Monday, June 8, 2015


I seriously cannot fucking take it anymore.  I'm friends with some very educated people on Facebook and in real life, and even though they can speak three languages and build robots, THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND ENGLISH GRAMMAR.  You know, that language you were RAISED SPEAKING??  I see the same damn mistakes all the time, and I honestly want to know why I was the ONLY ONE listening in class that day, because some of you fuckers were IN CLASS WITH ME.

Here are the most common offenses - once you're done reading this your life will be changed forever because you'll magically know how to speak.

1. POSTING PHOTOS.  "Mom and I at the beach"

NO NO NO NO.  I know that whatever grade we were in when we learned to say "and I" made it seem like it's ALWAYS "and I," but NEWSFLASH: IT'S NOT.  In fact, the MAJORITY of the time it's not.  Sometimes "and me" is correct.  I know, it hurts to say that, BUT IT'S TRUE.

CORRECT ANSWER:  "Mom and ME at the beach."  How did I come to that conclusion?  Easy.  What would it be if you were at the beach alone?  "Me at the beach."  What about your mom alone?  "Mom at the beach."  It would never be "I at the beach," so why is it suddenly "Mom and I at the beach?"  You're making this too hard. 

Always ask yourself: What if I was a lonely loser (which you will be if you keep up that goddamned grammar)?  What if it was JUST ME in this picture?  Keyword: ME

Other wrong photo titles: "John and I with a celebrity"  "My sister and I at Christmas"  Or perhaps you're posting something that you share ownership of - I see this one a lot too:  "Brad and I's new dog!"

NO.  Stop. Think.  SEPARATE.  "Brad's new dog."  "My new dog."  "BRAD'S AND MY NEW DOG." IT IS NOT THAT FUCKING HARD, ASSHATS.

2. APOSTROPHE ABUSE.  "Skirt's for $10!"

When I say "dog's," what do you think of?  If you think of MANY DOGS, please go hit yourself in the face with a metal pan.  You should think, "the dog's WHAT? What belongs to the dog?" because that, my friends, is what apostrophes are for.  Not "that's what apostrophe's are for," you stupid fucks.

Pretend we're in a war and our ammunition is made out of apostrophes. Now RATION THAT SHIT and think "WHOA, hold up now, do I REALLY need to use a valuable apostrophe in this situation?"  The answer is almost always NO.

But Grammar Goddess, WHEN DO I get to use apostrophes??

I'm glad you asked.  Does something in the sentence BELONG TO ANYONE mentioned in the sentence?  Does your mom have tomatoes?  Then they are "your mom's tomatoes."  Does anything belong TO THE TOMATOES?  NO, because tomatoes are inanimate objects, you jackass.  Therefore, your mom gets an apostrophe and the tomatoes do NOT.

RIGHT:  "My aunt's house"   WRONG: "All of my aunt's will be there"
RIGHT: ****I'm looking at YOU, Chipotle on Figueroa and Jefferson**** "Choose your greens!"  WRONG:  "Choose your green's!"

Also, on a side note, when engraving gifts for a wedding, REMEMBER THE APOSTROPHE RULE.  Jim and Jane are "The Smiths," not "The Smith's."  Jim and Jane live in "The Smiths' House," NOT "The Smith's House."  The latter implies that they're already living separately, do you really want to do that to a marriage before it's begun?!?!

3.  LESS AND FEWER  "15 items or less!"

There is one beautiful store that has a "15 items or FEWER" sign and I can't remember off the top of my head, but I wanted to write the management a beautiful thank you card for FINALLY getting it right.  This one is trickier, so here is a correct usage of BOTH:

"There is LESS coffee in my cup than there was an hour ago."
"There are FEWER cookies than there were an hour ago."

Here's the trick: CAN YOU COUNT IT?  In the first one, can you count coffee?  Not CUPS of coffee, but just COFFEE?  Would you say "there are three coffees in my cup?"  Nope.  You cannot count coffee itself.  If you CANNOT COUNT IT, the proper word is LESS.  Less sugar.  Less pink.  Less painful.

Can you count cookies?  YES YOU CAN.  Would you say "I have three cookies?"  YES YOU WOULD.  If you CAN COUNT IT, it's FEWER.  Fewer cats.  Fewer clowns.  Fewer items.

DO YOU GET IT NOW?  There cannot be "two less" - it's "two fewer."  There cannot be "a little bit fewer" - it's "a little bit less."

Now go, use this new education to brighten the world, teach your kids the right way to speak and write, and for god's sake always use it around me at least.

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