Monday, July 8, 2013


Starring: the citizens of Hong Kong!  Each one of these things I have actually seen IN REAL LIFE.

1) Stare at your phone without looking up even for a second, either to read or WATCH MOVIES, despite the fact that the one I saw was, in fact, the Hangover.

2) Actively play a GAME on your phone, once again, without so much as glancing forwards every now and then.

3) READ A BOOK.  This one seems obvious, but apparently I have to tell you.  READING + WALKING = NO. 

4) STOP.  Do not EVER stop spontaneously while walking.  Do you not see that you're in a sea of people?  Do you not realize that the person behind you has about 4 inches before they run smack into you with the force of 30 more people behind them?  You wouldn't stop your car abruptly in the middle of the highway, so DON'T STOP WALKING ABRUPTLY WITHOUT GETTING OUT OF THE WAY.

5) Go at any speed slower than those around you.  Once again, with the highway analogy - everyone wants to kill that guy on the 10 that's going 45, and they angrily speed by you and cut you off.  SPEED THE FUCK UP OR GET OUT THE WAY

6) Be a child.

7) Have a child.

8) Insist on walking side by side with five of your friends, giggling stupidly and walking slower than everyone, creating an angry flow that will burst through your little friendship chain at any moment.

9) Wavering slowly from side to side on the sidewalk while I try to pass you, each time getting stopped by the tiny 3-inch margin you leave between you and the wall/street/other human.

10) Eat anything with chopsticks.  I'm sorry, no matter how good you are with chopsticks, you have to actually look at your food to pick it up, slowing down traffic.  Some things are edible on the run - anything that doesn't require utensils.  And I'll give you the occasional frozen yogurt because you can pretty much wing that and come up with something on your spoon.

And sort of falling under #6, if you are a child, do not do stupid shit while walking.  Don't poke your mom, don't kick your brother, and for god's sake, don't run at full speed towards a blind corner where I happen to  be coming from another direction and run SMACK INTO ME.  And I don't know what your mom screamed at you since I don't speak Cantonese, but suffice it to say she was about as angry as I was and unlike me, you have to go home with her.  Get your shit together, son.

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