YOU'RE SINGLE BECAUSE YOUR GOALS ARE TOO LOFTY

*Corrected the title because of a horrifying grammatical mistake. I, the grammar Nazi, am painfully embarrassed, but it was late dammit.


We've all heard of the chubby computer geek ending up with the supermodel, but the reason we hear about it is because it happens practically NEVER, so the general public finds such obvious freak shows endlessly entertaining.

I have good news and bad news. The good news - there really is someone for everyone. The bad news - they're probably just as ugly and stupid as you are. Sure, opposites attract, but opposites like an attractive hippie girl and a cute conservative business man, not a fat pizza delivery boy and a hot female CEO.

There have been times when some of my less attractive Facebook friends, both male and female, will get married, and I'll ask my friend "How am I not married if SO AND SO can land a spouse??" Her reply is always the same - "Go look at their wedding pictures. He's painfully ugly." I look, and she's right. These unattractive friends have found equally unattractive mates, and they're perfectly happy with them. When I realize that I wouldn't even give the time of day to their husbands were they to have asked me out on a date, relief sets in.

When you're in the sanctuary that is college or graduate school, especially if you're in a sorority or fraternity, you think you're just average looking compared to the people you see on a daily basis. Then you leave college and realize the rest of the world has endured a strong beating with the ugly stick. And often times the obesity stick and the stupid stick. I recommend spending a day in a criminal courtroom if you want an ego boost with regard to both your physical attractiveness and intelligence.

Listen people. Look in the mirror. You should have some idea of how attractive or unattractive you are. You should probably also realize if you have a good or bad personality (hint: if people avoid you at work, school, or anywhere at all, it's probably not a great sign). Now put those things together and figure out your league. If you keep shooting above your limit, you're going to keep failing and failing. Find yourself a nice happy medium, say a chubby girl with a good personality or a really skinny chick who happens to have no boobs and a venereal disease.

I know my league. I'm pretty smart, and I'm pretty attractive. But I am aware that not everyone I date will be GQ material. And despite the fact that I'm 50% hotter than Bradley Cooper's ex-girlfriend, I know that he's probably not interested in an underpaid attorney who drives a Honda Civic and sometimes has to eat Easy Mac for breakfast due to lack of financial resources.

So you, Mr. 30lbs overweight insurance salesman with a GED, need to understand that an attractive female with multiple degrees who keeps herself in good physical shape probably won't be interested in a date, but that doesn't mean that the girl with the muffin top and tattoo of her ex-boyfriend's name on her boob won't go out with you. Sure, you'd rather go home with me. I'd rather have someone make me a fresh omelette every morning on my waterfont patio than eat a piece of toast with Nutella at my desk, but we can't always get what we want.

The sooner you embrace the fact that you have to lower your standards a little bit, the sooner you'll find someone who's right for you. And the sooner that Nutella will start tasting just as delicious as the omelette you can't afford.