Saturday, May 30, 2015


I figured I needed to get back in the swing of things, blogging at least, even though I haven't been "dating" for a while.  I did have a somewhat interesting experience that, for me, lasted 2 dates, but for him lasted 2 months.

Way back in a land before time (March), I had been perusing my "Coffee Meets Bagel" dating app - the only one I have allowed myself to look at for probably a year now because it doesn't make me want to rip out my own eyes and swallow burning oil.  It's based on your Facebook profile and your interests and friends, so often it'll find you a person with whom you have friends in common.  I approve of this.

I had spent the early part of the year binge-watching Korean dramas, so I decided "Hey, I should date a hot Asian dude!" My thought processes when dating are generally even less logical than this, so it could be worse.  I get on my app, browse the matches, and find a couple of decent looking Asian dudes who seem to be witty and able to interact socially.  One of them likes me back, so we begin chatting.

Eventually we exchange numbers and start texting, and then he makes a terrible mistake - he CALLS ME ON THE PHONE.  TO TALK.  The only thing I hate more than talking on the phone is probably being nude in public, and luckily the latter has never happened.  I try to explain my phobia to him and he brushes it off. Not cool, but our conversation wasn't terrible - no awkward silences, so I figured I'd give him another chance.  We decided to meet for drinks the next week not too far from my house.

On date day, I had just paid my credit card, and I kept checking to make sure it went through and I had money.  Luckily that afternoon my balance showed $0 and I had a full credit limit, so I thought I was good to go.  I didn't really expect to pay for anything, since it was a first date and that's pretty much never happened before, so I wasn't super worried.

The date was relatively uneventful, except that we had a couple of beers each and he kept ordering appetizers.  Like six appetizers.  I was both grateful and wary, since I was starving but also not too keen on him running up the bill that much if he planned on splitting the check - we'd talked and he knew I was, at the time, not currently employed and living off my tax refund until a job came through, so it's not like he was ignorant of my situation.  He, on the other hand, was a fully employed attorney at a decent-sized firm.  Either way, I thought I was prepared since I'd so responsibly paid my credit card.

Sure enough, when the bill came, he wanted to split the check, which irritated me.  Then the worst thing ever to happen in public on a date happened - the waitress said my card was declined.  I flipped out and re-checked my balance on my phone - yep, it was COMPLETELY PAID OFF. But the company decided to update their website but NOT TELL MY CARD IT HAD MONEY.  I was so angry I could barely hold it in. 

Not only did I look like a financially irresponsible ass, I now felt I owed it to him to go on a second date to "pay him back" by buying his meal.  No "don't worry about it, I got it" or "it's fine, I should buy the food that I ordered on a hungry whim on a first date anyway." 

The date wasn't bad so I wasn't super upset about seeing him again, but when he texted me about going to brunch and actually MENTIONED (in a joking manner, but still mentioned) that I was supposed to "take him out" I was bummed.  He suggested a place in Brentwood that I'd been before and I knew it was reasonably priced, so I was mollified for a hot second and we agreed to meet on a Saturday. 

I arrived at his apartment and he needed a few more minutes to get ready (WHAT? I'm the girl, weirdo), so he invited me in and I sat at the kitchen table and played on my phone.  Oh, and I had to fight off the advances of a gigantic bulldog puppy that hadn't been trained in any way, shape or form.  Did I mention I was wearing white pants?  I mean, it was spring, and brunch.  I had no idea I'd be wrestling a large dog before we got there.  The damn thing weighed nearly as much as I did, and the second I stopped petting him he'd jump up on me, soiling my beautiful pants and simultaneously shoving me against a wall. 

Despite the commotion, my date didn't come out to rescue me from Overzealous Dog, and looked surprised when he walked out and my pants were covered in weird streaks from his paws and slobber.  "Are you okay?" he said, and when I responded that I was fine, but I wasn't too sure my pants had survived, he dragged the giant animal into his roommate's room and shut the door.  WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST DO THAT WHEN I CAME IN?? WAS ME TRYING TO SHOVE HIM DOWN OFF MY BEAUTIFUL, NOW-DEAD PANTS NOT A SIGN FOR YOU??

Then he drops another bomb - "Oh, I changed where were going, I made reservations at *insert snooty restaurant here*"  So we went from casual brunch to a place that served bone marrow at noon.  One of those places that asks you if you'd like sparkling water or (with a judgmental frown) water from the tap.  I don't often appreciate those places anyway, but especially not with someone I've only met once before.  If you're my boyfriend and you want to take me somewhere fancy, I'm not opposed, but this just looks like you're trying too hard on a second date. Or you're making ME try too hard, since I'm paying.

He tried to order like two "small plates" (i.e. overpriced appetizers with 3 pieces of food on each) in addition to our meal, but I talked him down to one by telling him I wasn't that hungry.  Still, with an appetizer, two meals, my tap water and his solid gold bloody mary, the bill ended up being $70-something before tip.  I nearly shat my pants.  It was fucking BRUNCH for gods sake, I could've had $8 pancakes across the damn street and to tell you the truth, I was craving pancakes.  I fake-smiled and handed the waitress my (working) credit card and thought about that tank of gas I wouldn't be able to afford at the end of the month.

To be honest, I wasn't that into him regardless of the dates - we seemed well-matched at first, but our conversations got forced and it seemed clear to me by the end of the second date that there wasn't a love connection.  Hoping he felt that way too, I left and continued my life.  He, however, was not done with me yet.

Mid-week I got a text from him wanting to hang out again. Luckily I had legit plans that weekend, so I told him I wasn't available.  He tried again the next weekend.  I made something up.  He tried again THE NEXT WEEKEND.  That time I just didn't respond. Yeah I know, I should have told him I didn't want to go out again, but I fear confrontation, even in text format, and I knew I'd never have to see him again (unlike a friend of a friend or something).  This character continued to text me every weekend FOR AN ENTIRE MONTH after I ceased all contact.  And not "Where are you? Why don't you text me back?" - it was literally like "Hey stranger! What's up?"

Now I have to be careful of when I go to the gym because his office is in the same building. And shut up, yes I go to the gym.  I went Thursday.  So ha.

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