Tuesday, May 5, 2015


Welcome back, all. It's that time of year again - the time when I find out that there has been some unnecessary gala and lots of ugly, expensive shit has been worn and photographed.  This time it was the Met Ball, which I found out today while getting my hair salon is for the Met Museum in New York, and each "ball" has a theme based on an exhibit coming out - this year's theme was "something something China something."
So as I sit here on my couch in a neon pink hoodie, tshirt and clashing pink gym shorts, I'm going to give my opinions on how these rich people chose to present themselves in public this weekend. Ready?  Good.
Anna Wintour. She's like the queen of fashion or something and rules a kingdom where she decides whether or not you're well-dressed.  Well, Anna, I'm going to strip you of your title because of the giant Mexican paper flowers you are wearing as floaties.

Beyoncé. Yes, she's practically nude, no I don't understand it, but yes, it's awesome. Beyoncé could cover herself in strategically placed patches of horse shit and she'd still look amazing, because Beyoncé.

Presenting three of the dolls from the last room of Disney's "It's a Small World." Don't worry, they were returned to the ride shortly after the gala.

Chloe Sevigny.  You're already odd looking, but it's even worse now that it looks like your clothes are slowly slipping off your body and you don't seem to notice or care.

Whoever you are, FLATS, PANTS and a BLACK TUBE TOP? You're at the Met Ball, not McDonald's, get your shit together.

Dear Dakota Johnson - I wore a very similar dress to Las Vegas in 2011. It didn't look great then nor does it look great now. Also, where's the China?

The look on the left was brought to you from the David's Bridal sales rack.

This looks like a project for a fashion student whose only instructions were "You're getting married in 1984 and have only your grandmother's curtains and 37 minutes.  GO!"

JLo.  Generally you can pull off semi-nudity, but side-ass really isn't as becoming as side-boob. That's just too big of a hole for me to consider this a "dress."

I wore this in 2007, except it was for Halloween and called "Sexy Ninja."

Ok, we have Katy Perry.  The dress is just weird enough for the Met Ball, and the matching purse spray can is clutch (PUN INTENDED), but to go so crazy and NOT be on theme?  Not sure about this one. Maybe your invitation was for the wrong year.

I know you're having a difficult time and all, Kris Jenner, but that doesn't mean it's ok to break out your formalwear from 1986 in its entirety.

I hope, for Rhianna's sake, two things: a) that she has something on under this giant robe because she seems to be clutching it as though she doesn't, and b) she has reserved five seats for herself and her large yellow guest.

Who are you?  Why did you make your dress out of kindergarten cutouts of bodies? Why do you have a pink penis? Also please expect a letter of reprimand from the People's Republic of China for the great offense you have caused their people and history.

Um, matadors are Spanish. Your Uber driver got your destination wrong, go join the Cinco De Mayo crowds down the street at a bar.

Oh, Solange. So many things wrong here. The theme was not "Mars Attacks."  Someone forgot to cut a head-hole in your dress.  It actually may be on backward.  Also why are you standing like that?  Can you move your arms?  If so, please use them to take that dress off and set it on fire.

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