this was not occurring and in order to take my mind off loneliness and job dissatisfaction, I hopped aboard the internet dating train and held on for dear life.

First was Match. My initial reaction was that everyone on there had some sort of sociopathic tendency or they were an outright serial killer. When I met the first guy I actually began messaging, I was pleased to find out this was not the case. He was perfectly normal. He was just...boring.

Three years and 4 dating sites later, I have come to realize that this is the main problem. Everyone I have met (which is the small number of about 5-6 in 3 different cities combined) has been reasonably attractive, did not appear to have any startling psychotic tendencies, and were in most respects completely normal. Here, is what I've found, is WHY they were on the internet:

1) YOU ARE PAINFULLY BORING - I know I may have a bit of a large personality, and this may come as a shock to new people, but never did I anticipate that I had more personality than everyone on the internet combined. THE VAST MAJORITY of my internet dates have been completely incapable of holding a conversation with me, which unfortunately requires intelligence and a quick wit. Most of them find themselves staring in awe as I simply talk the night away because they won't fucking say anything. Thinking the date went badly, I go home, then immediately get texts from these characters who think I'm hilarious and amazing. Sorry buddy, you were about as interesting as a couch cushion, which would probably also find me hilarious and amazing because they can't speak or move.

The worst part is all of these idiots have hilarious profiles. I read them and think "Oh, this guy's funny! We'll get along great!" Apparently their humor is only available in print, or they paid someone else to write their profile. And it's not like I don't give them a chance. I get tired of talking. My food is getting cold. I ask you questions about your life. THIS IS YOUR TIME TO SHINE, ASSHAT. No, one sentence answers is what I get. Finally I just get fed up and fill the silence with whatever bullshit comes out of my mouth, because at that point I couldn't care less what this boring ass motherfucker thinks about me.

2) YOU ARE DESPERATELY UNATTRACTIVE - I just want to clear something up. The internet is not a free-for-all. Just because someone is on the internet, doesn't mean that he or she is interested in EVERYONE on the internet. Nor does it mean we're desperate and have completely lost all ability to differentiate between "our level" of attraction, intelligence, and age. DAILY I would get "winks" from 45-year-old men when I was 26. NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. My profile says what age range, and at that time I think I cut it off at 33. I DON'T GIVE A 12-YEAR WINDOW BUDDY, or should I say DAD. You creepy old fucker, wanting to date girls in their 20s.

I mentioned I only went on about 6 dates in the past 3 years in 3 cities. That's because 99.9% of the people who messaged me were the ugliest, stupidest pieces of shit I've ever seen. No, I don't want to date your 300lb ass, I don't care if we have 800 things in common. And if you have a picture of yourself with no shirt on taken in the mirror, WE ARE NOT COMPATIBLE. Same goes with "hi how r u." Does anyone notice that a) that's a QUESTION and b) it's SERIOUSLY LACKING in punctuation and spelling, and it's ONLY FOUR WORDS. Every one of those emails got deleted.

No, I don't like the pose of you on a tractor. No, I don't want to long-distance date you in Minneapolis. No, I don't enjoy NASCAR. No, you shouldn't use the same creepy school-like posed photo of you on Match that you use on your Russian bride search site. No, I don't want to date someone who has 3 different baby mommas and has never been married.

3) YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO DATE - Unlike the boring guy who planned very nice dates, which included lunch at a farmer's market as our first meetup, then OCEAN KAYAKING as our second (which was the ONLY reason I went - I used him for kayaking even though I had no intention of ever talking to him again), a couple of the others were completely clueless. One guy told me to meet him at his house and we'd walk to close bars there, only to NEVER LEAVE his apartment, watch a Family Guy on his computer because he didn't OWN A TV, and constantly suffer interruptions from his two large dogs who couldn't behave themselves if they were asleep.

Why I came back, I'm not sure. I think I was bored. But in the 4 times we hung out, only ONCE did we leave his apartment, to go to a bar for ONE DRINK before it closed, at which point he got semi-belligerent and I thought he was going to get in a fight with someone. All I wanted was to go OUT TO EAT. Just a fucking BURGER even. But no, he wanted to save money so he goes and buys steaks at Trader Joes and cooks them on his stove in a skillet. Which we ate while watching something saved on his computer, still suffering constant interruptions from his dogs. Often times I felt like I wasn't even THERE, the dogs required so much discipline and attention. I could've walked out and he'd have never noticed.

In fact, the first time I went there, the reason we never made it out to the bar was because one of his stupid ass dogs pissed the carpet because he was so excited a new person was there. This resulted in Dr. CleanFreak spending OVER AN HOUR cleaning the carpet, washing the pee-towel, doing some laundry that he was wearing at the time, and then spending an inordinately long time telling the dog that what he did was bad, as if he'd even be able to connect his behavior an hour before to the lecture he was now receiving.

A couple of months ago this guy reached out to me about hanging out. We had sort of mutually stopped texting each other months prior. I had to spell it out for him. When I said "I didn't feel a connection" I meant "I DON'T WANT TO HANG OUT WITH YOU, BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO DATE YOU." His response was "I wasn't ready for a connection." NO ASSHAT, THAT'S NOT WHY. You're not putting out some magical vibe now that will interest me. I didn't like you then and I don't like you now.

**This post is subject to the understanding that many relationships HAVE formed via the internet, and for others I don't necessarily knock it as a way of meeting a mate. Especially for people looking for specific things, like Jewish singles or Christian singles, it seems to have worked well for those friends. But regular old dating for a person like me? Nope. Internet, you lose.


  1. Oh I didn't know the story about the dogs and crazy pee; what insanity. I must admit that I need you to keep online dating because this is SO ENTERTAINING.

  2. Dear lord, every online date has been so horrible that if I ever accept another one, hit me in the throat. I'm sure I can make good stories out of regular dating :) Although I'm hopeful that I won't have tooooooooo many more stories to post.


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