YOU'RE SINGLE BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU'RE HOT SHIT

This is a tale for the ages. Possibly one of my favorite stories of all time, and I finally get to share it with the world (not that I didn't verbally share it with everyone I knew, didn't know, and their moms at the time).

Law school was an interesting time. Some of my best friendships were made there, and also some of my best memories. Incidentally, some of the most hilarious parts of my life also occurred during this three-year period. This is one of those times.

I had been in law school for about a year and a half when a friend from out-of-town came to visit me in my new apartment in Dallas. We enjoyed some shopping, some eating, and then, at night, we joined my law school friends for some partying. Said friend was, at the time, very single, and enjoyed mingling with young men, if you catch my drift. I fully anticipated she would find a hot guy somewhere at our law school happy hour and enjoy herself to the fullest.

At happy hour, she and I are hanging out with some of my friends, when a somewhat infamous male classmate took a liking to her. This guy, to put it bluntly, thought he was hot shit. He thought every girl in town wanted him, and that he was doing them a favor to speak to, make out, or have sex with them. Ironically, he was only minorly attractive and rather short, so he made up for it by going to the gym and reminding everyone that he went to an Ivy League school for undergrad. He had basically become the school joke.

Not that I have unattractive friends, but this particular friend is rather striking, due equally to her body, personality, and general overall prettiness. The fact that she wasn't a regular struck even more interest, and within minutes the unsuspecting victim (my friend) had been lured over to sit with Mr. Awesome and his friends, who continued to ply her with free alcohol throughout the evening. Being a smart girl, she is not one to pass up free drinks, so my friends and I thought she was simply using him for booze and would eventually return to our circle.

At the end of the night, this still hadn't happened. I go up to her and ask her her plans, and she told me that she, Mr. Awesome, and 3 of his friends were going to hang out at his apartment for a while and invited me along. I joined, partly because I had a crush on one of the other guys, and partly to be the getaway ride when my friend wanted to peace.

The apartment party was rather uneventful, except for my friend violently vomiting and passing out in Mr. Awesome's bed while the boys and I hung out in the living room. When I decided to go, she was down for the count, and he promised me he'd drive her back to my apartment in the morning since she most likely would not make it to my car. Only because I knew him and where he lived did I agree to this.

At 10am the next day, I get a phone call saying "I'm outside your apartment, come open the gate." Then THIS is what I'm told upon her entry into my place:

Apparently she puked for an hour or so before passing out in his bed, and stayed asleep til approximately 8am. While she was deathly hungover and had puke/sleep breath, he still was interested enough that morning to prod her for some "intimate relations." She halfheartedly obliged, if only because she felt guilty for puking all over his bathroom. She was, however, shocked at how actually horrifying sex with this person could possibly be.

First of all, she told me, he had the smallest penis she had EVER encountered. She emphasized EVER, knowing that I was aware this was not the first one she'd ever seen. She honestly could not tell if there was actual sex going on. While this sounds bad, this is only the tip (HA PUN) of the iceberg - what really creeped her out was his sex talk, which consisted of:

Looking at his own biceps while he held himself up and asking her, NOT JOKINGLY, "Can you tell I work out?"

Followed by the even more creepy "How does it feel to be fucked...BY ME?" Grammatical structure aside, he obviously was more ridiculous than we had ever anticipated was possible. When I heard this I DIED laughing, as did she, and when I asked how she got the hell out of there, she told me that to avoid laughing in his face, she pretended she had to go puke and hastily ran to the bathroom and locked herself inside for a good 20 minutes.

When I heard the story, I BEGGED her to let me tell my law school friends that she had met, not so much for her benefit but for the fact that they would LOVE to hear a story that made the reality of this guy's douchbaggery so tangible. She agreed, and ever since has been a hero of my law school friends for "taking one for the team" simply so this story could be told.

For the rest of law school, I would walk up to certain friends and just whisper "Can you tell I work out?" and they'd bust out into a hail of laughter. In fact, they still do to this day.

And that, my friends, is why this gentleman should be still single (actual status unknown).