Sunday, February 1, 2015


Yo, 18-year-old self -

So I heard some shit about this bitch I used to know... no wait, those are Dr. Dre lyrics. Please disregard.  Anyway, I'm here from the future to help you out, and perhaps let you in on a few secrets that might save you some pain, time and money.

First of all, I know you're dying to know - no, you're not married yet; no, you did not get fat; yes, you did finally grow boobs.  Sadly, however, you're also not super rich or famous, nor do hoverboards exist.  I'm sorry to break it to you this way, but it's better to be prepared.

In the last 15 years I've learned a little bit about life, and I thought it would be nice of me to give you some tips seeing as the ride has been a little bumpy.

1) You will not marry your high school boyfriend, no matter how great and awesome he is, even if you are still friends with him and his wife 15 years later (Shit, that reminds me, I need to text her...).  The 1% of people who married their high school sweethearts that don't get divorced are like unicorns, and no amount of magical thinking will make you as a teenager able to make decisions about your future romantic life because you are legitimately a completely different person in 15 years.  So go get those meds, cry it out and keep on truckin' because you don't need to transfer to a school you don't want to go to and get stuck in places you don't want to be for 10 years.

2) You have no idea what you want to do with your life. Trust me, it will change about five times AT LEAST in the course of the next 15 years, so just roll with it.  Get a liberal arts degree.  Yes, I said it, LIBERAL ARTS.  Take lots of courses in lots of shit and learn about yourself.  Figure out what the hell you want, who the hell you are and what you enjoy doing instead of getting an advertising degree that, due to technological advancements, has a shelf life of approximately two years because Facebook did not exist until a few months before you graduated, Twitter wasn't even a mere gleam in the eye of its founder and Instagram was probably a name for an IKEA shelving unit in 2004.

3) Go to law school.  Yeah, you heard me, I'm not telling you not to go.  I'm also not saying you will want to be a lawyer for the rest of your life, or even for part of your life, but right now your shy ass is getting stepped all over and you need to nut up.  Why go to law school?  Two reasons - first, you make amazing friends and have an amazing time and for the first time figure out how to be independent; second, because law school gives you the somewhat over-the-top confidence that can legitimately get you WHATEVER YOU WANT.  Yes, law school will turn you from a shy girl with a smart mouth into a bitch that gets things done.  A whole magical world will open up for you, one where you can skip the line at clubs to being the only person on your "weather delayed" flight to get a free hotel room because you won't take no for an answer.  The ability to terrify someone without cursing, raising your voice or threatening bodily harm is a beautiful tool and it works OH SO WELL.  Take comfort in the fact that you may or may not get three people fired who, for various reasons, definitely deserved it.

4) FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DO NOT TAKE THE WILLIAMSON COUNTY JOB.  If there were three doors, one being a garden of flowers, one being a palace made of ice cream and the last being THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF BLOODTHIRSTY ZOMBIES this job is the ZOMBIE DOOR.  AVOID THE FUCKING ZOMBIE DOOR AT ALL COSTS.

5) You know how you drive a beautifully restored 1966 Mustang that embodies all that is glorious and good in the world?  Yeah, now you drive a Honda Civic.  And you fucking love your Honda Civic.  It fits all your friends, it's reasonably priced, it gets great gas mileage - yes, you will turn into an adult in all ways, including understanding the term "unemployment" and "blogging in bed on a Saturday night."  Shit gets real, man, but if you're prepared, you can handle it.

6) Those people you're about to meet when you go off to USC and go through rush?  You're going to see them all in two weeks at a wedding for one of your best friends.  Yes, 15 years later.  And listen to Meredith - she seems too cool for you, and she is, but she is the secret to learning how to have fun in college.  So when she wants you to play drinking games like "Kings Cup," beer pong, and "chug this because I told you so" JUST FUCKING DO IT.

7) In 2003 you will get to see Robin Williams do standup live.  Don't ever underestimate the awesomeness of that moment.

8) Remember when I told you that you have no idea what you want to do?  I was wrong.  You were right.  You've known since you were eight.  You know it right this second.  You wrote it in your senior bio in the Hyline yearbook - you're going to go to LA and you're going to write comedy.  What would happen if you actually followed that dream RIGHT NOW?  Or maybe you really need the journey to get there.  I don't know, but I'm telling you now, 15 years later, that you were right. 

I remember what it was like to be you, and no offense, I'm SO MUCH BETTER NOW.  I mean, you could eat an entire pizza and not gain a pound, practically kick your own face (note: take up yoga before you lose your flexibility, asshole) and get through all of college without knowing how to study (pro tip - learn the summer before law school because, well, everyone else already knows how and that's kinda important there), but now you have confidence, a way better sense of how to properly dress yourself and a cute, functioning nose. 

Oh, and you maaaaay need medication for the crazies but don't you go worrying about that just yet.

- You, from the future.

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