YOU'RE SINGLE BECAUSE YOU'RE THE EMBODIMENT OF EVERYTHING GUYS HATE

Ok, that may sound harsh...it IS harsh, but it's sadly true.

In college there was a point where I lived with three other girls (luckily I spend most of the time at my boyfriend's place for my own personal sanity). At the time, I had a long-term boyfriend, another of the roommates had an equally long-term boyfriend, and the third had no problem finding dates and dated a couple of guys during our year of residence. The fourth roommate, whom we'll call Amy, was painfully single. Painfully, dramatically, and tearfully single.

When I say she was the epitome of everything guys hate, I really have no other way of explaining it. Not only was she the type of person who practically oozed desperation, but if she ever had any success in landing one date, she would scare the guy off with her clingyness, drama, random tears, and inability to stop talking.

1) STAGE 5 CLINGER I say this as a victim of the clinging. She'd cling to ANYONE, girls, guys, children, small animals. Amy was incapable of being alone. Once she had a drink, it was over. She was the girl you didn't want to bring to a bar because if you happened to hit it off with a guy, she'd cling to his friend and they'd both bolt to save the friend from her. She was, in fact, the anti-wingwoman. Now imagine this after an unsuspecting guy took her on a date - I watched her text and call and text and call over and over and over simply because she didn't get a response within 5 minutes. Then she'd start crying "Why don't boys liiiike me?" to which I couldn't give her the real answer, because that would be counterproductive.

2) TEARY MCCRY This poor girl had no self esteem. None. She'd cry at the drop of a hat - when something didn't go her way, when she was frustrated, when she had her daily "why don't boys like me" cry, when she got drunk. She was always the one that would show up with a friend at the door who had to take her home because she'd get wasted and start crying at a bar, presumably because she got rejected or because no guys paid attention to her. If there's one thing that says "come date me, I'd be a great girlfriend," it's someone who cries at a bar every time she has more than 3 drinks.

3) JUST SHUUUUUT UP Amy could not stop talking. She had no concept of how to be in a room with a living being and not have a conversation. There were no moments of silence in our apartment, because she would fill them with her mindless chatter. The best part was that she didn't even listen to anyone else, she'd interrupt and tell her own story that took an hour, following you from room to room in the house and would even keep talking when went into the bathroom and closed the door. I was bombarded with unnecessary talk at all times: "How was school?" "How was your nap?" "How was your shower?" "How were the last 20 minutes I was in the restroom and therefore not directly en communique with you?" Now just imagine being her boyfriend. It makes me cringe to even think about it.

4) DRAMA QUEEN Everything was a big deal. If I moved her laundry basket from in front of the washer to on top of the washer, it was a conversation. A LONG conversation. If one of her friends didn't call her the minute they said they would, she'd get angry and be "in a fight" with them for days. If she missed the bus and was 3 minutes late to class, her whole day was ruined and thus she would ruin the day of everyone with whom she came in contact. I don't even want to know what happened when someone got her order wrong - it could've been a tearful situation, a bitchy situation, or worse - BOTH.

The worst part about all of this is she wasn't an unattractive girl. She was kind of short and thick, think Snooki-sized (I can't believe that is now a unit of measurement), but definitely dressed well for her size and shape. Her face was cute, and her hair was always taken care of. Not someone you'd look at on the street and think she'd never get a date in her life.

Boys can smell desperation like a fat guy can smell a pizza, and no one wants to date someone who has no self-esteem. Guys don't like criers. Shit, I don't like criers. Guys don't like drama, and guys don't like girls who won't shut the fuck up. Sadly she really was the embodiment of EVERYTHING guys hate in a normal-looking, well-manicured package.

How she became the person who would profess her love to a guy on the first date and cry when he didn't reciprocate, I don't know. Look, we know you want a date. No one needs to know just HOW MUCH you want a date, especially the person you want to date. And once you get a date, hold off on the crazy for a bit. Don't let it all out at once. It's also probably not in your best interest to call someone more than once a day, especially if they aren't calling you back. And don't leave crying messages. Ever.