YOU'RE SINGLE BECAUSE YOU USE EMOTICONS

Don't freak out too much, ladies, this one is mostly for the guys.

During my year-and-a-half stint in Kansas City, I didn't date much. I wasn't good at it, and I didn't have many friends to introduce me to people. This is the only reason why I even gave this guy my number, which was a terrible mistake.

After too many years of being a member of 24Hour Fitness, they sent me a card in the mail for a free personal training session. I figured, "It's free, why not?" I went in and signed up with a seemingly innocuous personal trainer for the following week.

I come to the gym in a big tshirt, yoga pants, my hair back, and glasses on. I really figured that this was all I needed to do to not be a target of unwanted stares while on the cardio machines or doing any exercise that involved my ass being in the air. Well, Mr. Personal Trainer thought the baggy shirt and glasses combo was sexxxy, and following our session we chatted a bit. I wanted to go home and eat, because I'm always starving after working out, but he wouldn't let up, so I allowed the conversation to continue.

While he was reasonably attractive and in good shape, I found out that he had only been in Kansas City two months and had moved here because of a girl, which apparently hadn't worked out. So he's either here for two months and gets dumped, or creepily follows a girl he's not dating to a new city and gets promptly rejected. Either way, not a good sign.

Due to my intense fear of confrontation, when he asked for my number, I gave it to him thinking I could just not respond and that would be that. That, in fact, was not just that.

That night: "Hi, this is Steve from the gym, just wanted to let you know this is my number :)"
I didn't reply.

The following morning: "Hey, how's your morning? ;)"
FIRST OF ALL, if ANYONE knows ANYTHING about me, I hate mornings with a firey passion that burns deep into my soul. My parents know not to call me, speak to me, or make any communicative attempt before noon. Here's this fella texting me at 9am with a CHEERFUL EMOTICON. It sent me into a spiral of rage. Keep in mind we have still not gone on a date.

One day later: "Hi, how's your day going so far? :)"
No response. Ask me a real question, dumbass. How far could this text conversation go? "Oh, I just put some dudes in jail, how bout yours?" "I trained some folks." aaaaand done. Had he asked a question even REMOTELY relevant to what we had talked about or even did the day before, i.e. "Are you sore today?" since we worked out, I might have given him a chance. Unfortunately this moron lacked the personality to even compose a text message with enough thought to make me want to read it, let alone respond.

For the next few days, probably in total about a week, I get a text a day from this character, to which I send NO RESPONSES. Not one of those text messages had any substance, nor did he ever ask me on any date. AND he used emoticons in EVERY SINGLE TEXT.

Do not use emoticons in your text messages unless you a) have a vagina or b) have a vagina. Seriously. It screams "I'll probably cry after sex." Even if you're female, use emoticons SPARINGLY, and rarely at the beginning of a relationship. There may be different rules in some Asian communities regarding emoticons, but outside of that exception, DO NOT USE THEM.

Also, just a general rule, both guys and girls, if you text TWICE without getting a response, the ball's out of your court. Either wait for the person's grandmother to recover like the trooper you are and they will text you again, or cut your losses and give up. Stalky Stalkerton never landed his or her dream date. Take it from me, I've been that person (but never with emoticons - I'm not THAT bad).