Saturday, January 5, 2013


I love food.  Like I really love it.  I'm constantly thinking of what will be my next meal, or shall I say, what I WANT to be my next meal.  The more ethnic the food, the better.  Ethiopian?  Yes.  Persian?  Yup.  Indian?  Hells to the yes.  If I haven't had a country's food, you know I want to try it, because bland food makes me cry and apparently everyone has more flavorful food than America.

I will eat any animal.  I will eat a vegetarian meal.  I'll eat tofu, raw fish, anything pickled or fried.  I do have my weird things I don't eat - hard boiled eggs, lettuce and other raw greens, fruit mixed with dairy, organs of an animal - but really my list of won't-eats is quite short.  My idea of heaven is an $8 super authentic Indian buffet that makes my nose run from spice.  This is making me hungry right now actually.

Food, while it used to be "nourishment," is now "trendy."  Sure, a few random items added to a hamburger to make it "gourmet" can be delicious, but it damn well better fill me up.  Fancy restaurants used to serve you a delicious steak and sides, but now they give you 100 plates of tiny bites of random shit.  How about a 1 inch scallop seared and drizzled with a teaspoon of some sort of "confit" and stacked a foot tall on greens and other vaguely inedible items so that it looks more like Picasso than food?  That'll be $45.

When I was a kid, and we got appetizers, there were enough for each member of the family to get a decent sized bite.  Now, you order an appetizer and it comes on some giant plate with fucking sparkers but the actual food you get is the proper portion for a baby possum.  Ohhhh I can taste the harmony of the flavors, it's like a fantasy rainbow wonderland in my mouth.  Shut the fuck up.  It's pretty damn good, but it'd be better if there were 6 of them on that plate.

Restaurants have now gone Lady Gaga on us, making things as weird as possible, if not weirder.  Meals used to be "maple glazed salmon with a side of sauteed green beans and mashed sweet potatoes," now they've jumped over the fence to "human thumb covered in fermented bat guano mixed with raspberry puree along with a funnel-cake battered fried lamb eyeball."  Even if that was your thing, they aren't going to give you enough eyeball, guano, or thumb to make you feel even CLOSE to full.  It will be stacked in a 3x3 square taller than your wine glass with a little fucking flag at the top.

"Would you like the rare ahi tuna for your entree?  It comes with two slices of tuna about the size of a bandaid."  NO.  I WANT A WHOLE GODDAMNED PIECE OF TUNA.  And it better come with some sides, not just A TINY POTATO AND A SPRIG OF ROSEMARY.  This is not an art gallery, I came here to EAT my food, not just LOOK at it.  And if I'm paying you $100 for one person, I sure as hell better leave this restaurant feeling like I have adequate nourishment to make it to the next meal.

No, I haven't been to the newest restaurant in town.  No, I haven't heard of it.  No, I won't be going there.  No, it's not just because I can't afford it.  If Thai food happened to be $50 an entree, I'd crave it and love it and get excited about it too, and I'd actually go there for a special occasion, because that's worth my money.

I went to a trendy, nice restaurant a few months back and ordered bouillabaisse.  I figured there was no way they could turn that into a miniscule portion.  I was right - kind of.  It appeared in a decently-sized bowl with a comfortable amount of broth and vegetables...and ONE SHRIMP and ONE MUSSEL.  But it's COOL because we left the head on your shrimp for you.  That cost an extra $12.  Wasn't it worth it?  Oh, the presentation!

I see things on the Food Network and in people's Instagram photos and think, what IS that?  Sometimes the combinations sound and look absolutely repulsive.  But if you eat bone marrow ice cream, you're cooler than everyone else because it's so gourmet.  No, it's just fucking disgusting.  And while you were spending $400 last night on dinner, I got groceries for a month and paid my car payment.  Whatever happened to spending outrageous amounts of money buying shoes, or cars, or professional sports teams?  At least you can use those more than once.

1 comment:

  1. I will ALWAYS prefer food over an expensive handbag or a pair of shoes because the experience of eating a delicious and unique meal in a relaxing setting, with amazing service, good wine, and good conversation, is worth more to me than looking at a $200 pair of shoes in my closet that I only get to wear to weddings or Vegas.

    I think food can be a luxury good/product - just like a handbag or pair of sunglasses - and it gives those who appreciate it the same satisfaction or joy, just in a different package. But then again I'm a huge fatty when it comes to food so you know I won't think twice about getting 10 small plates at a fancy restaurant and then calling them back for dessert. ;)


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