Monday, November 18, 2013


Some people might call me weird.  I like to say "well-rounded" or "eclectic", but we all have our idiosyncrasies.  While I don't technically have multiple personality disorder, I do feel like I have multiple people that come out on specific occasions.  After a little introspection, I've come to the conclusion that my personality is made up of the following:

1) The 65-year-old black man - He loves his Motown.  This guy is likely seen driving around town grooving to the oldies in his car.  He probably wears a hat most of the time, an old guy hat - like a plaid newsboy cap or whatever the fuck old dudes wear.  He may very well embarrass his children with his wardrobe and attempts to get them to dance to the Temptations with him when they visit home.  He doesn't give a fuck, he's just having a good time.  He enjoys a good, long sit on the porch on a sunny day and probably whistles his groovin' tunes while he does it.  And he never takes off the goddamn hat.

2) The crotchety old woman - This old bitch lives alone and hates everyone.  She's probably yelled at you to get off her lawn more than once and is frequently cursing under her breath about the "damn kids" in the neighborhood.  She doesn't want to talk to you and gets pissed off when strangers try to start a conversation.  She gets immense pleasure calling the police on the "damn kids" when they barely screw up because she hates them so goddamned much.  When there aren't any kids to curse at, she can often be found on her couch with her cats, watching Law and Order marathons and actually calling the number on the ad for the Rascal scooter but decides every time that it's too expensive.  The only thing she eats is grilled cheese.

3) The flamboyant interior designer/antiquer - This guy gets WAY too impressed when you have a piece of designer furniture or something rare and vintage.  If you invite him over to your home for dinner and you happen to share his design style, he'll be so overwhelmed by your décor that he likely can't hold a conversation without telling you the history of the architect or furniture designer.  You can really impress him by having original mid-century pieces, like an Eames chair or case study bed.  He watches Mad Men especially for the furniture and fashion.  If you don't know or care about architecture and design, you want to fucking kill this guy every minute of your life.

4) The frat boy - This guy does things specifically because they're stupid.  If he can make someone laugh with his dumb antics, he has succeeded in life.  He knows all the lines to Family Guy and hates it when people talk about actual important topics like politics or current events.  No time for that!  Time to party!  Time to have fun!  Why so serious?  He wants to be the fun guy, the one everyone wants to hang out with, the one people say "Wicked awesome party, bra" to.  When he enters the real world and gets a job, he feels completely out of place in a professional environment and has to put on a fake persona to get by.  The second he's out of work, the tie comes off and the Tupac comes on, rapping his way back to his tiny studio in a really awesome part of town that keeps him close to the "action".  He has an irrepressible urge to say "your mom does x" after someone makes almost any statement.

5) The Mean Girl - Yes, as in "the Plastics".  This girl is attractive and knows it.  She is also a walking pile of judgments - every person she sees gets sized up, whether it be a 3-year-old or someone her own age.  Common thoughts that pass through her mind are "Eww, buy some jeans that fit, muffin top", "You REALLY need some makeup, like NOW", and "Your face makes me want to gouge out my own eyeballs."  Her favorite pastime is group judging with her friends when they go to public places or watch TV together.  She has no qualms about the fact that her looks get her things, and secretly enjoys the attention she gets when she wears "going out" clothes.  She also only has attractive friends - hot chicks in a group can get ANYTHING.

6) The guy who lives with his mom - He's in his 30s, and he lives in his parents' basement.  He doesn't leave the house often and finds "eating lunch" or "going to the mailbox" as things that likely warrant a nap.  People freak him out.  Every time he goes somewhere he has to interact with someone, so it's just easier to stay in bed watching Netflix in his comfy PJs than try to function around other people.  His laundry piles up until he has to do three loads at once.  He's so lazy that instead of going out and getting food he'll make a meal out of random things like a sweet potato, half a quesadilla and some unidentified leftovers in the back of the fridge.  He is likely over 300lbs and a virgin.

So there's the breakdown.  I'm sure there's more in there, but they don't show themselves that often.  What 31-year-old white chick sings Marvin Gaye in her car while wearing a dinosaur tshirt and cursing everyone in her path?  Probably the same one that, after being robbed and bleeding out of multiple wounds, stops crying for a good ten seconds upon entering the home of the good Samaritan helping out and gasps "You have an EAMES CHAIR?" only to resume crying momentarily.  Yep.  That sounds about right.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.