Brought to you in part by this lovely article.
1. "Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours."
Oh, whoopsie. I suppose you're right, I should really shut up about the fact that I'm pretty sure I broke my ankle on the way into the living room while my important man tells me about the NFL draft. No honey, keep talking, I always get pale and lightheaded when I'm interested. Let me know when you're done, so that maybe after I serve you this delicious home-cooked meal you might have enough energy after your big, manly day at work to take me to the ER while I slowly lose consciousness from pain. If not, no worries, I'm pretty sure all 50s housewives spent many a night sobbing on the living room floor.
2. "Only floozies ask guys out."
If I had a dollar for every time a guy called me a floozie... Happens all the time, really.
"Hey, do you want to get a drink?"
"No, you ridiculous floozie!"
"I was wondering if maybe you'd go to prom with me?"
"I was wondering when you'd stop being a FUCKING FLOOZY JESUS CHRIST."
And all this time I was thinking it was social anxiety and fear of rejection. What a silly floozie I was!!
3. "Don't sit in awkward positions - and never look bored. Be alert, and if you must chew gum (not advised) do so silently and with your mouth closed."
You mean like this? Or this?
So this isn't okay? Or this? I don't look bored, do I?
Soooo...no on this too?
4. "The man always does the ordering. Never ask the waiter yourself for anything."
"I will have the T-bone, medium rare, and my date will have the small house salad."
"Um, excuse me, could I get a chicken sandwich instead?"
"WHO THE FUCK SAID YOU COULD TALK TO THE WAITER? ARE YOU HITTING ON HIM? EAT YOUR DRY LEAVES, BITCH."
*me, picking at croutons and slowly losing blood sugar as I pass out and fall out of my chair, a single tear drips down my cheek*
4. "Compliment him on his physical prowess, his mental acumen, his good looks, his virility. The worst mistake a girl can make is to make a man feel intellectually inferior or inadequate as a male."
Is there a sidenote on how to deal with men who don't understand what "acumen" is? Do I REALLY have to tolerate improper uses of "your" and "you're" for the entirety of my marriage? That's kind of a dealbreaker. What if he tells me Poland is a city in France? Or a koala is a bear (THEY'RE NOT GODDAMN IT)? Or "it's okay, murder is legal here"? I JUST LOOK THE OTHER WAY TO AVOID INSULTING HIS INTELLIGENCE? How about "you're perfectly adequate as a male specimen, but you're just stupid as fuck"?
5. "it is up to you to earn the proposal, by raising a dignified campaign designated to show him that matrimony is the keystone of a happy life."
A marriage campaign? How does one do this? Yard signs? Bumper stickers? Internet memes? I personally would be prone to scholarly research and a well-written paper on the pros of marriage, but is this an acceptable format? Would he prefer it in a simple grade school poster flow-chart?
Can I appoint delegates? Do I get a committee? I NEED INSTRUCTIONS DAMMIT! Otherwise I'll just be posting "ME FOR WIFE 2016" flyers around the house, which I'm not sure would be entirely effective.