Monday, July 13, 2015


It's not the food.  Healthy food can be (and in the case of my meal plan, IS) good.

It's not feeling hungry all the time.  I got over that in about two days, and honestly I'm perfectly satisfied with the amount of food I'm eating now.

It's not that I'm craving cookies.  Ok, I WAS craving cookies, and I may or may not have eaten a couple (TWO but it was TWO DIFFERENT DAYS.  ONE COOKIE EACH), but that craving has finally subsided as well.

It's not that I can't have fun at parties.  I had a lovely time at a party on Friday, and I didn't stuff myself with food as I usually do when I drink booze (with diet Coke).  People who know me know I don't even like booze that much so it's a great excuse NOT to drink.


Before I started this diet/exercise plan, I didn't care for cooking.  I found it a mere annoyance, but also realized sometimes it could be fun.  I don't put baking in the same category as cooking - I used to love to bake and not particularly care to cook.  Now I have an active (and growing) hatred of cooking.  Why?

1. I have to cook EVERY DAY.  The way the meal plan is structured, I always seem to be preparing something, whether it be multiple servings of lunch that I'll take to work or a dinner I'm going to eat right away.  Even though I get 2-4 portions out of each cooking batch, IT SEEMS LIKE I AM NEVER NOT COOKING.  JUST ONCE I'd like to heat something up in the goddamned microwave and sit on my couch and be eating within 2 minutes.

2. If I have to chop another fucking onion I'm going to throw myself in front of a bus.  Every goddamned meal takes onions, AND I LIKE THEM but SWEET JESUS half my day is spent chopping them.  Or bell peppers.  Or bok choy.  OR EVEN FRUIT.  I'm developing carpal tunnel in my cutting hand.  There's a reason I pay more for the pre-chopped broccoli and cauliflower - I just wish there was a pre-cut option for every goddamned fruit, vegetable, animal, meat substitute, or whatever else I have to eat.  I will pay top dollar for you to come over and fucking cut all my produce for me.

3. IT'S TOO HOT.  Maybe it's just me, but having the stove and the rice cooker and the crock pot and a curling iron and a mechanical cow and a flame thrower all on at once makes me sweat like a dirty old man.  I have my AC on and it's 70 outside because my apartment has taken on the ambient temperature of whatever the fuck is on my stove.

When my meal plan says something like "Snack: apple and cashews" I get so fucking excited because there's no prep involved.  I've never been excited about a goddamned apple before.  Bake chicken? Fuck no, that shit's going in the crock pot, where I can leave it and go do something.  That and I've never baked a piece of meat that didn't turn out too dry, undercooked or shitty in some other way.

Here's a list of things I like better than cooking:

studying civil procedure
cleaning the litter box
driving on the 405
going to the dentist
cleaning my apartment
waking up to go to work
not being able to eat cookies
looking for parking in West Hollywood
sitting next to a hobo on the train
having a hangnail
doing laundry

However, cooking still tops:

anything to do with needles
being around children
the existence of Justin Bieber
Country music
90% of the drivers in LA county
people with ironic handlebar moustaches

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