Monday, July 11, 2011


**Ok, THIS is why I don't internet date anymore. I can't even believe this person exists. Thanks to my guest blogger for taking one for the team for this story!**

I had just joined the Internet dating world 3 months prior when I pimped myself out on a free dating site. Why would I want to pay money for something I could do for free? I should've been tipped off when the site had "Do you own a car?" as one of their standard questions. As well as "Do you use drugs?" The number of contacts I received from men with unmentionable advances significantly outnumbered the few decent once in my inbox. I was somewhat creeped out by this so I joined the site that states that they've had more marriages than any other dating site. I figured that if I had to pay for this, surely it has to have a better crop of men to choose from. Right?!

My first actual date from this site was Bachelor #1. Bachelor #1 was a couple of years younger than me, an investment banker, and seemed to have goals. We chatted back and forth for a couple of days. After the 3rd or 4th day he asked if I wanted to go out. I stalled. He then asked would it hurt to meet for a drink? I was hesitant to date someone younger but I quickly decided that maybe I wouldn't find my soul mate if I didn't explore this opportunity. I agreed to meet him. He wanted to go NOW. Stupid me, I called up my mom and asked her if she could watch my kiddo so I could go on a date with random Mr. Sweatpants from the Internet. Mom said yes. (Thanks Mom.)

I drive to meet my dating game contestant at a local bar. I go inside, look around, and am greeted by a guy who stands up from the table in SWEATPANTS. Who wears sweatpants on a first date?! Did I end up on MadTV's Lowered Expectations? Should I have worn Pajama Jeans? Clearly I was overdressed by wearing regular jeans. Remind you, I'd only been back in the dating world for 3 months so I decided to roll with it and sat down.

I ordered my beer and proceeded to listen to this guy talk on and on about himself. He was an investment banker, had the blue Audi parked right out front, was part landlord to the bar, just got the blue Audi parked out front, had originally gone to theology school but changed to business, and, oh, did I see the blue Audi out front?! As soon as I was about to say that I could give a rat's ass about that blue Audi Mr. Sweatpants informed me he was only buying me my first drink. Uh, okay. Awkward. I was planning to pay for myself anyway.

We start to talk about experiences with dating people from the site. I asked how many dates he'd been on. "Oh, probably at least a hundred." Looking back, I don't know why I didn't run then.

Less than an hour into this date, I am bluntly informed that Mr. Sweatpants does not believe in having sex until at least six or seven months into the relationship. How the conversation got to this point I don't know. I had just started another beer at this moment and decide not to come up for air. He took that as a sign to continue and rambled on. Apparently sex before six or seven months is too much of an emotional thing for him. He also didn't want to have an unplanned pregnancy. BUT, and he continues to talk while I continue to drink, "the Bible says we can pleasure our partners so how do you feel about oral?" As if it is going to seal the deal he rambles "by the way I like to give." WTF?!!

The moments after that are a bit blurry not because of my beer but because I was mentally scarred by what had just happened. I mumbled something about the time of the month, said I needed to go get my kid, please don't contact me, and paid my bill. I called my friends and listened to them laugh hysterically about what just happened to me. Maybe the sweatpants were "easy access" for something casual and worn for a reason. Barf.

1 comment:

  1. This is awesome, I'm so glad you were able to dig it out of your scarred memory to share it! Last night I went out with a guy who was bragging about how he might buy his apartment but "I might not because I just got a car last week." Oh, really? What kind? "An Outback. It's amazing."


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