Sometimes you just need to rant about shit that's pissing you off. Well, today is one of those days. I hope you're not one of these people because I want to throw large non-lethal objects at their heads right now.
1) I have a 7ish minute drive to school from my house. Everything's fucking peachy until I try to merge onto the 110 from the 101S. I'm honestly not sure how this literally happens EVERY SINGLE DAY and NO ONE has figured this out yet, but all these goddamned morons think "OH SHIT if I don't get all the way over into the left 3 lanes in the next 100 feet I'll be stuck downtown forever!" NOPE. There's a little secret. It's adequately signed and pretty fucking obvious but apparently, based on driver behavior, it's still a fucking little known porthole that goes EXACTLY WHERE THEY WANT TO GO. Here's the secret - IF YOU DON'T MAKE IT TO THE LEFT 3 LANES YOU WILL STILL GET ON THE 110S. The magical lane RIGHT NEXT TO IT, the one you're slowing to a COMPLETE STOP in to get over ONE MORE LANE and wasting my precious time because you don't care to read signs, GOES TO THE EXACT SAME PLACE. We go up a magical little hill, then come down and get RIGHT BACK ON THE 110! I know, it's CRAZY.
First of all, I can assume that the vast majority of the people at any given time are residents of Los Angeles, and also that they have in fact driven on this particular stretch of road before. Second, I'd say a good HALF of them probably do this drive EVERY GODDAMNED DAY to get to work. How stupid are you to drive the same route for days, months, or even YEARS and not figure out that there's a nifty little way to get around all the backup in merging traffic? THERE'S A SIGN. IT HAS AN ARROW. IT POINTS TO THAT LANE AND SAYS 110S. Do you not trust the sign? You trust the sign next to it, why not THIS SIGN? This sign has no reason to lie to you. I'm going to make a new sign. It's going to be bright fucking orange and I'll put it at the start of the shoulder that half of you idiots drive across at the last minute because the other lane will take you STRAIGHT TO HELL apparently. My sign will say "HEY ASSHOLES, THIS LANE ---> WILL ALSO TAKE YOU TO THE 110S. I PROMISE." The arrow is necessary because they are literally that stupid. Actually I should just draw a picture of the whole thing because I'm assuming someone this dumb can read.
2) Undergrads. I can't handle you. Seriously. SHUT UP. Everything you say is of no importance whatsoever. Stop talking like Kim Kardashian. I want to punch you in the neck. I hate being on campus in the middle of the day. I've nearly been killed by a bike at least 7 times because these idiots are actually texting while biking. And you're so LOUD. STOP. There is no possible way I could've been that annoying as an undergrad. Having a boyfriend the whole time helped because I wasn't gossiping about frat guys or randomly yelling for no reason. I'm not saying that the majority of stuff I talk about is important/relevant/or even worth listening to, but I do it at a reasonable volume and without the stupid bitch voice or a "NO WAAAAAAY" thrown in every 3 seconds.
There was a dumb fake blonde hair-extension little bitch in the computer lab today when I was trying to print my paper for class and run halfway across campus because nowhere else has any goddamn printing. There are rows of computers, as you may have guessed seeing that is the typical setup for a computer lab. I was assigned to a computer at the very end of a row. There was one girl sitting at a computer doing what looked like legit work, and then her dumb fake friend was sitting IN THE MIDDLE OF THE AISLE. There was NO ONE ELSE AROUND. All you have to do is MOVE YOUR CHAIR NEXT TO HER. NOPE. She was going to sit in that aisle and take it for all it was worth. I begin walking down the aisle to my computer and, after standing next to her for a second, assuming she'd get out of my way, had to say EXCUSE ME in order for her to acknowledge my existence and moved VERY SLIGHTLY out of the way for me to pass while rolling her eyes. Then she went right back to her spot blocking any and all traffic. I had to go back and forth to the computer twice to get my paper from the printer and sign off, and BOTH TIMES she still had yet to figure out that OH HEY PEOPLE WALK HERE and that maybe because I left my stuff by the computer when I got up that I was likely to walk back. EACH TIME required me to stand there and say excuse me when she CLEARLY saw me coming. HEY. YOU ARE NOT IMPORTANT, COOL, OR EVEN SOMEONE THAT ANY NORMAL PERSON WOULD WANT TO TALK TO. STOP. JUST STOP EXISTING. I CAN'T FUCKING TAKE IT ANYMORE.
I've been doing important shit since before you even existed. What was I doing in 1994? Lots of awesome important 12-year-old things, like listening to Janet Jackson on a cassette tape or making friendship bracelets. What were you doing? OH RIGHT, BEING BORN. Sorry, that doesn't hold a candle to my middle school theater skills that have obviously served me well in this world. And I was KILLING IT on Super Nintendo. I can still kill it on Super Nintendo.
3) In my MBA class, which has people I generally don't hate in it since they at least know what a VHS tape is, I generally sit in the middle of a row with a couple of empty seats on each side of me between whoever's on the ends. It works out great. I like this setup. Don't fuck with this setup. Especially don't fuck with this setup if you're the two guys in class that have RAGING B.O. "Oh hey, we're late to class! Why don't we squeeze in and sit on either side of this girl instead of taking one of the 20 other available seats in the room?" DEAR GOD STOP. I have my nice buffer zone where I can spread out my shit, have my breakfast bar and water and generally be comfortable. GET OUT OF THE BUFFER ZONE. I DO NOT HAVE FORCES TO COMBAT YOUR STENCH, pleeeeeeeeeeease spare me from an hour and a half of the equivalent of sticking my face in a dumpster. I was not spared. I left with very little oxygen because I had been taking shallow breaths to avoid the smell, I COULD HAVE DIED PEOPLE.
I may or may not have some anger issues. Just be glad I take it out via blog and not through violent means. I mostly don't care to go to prison, since if my friends won't even visit me in Silverlake there's NO WAY they'd drive all the way to prison.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Monday, November 18, 2013
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER
Some people might call me weird. I like to say "well-rounded" or "eclectic", but we all have our idiosyncrasies. While I don't technically have multiple personality disorder, I do feel like I have multiple people that come out on specific occasions. After a little introspection, I've come to the conclusion that my personality is made up of the following:
1) The 65-year-old black man - He loves his Motown. This guy is likely seen driving around town grooving to the oldies in his car. He probably wears a hat most of the time, an old guy hat - like a plaid newsboy cap or whatever the fuck old dudes wear. He may very well embarrass his children with his wardrobe and attempts to get them to dance to the Temptations with him when they visit home. He doesn't give a fuck, he's just having a good time. He enjoys a good, long sit on the porch on a sunny day and probably whistles his groovin' tunes while he does it. And he never takes off the goddamn hat.
2) The crotchety old woman - This old bitch lives alone and hates everyone. She's probably yelled at you to get off her lawn more than once and is frequently cursing under her breath about the "damn kids" in the neighborhood. She doesn't want to talk to you and gets pissed off when strangers try to start a conversation. She gets immense pleasure calling the police on the "damn kids" when they barely screw up because she hates them so goddamned much. When there aren't any kids to curse at, she can often be found on her couch with her cats, watching Law and Order marathons and actually calling the number on the ad for the Rascal scooter but decides every time that it's too expensive. The only thing she eats is grilled cheese.
3) The flamboyant interior designer/antiquer - This guy gets WAY too impressed when you have a piece of designer furniture or something rare and vintage. If you invite him over to your home for dinner and you happen to share his design style, he'll be so overwhelmed by your décor that he likely can't hold a conversation without telling you the history of the architect or furniture designer. You can really impress him by having original mid-century pieces, like an Eames chair or case study bed. He watches Mad Men especially for the furniture and fashion. If you don't know or care about architecture and design, you want to fucking kill this guy every minute of your life.
4) The frat boy - This guy does things specifically because they're stupid. If he can make someone laugh with his dumb antics, he has succeeded in life. He knows all the lines to Family Guy and hates it when people talk about actual important topics like politics or current events. No time for that! Time to party! Time to have fun! Why so serious? He wants to be the fun guy, the one everyone wants to hang out with, the one people say "Wicked awesome party, bra" to. When he enters the real world and gets a job, he feels completely out of place in a professional environment and has to put on a fake persona to get by. The second he's out of work, the tie comes off and the Tupac comes on, rapping his way back to his tiny studio in a really awesome part of town that keeps him close to the "action". He has an irrepressible urge to say "your mom does x" after someone makes almost any statement.
5) The Mean Girl - Yes, as in "the Plastics". This girl is attractive and knows it. She is also a walking pile of judgments - every person she sees gets sized up, whether it be a 3-year-old or someone her own age. Common thoughts that pass through her mind are "Eww, buy some jeans that fit, muffin top", "You REALLY need some makeup, like NOW", and "Your face makes me want to gouge out my own eyeballs." Her favorite pastime is group judging with her friends when they go to public places or watch TV together. She has no qualms about the fact that her looks get her things, and secretly enjoys the attention she gets when she wears "going out" clothes. She also only has attractive friends - hot chicks in a group can get ANYTHING.
6) The guy who lives with his mom - He's in his 30s, and he lives in his parents' basement. He doesn't leave the house often and finds "eating lunch" or "going to the mailbox" as things that likely warrant a nap. People freak him out. Every time he goes somewhere he has to interact with someone, so it's just easier to stay in bed watching Netflix in his comfy PJs than try to function around other people. His laundry piles up until he has to do three loads at once. He's so lazy that instead of going out and getting food he'll make a meal out of random things like a sweet potato, half a quesadilla and some unidentified leftovers in the back of the fridge. He is likely over 300lbs and a virgin.
So there's the breakdown. I'm sure there's more in there, but they don't show themselves that often. What 31-year-old white chick sings Marvin Gaye in her car while wearing a dinosaur tshirt and cursing everyone in her path? Probably the same one that, after being robbed and bleeding out of multiple wounds, stops crying for a good ten seconds upon entering the home of the good Samaritan helping out and gasps "You have an EAMES CHAIR?" only to resume crying momentarily. Yep. That sounds about right.
1) The 65-year-old black man - He loves his Motown. This guy is likely seen driving around town grooving to the oldies in his car. He probably wears a hat most of the time, an old guy hat - like a plaid newsboy cap or whatever the fuck old dudes wear. He may very well embarrass his children with his wardrobe and attempts to get them to dance to the Temptations with him when they visit home. He doesn't give a fuck, he's just having a good time. He enjoys a good, long sit on the porch on a sunny day and probably whistles his groovin' tunes while he does it. And he never takes off the goddamn hat.
2) The crotchety old woman - This old bitch lives alone and hates everyone. She's probably yelled at you to get off her lawn more than once and is frequently cursing under her breath about the "damn kids" in the neighborhood. She doesn't want to talk to you and gets pissed off when strangers try to start a conversation. She gets immense pleasure calling the police on the "damn kids" when they barely screw up because she hates them so goddamned much. When there aren't any kids to curse at, she can often be found on her couch with her cats, watching Law and Order marathons and actually calling the number on the ad for the Rascal scooter but decides every time that it's too expensive. The only thing she eats is grilled cheese.
3) The flamboyant interior designer/antiquer - This guy gets WAY too impressed when you have a piece of designer furniture or something rare and vintage. If you invite him over to your home for dinner and you happen to share his design style, he'll be so overwhelmed by your décor that he likely can't hold a conversation without telling you the history of the architect or furniture designer. You can really impress him by having original mid-century pieces, like an Eames chair or case study bed. He watches Mad Men especially for the furniture and fashion. If you don't know or care about architecture and design, you want to fucking kill this guy every minute of your life.
4) The frat boy - This guy does things specifically because they're stupid. If he can make someone laugh with his dumb antics, he has succeeded in life. He knows all the lines to Family Guy and hates it when people talk about actual important topics like politics or current events. No time for that! Time to party! Time to have fun! Why so serious? He wants to be the fun guy, the one everyone wants to hang out with, the one people say "Wicked awesome party, bra" to. When he enters the real world and gets a job, he feels completely out of place in a professional environment and has to put on a fake persona to get by. The second he's out of work, the tie comes off and the Tupac comes on, rapping his way back to his tiny studio in a really awesome part of town that keeps him close to the "action". He has an irrepressible urge to say "your mom does x" after someone makes almost any statement.
5) The Mean Girl - Yes, as in "the Plastics". This girl is attractive and knows it. She is also a walking pile of judgments - every person she sees gets sized up, whether it be a 3-year-old or someone her own age. Common thoughts that pass through her mind are "Eww, buy some jeans that fit, muffin top", "You REALLY need some makeup, like NOW", and "Your face makes me want to gouge out my own eyeballs." Her favorite pastime is group judging with her friends when they go to public places or watch TV together. She has no qualms about the fact that her looks get her things, and secretly enjoys the attention she gets when she wears "going out" clothes. She also only has attractive friends - hot chicks in a group can get ANYTHING.
6) The guy who lives with his mom - He's in his 30s, and he lives in his parents' basement. He doesn't leave the house often and finds "eating lunch" or "going to the mailbox" as things that likely warrant a nap. People freak him out. Every time he goes somewhere he has to interact with someone, so it's just easier to stay in bed watching Netflix in his comfy PJs than try to function around other people. His laundry piles up until he has to do three loads at once. He's so lazy that instead of going out and getting food he'll make a meal out of random things like a sweet potato, half a quesadilla and some unidentified leftovers in the back of the fridge. He is likely over 300lbs and a virgin.
So there's the breakdown. I'm sure there's more in there, but they don't show themselves that often. What 31-year-old white chick sings Marvin Gaye in her car while wearing a dinosaur tshirt and cursing everyone in her path? Probably the same one that, after being robbed and bleeding out of multiple wounds, stops crying for a good ten seconds upon entering the home of the good Samaritan helping out and gasps "You have an EAMES CHAIR?" only to resume crying momentarily. Yep. That sounds about right.
Monday, November 11, 2013
WHEN I GROW UP
When you're a little kid, everyone always asks you what you want to be when you grow up. Super young kids say things like princesses or Batman, but getting into elementary school they begin to get semi-realistic. Semi.
When I was asked what I wanted to be, my first response was "Robin Williams." I think that took some people off guard, since apparently it isn't normal for a blonde 8-year-old girl to aspire to be a small, hairy funny guy with a coke habit. I eventually changed my tune, and decided on archaeology. When I learned that all the mummies had already been found and were in museums waiting to be seen, I changed again. Perhaps the one I kept for the longest was architect - and that still remains one of my passions that I sadly don't have the math skills or requisite degrees to pursue.
It's normal to change your mind a lot as a kid. I think at one time I wanted to be an airline pilot. That would scare the living fuck out of me now. But there comes a time in your "adult" life (adult as referring to the age limits set by the government, which obviously do not coincide with maturity levels) when you don't get to change your mind anymore. Some people find a job right out of college and stay in that industry, others go to grad school with a clear path in mind that generally they stick to. And then there's me.
At that same point when people start getting jobs and sticking to them, it really sort of becomes unacceptable to change your mind. Once you pass grad school age, you're kinda SOL if you haven't found your niche. You're no longer "aspiring" or "experimenting", you're lazy and a fuck up.
Law school, ironically enough, is called a "terminal degree" - one where you can't get any higher in the field than that. I was hoping it would be my terminal degree, but things don't always turn out the way you want them to. If you asked me the day I graduated law school what I'd be doing at age 31, it sure as hell wouldn't be "single, unemployed graduate student living with my brother and two cats." I'd have said I'd be married, hopefully living in California (ONE goal achieved, check) and likely be prosecuting big time criminals as a US Attorney. Let's all get a good laugh out of that one for a second.
If you'd asked me last year what I'd be doing when I graduated USC in May, I'd likely have said something very specific about doing PR for this or that agency or company. You ask me now? I don't have a fucking clue. Every minute of the past semester I've been terrified of graduating, not because I'm not ready to enter the workforce, but because I'm afraid the workforce won't want me.
I was at an interview last week for a job that meshed both my law degree and PR degree into an internship. I was really interested because it involved interesting law and a lot of writing. Obviously, as I sit here at 1am on a Sunday night (Monday morning?) blogging, it's pretty clear that I enjoy writing to some degree. The interviewer asked me standard questions, why I wanted the job etc., which I think I answered with enough vigor to show I'd be a good employee. Then she asked me what I see myself doing in five years.
With the way my life has gone, and not all of it bad in any way, I could be living on a houseboat in Hawaii making odd crafts I sell on Etsy in 5 years. I could be a lawyer again. I could be a professor. Where do I think I'll be in five years? The only honest answer is "alive" and very likely still on the west coast. Where do I WANT to be in five years? Happy. Doing what, I don't care. I don't know where my money will come from or what I'll be doing, but I hope to god I'm happy.
While the interview went well I think, I left feeling depressed. Angry, depressed and irritated. I'm tired of people asking me what I want to be when I grow up. I know I'm fucking 31 and should have some idea of what I want to do with my life, but I don't. Honestly, if I could choose ANYTHING, I'd be a writer. I'd write for Chelsea Lately or Saturday Night Live, or some other comedy. I'd write books, snarky memoirs and tales of my dating woes.
I'm not lazy, irresponsible or a fuck up. I have an honest confusion as to where I want my career to take me, or where to even start. I'm past the point of what I "want" to do, now it's "that wouldn't be so bad." Now I just need to find a job so I can support myself and so people won't look at me like I'm some sort of child who needs tending because I can't make up my mind. I hate having to explain myself to people I meet when they ask me "what do you do?" I'm tired of talking about it. It happens every day. Every damn day someone reminds me that I'm very much an adult and very much not at the right point in my life.
Stop making me explain myself. If I could do that, I'd likely have the answer to my own questions. I don't. I'll find something I don't mind doing that will support me and pay my bills, but I don't know what that is right now. Stop making me explain why I left law. Stop making me feel like I made a mistake because of a horrific experience and that I'd likely still be employed if not for what that did to me. Maybe I did make a mistake, but I would have never found that out without going through school last year and having stress lead to my PTSD diagnosis.
All I want is some stability. I want to know I have a job when I graduate. I want to know that soon people will look at me as a real adult and not some wandering hippie child out to find meaning in life. I'm still looking. Who knows when I'll find that meaning, but at least I can have people see me as a normal person while doing it once I graduate.
The only people in my life that I know understand me are my parents. Both changed careers in their mid-forties. I'm lucky to have supportive parents because this is a tricky situation, especially financially. I'm glad they're not the prodding annoying parents who are angry that I haven't (and don't plan on) given them grandchildren. I'm harder on myself than they are on me. I always have been. I just want everyone else to see that I'm trying. Eventually I can be included in dinners to nice restaurants or other things I currently can't afford. Eventually I won't be "the poor friend." I guess I'm just a late bloomer.
When I was asked what I wanted to be, my first response was "Robin Williams." I think that took some people off guard, since apparently it isn't normal for a blonde 8-year-old girl to aspire to be a small, hairy funny guy with a coke habit. I eventually changed my tune, and decided on archaeology. When I learned that all the mummies had already been found and were in museums waiting to be seen, I changed again. Perhaps the one I kept for the longest was architect - and that still remains one of my passions that I sadly don't have the math skills or requisite degrees to pursue.
It's normal to change your mind a lot as a kid. I think at one time I wanted to be an airline pilot. That would scare the living fuck out of me now. But there comes a time in your "adult" life (adult as referring to the age limits set by the government, which obviously do not coincide with maturity levels) when you don't get to change your mind anymore. Some people find a job right out of college and stay in that industry, others go to grad school with a clear path in mind that generally they stick to. And then there's me.
At that same point when people start getting jobs and sticking to them, it really sort of becomes unacceptable to change your mind. Once you pass grad school age, you're kinda SOL if you haven't found your niche. You're no longer "aspiring" or "experimenting", you're lazy and a fuck up.
Law school, ironically enough, is called a "terminal degree" - one where you can't get any higher in the field than that. I was hoping it would be my terminal degree, but things don't always turn out the way you want them to. If you asked me the day I graduated law school what I'd be doing at age 31, it sure as hell wouldn't be "single, unemployed graduate student living with my brother and two cats." I'd have said I'd be married, hopefully living in California (ONE goal achieved, check) and likely be prosecuting big time criminals as a US Attorney. Let's all get a good laugh out of that one for a second.
If you'd asked me last year what I'd be doing when I graduated USC in May, I'd likely have said something very specific about doing PR for this or that agency or company. You ask me now? I don't have a fucking clue. Every minute of the past semester I've been terrified of graduating, not because I'm not ready to enter the workforce, but because I'm afraid the workforce won't want me.
I was at an interview last week for a job that meshed both my law degree and PR degree into an internship. I was really interested because it involved interesting law and a lot of writing. Obviously, as I sit here at 1am on a Sunday night (Monday morning?) blogging, it's pretty clear that I enjoy writing to some degree. The interviewer asked me standard questions, why I wanted the job etc., which I think I answered with enough vigor to show I'd be a good employee. Then she asked me what I see myself doing in five years.
With the way my life has gone, and not all of it bad in any way, I could be living on a houseboat in Hawaii making odd crafts I sell on Etsy in 5 years. I could be a lawyer again. I could be a professor. Where do I think I'll be in five years? The only honest answer is "alive" and very likely still on the west coast. Where do I WANT to be in five years? Happy. Doing what, I don't care. I don't know where my money will come from or what I'll be doing, but I hope to god I'm happy.
While the interview went well I think, I left feeling depressed. Angry, depressed and irritated. I'm tired of people asking me what I want to be when I grow up. I know I'm fucking 31 and should have some idea of what I want to do with my life, but I don't. Honestly, if I could choose ANYTHING, I'd be a writer. I'd write for Chelsea Lately or Saturday Night Live, or some other comedy. I'd write books, snarky memoirs and tales of my dating woes.
I'm not lazy, irresponsible or a fuck up. I have an honest confusion as to where I want my career to take me, or where to even start. I'm past the point of what I "want" to do, now it's "that wouldn't be so bad." Now I just need to find a job so I can support myself and so people won't look at me like I'm some sort of child who needs tending because I can't make up my mind. I hate having to explain myself to people I meet when they ask me "what do you do?" I'm tired of talking about it. It happens every day. Every damn day someone reminds me that I'm very much an adult and very much not at the right point in my life.
Stop making me explain myself. If I could do that, I'd likely have the answer to my own questions. I don't. I'll find something I don't mind doing that will support me and pay my bills, but I don't know what that is right now. Stop making me explain why I left law. Stop making me feel like I made a mistake because of a horrific experience and that I'd likely still be employed if not for what that did to me. Maybe I did make a mistake, but I would have never found that out without going through school last year and having stress lead to my PTSD diagnosis.
All I want is some stability. I want to know I have a job when I graduate. I want to know that soon people will look at me as a real adult and not some wandering hippie child out to find meaning in life. I'm still looking. Who knows when I'll find that meaning, but at least I can have people see me as a normal person while doing it once I graduate.
The only people in my life that I know understand me are my parents. Both changed careers in their mid-forties. I'm lucky to have supportive parents because this is a tricky situation, especially financially. I'm glad they're not the prodding annoying parents who are angry that I haven't (and don't plan on) given them grandchildren. I'm harder on myself than they are on me. I always have been. I just want everyone else to see that I'm trying. Eventually I can be included in dinners to nice restaurants or other things I currently can't afford. Eventually I won't be "the poor friend." I guess I'm just a late bloomer.
Sunday, October 27, 2013
YOU'RE SINGLE BECAUSE YOU'RE A CLOSET RACIST
Someday my posts about bad dates will end, and I'll have a good date that lasts forever, but until then I suppose I can at least keep you entertained.
I met a nice young man at a friend's wedding recently. I wasn't necessarily looking to meet someone since the wedding was out-of-town, but it turned out that this guy lived in south LA. He seemed fun and social at the wedding, and was very polite - he'd go and get me drinks when I was about to go so I could continue to dance, etc (no, he did not roofie me, sorry). At the post-wedding brunch the next morning he even offered to get me some advil for my hangover, which he did promptly. Very thoughtful.
We didn't exchange numbers because there was always some awkward group dynamic, but he asked the bride for my number and we started chatting. I invited him to Oktoberfest since it was near his place, and he not only came, he stood in line with me for a whole hour to get tickets since I didn't get them online (whoopsie). Bought all my beers that night, etc.
So we hang out for a couple of weeks, and I'm still not entirely sure if I'm interested or not, because I feel like he hasn't opened up much. A few things did sort of slip out, though, that I was slightly disturbed by. In passing, driving to lunch or somewhere, he was talking about the new things they were building in his neighborhood, and then mentioned that it had gotten a lot more "ethnic" than when he first moved there. Um, son, you live in LOS ANGELES. In any given day, I am likely to hear at LEAST 3 languages, possibly more (English, Spanish, Armenian, Chinese, Farsi...) and he seems "surprised" that ANYWHERE in the city is "ethnic?" I began to be on my guard, because I didn't like that statement.
Last week I invited him to a friend's Halloween party, because I was sort of hoping that was an isolated incident and perhaps he'd start opening up in a party atmosphere, like when I first met him. A couple of days later, he texted me a picture of Milli Vanilli. After a complete WTF moment, he said that was what he was being for Halloween. Funny, yet not so funny if you only have Milli and not Vanilli...but whatever he wanted to do.
A couple of days later he texts me with a picture of him in costume, a hat, wig, and sunglasses. He looked like Ozzy Osbourne, and I told him that jokingly. And then here it came:
"I won't when I'm wearing my makeup!"
Hoping to all that was holy he was talking about some sort of Michael Jackson eyeliner or the like and not what I assumed, I asked
"Um...makeup?"
"Yeah, my face paint."
"You mean blackface?"
"Yeah"
"NO." followed by "You're joking right?"
"No, why?"
"Seriously?"
"??"
"Dude it's fucking 2013, you can't fucking wear blackface!!!"
"Why not?"
"BECAUSE IT'S INSANELY RACIST"
The conversation continued with him seemingly COMPLETELY IGNORANT of the fact that blackface hasn't been socially acceptable since like 1930, not to mention that it's ALWAYS been racist... So I told him that under no circumstances would he be wearing blackface to my friend's party, and I would not attend ANY party with him if he wore that. He agreed not to, but still didn't really seem to understand.
I called him the next day. "Dude. Do you REALLY not understand why it's not ok to wear blackface?"
"Well, no..."
I told him the story of fraternities and sororities that got in major trouble for having only a FEW of their many members wear blackface at parties, and that these people were suspended or put on probation from their house. And this was in TEXAS. We're in LA. I'm surprised I don't slip in a puddle of rainbows and liberalism on a daily basis, and this guy had literally no concept of how offensive this was.
He didn't say much in response. No "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was that out of line" or "I had no idea, I will definitely not do it now." Just sort of quiet on the other line occasionally mumbling "ok" every now and then, and not like he'd had some revelation of his idiocy. I don't know why I didn't take this occasion to get rid of him quickly and easily, but I think I was still in a state of shock that a human being in one of the most diverse and liberal cities in the country didn't know blackface was racist.
I took the opportunity to ask another question: "How do you feel about gay people?"
"Well, I don't know any really, but I don't have a problem with them."
You don't know any gay people? Once again. Los Angeles. I'm practically TRIPPING OVER GAY PEOPLE and you don't know ANY? Who are you? I'd say nearly a quarter of my friends are gay. I pictured a few years down the line with this guy and attending a gay friend's wedding, and it wasn't looking pretty.
I did end up taking him to the Halloween party since he promised not to wear his "makeup" and because I didn't want the drama of disinviting him when I can just slowly phase out seeing him and answering texts. The whole day before the party, I was so excited about my costume, but so dreading the party. I didn't want to have to babysit him, or really hang out with him at all. Luckily he didn't follow me around like a puppy so I was able to get away and have conversations with other people (ironically most of the party was either non-white or gay, with me and only a couple of others as the white folk).
I could also go into how he couldn't really have a real conversation, his jokes weren't funny, and he couldn't handle 5 seconds of silence and therefore would insert said unfunny jokes into any time I wasn't speaking, but I'm so horrified by the above incident that I can barely focus on that. I'm so horrified I couldn't even make this post funny. Also he's not on Facebook. Like has NEVER had an account. Obviously some people (me...) like it more than others, but someone my own age who has never ever had an account? I find that a little odd. At least that means I can post this without any repercussions though :)
I met a nice young man at a friend's wedding recently. I wasn't necessarily looking to meet someone since the wedding was out-of-town, but it turned out that this guy lived in south LA. He seemed fun and social at the wedding, and was very polite - he'd go and get me drinks when I was about to go so I could continue to dance, etc (no, he did not roofie me, sorry). At the post-wedding brunch the next morning he even offered to get me some advil for my hangover, which he did promptly. Very thoughtful.
We didn't exchange numbers because there was always some awkward group dynamic, but he asked the bride for my number and we started chatting. I invited him to Oktoberfest since it was near his place, and he not only came, he stood in line with me for a whole hour to get tickets since I didn't get them online (whoopsie). Bought all my beers that night, etc.
So we hang out for a couple of weeks, and I'm still not entirely sure if I'm interested or not, because I feel like he hasn't opened up much. A few things did sort of slip out, though, that I was slightly disturbed by. In passing, driving to lunch or somewhere, he was talking about the new things they were building in his neighborhood, and then mentioned that it had gotten a lot more "ethnic" than when he first moved there. Um, son, you live in LOS ANGELES. In any given day, I am likely to hear at LEAST 3 languages, possibly more (English, Spanish, Armenian, Chinese, Farsi...) and he seems "surprised" that ANYWHERE in the city is "ethnic?" I began to be on my guard, because I didn't like that statement.
Last week I invited him to a friend's Halloween party, because I was sort of hoping that was an isolated incident and perhaps he'd start opening up in a party atmosphere, like when I first met him. A couple of days later, he texted me a picture of Milli Vanilli. After a complete WTF moment, he said that was what he was being for Halloween. Funny, yet not so funny if you only have Milli and not Vanilli...but whatever he wanted to do.
A couple of days later he texts me with a picture of him in costume, a hat, wig, and sunglasses. He looked like Ozzy Osbourne, and I told him that jokingly. And then here it came:
"I won't when I'm wearing my makeup!"
Hoping to all that was holy he was talking about some sort of Michael Jackson eyeliner or the like and not what I assumed, I asked
"Um...makeup?"
"Yeah, my face paint."
"You mean blackface?"
"Yeah"
"NO." followed by "You're joking right?"
"No, why?"
"Seriously?"
"??"
"Dude it's fucking 2013, you can't fucking wear blackface!!!"
"Why not?"
"BECAUSE IT'S INSANELY RACIST"
The conversation continued with him seemingly COMPLETELY IGNORANT of the fact that blackface hasn't been socially acceptable since like 1930, not to mention that it's ALWAYS been racist... So I told him that under no circumstances would he be wearing blackface to my friend's party, and I would not attend ANY party with him if he wore that. He agreed not to, but still didn't really seem to understand.
I called him the next day. "Dude. Do you REALLY not understand why it's not ok to wear blackface?"
"Well, no..."
I told him the story of fraternities and sororities that got in major trouble for having only a FEW of their many members wear blackface at parties, and that these people were suspended or put on probation from their house. And this was in TEXAS. We're in LA. I'm surprised I don't slip in a puddle of rainbows and liberalism on a daily basis, and this guy had literally no concept of how offensive this was.
He didn't say much in response. No "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was that out of line" or "I had no idea, I will definitely not do it now." Just sort of quiet on the other line occasionally mumbling "ok" every now and then, and not like he'd had some revelation of his idiocy. I don't know why I didn't take this occasion to get rid of him quickly and easily, but I think I was still in a state of shock that a human being in one of the most diverse and liberal cities in the country didn't know blackface was racist.
I took the opportunity to ask another question: "How do you feel about gay people?"
"Well, I don't know any really, but I don't have a problem with them."
You don't know any gay people? Once again. Los Angeles. I'm practically TRIPPING OVER GAY PEOPLE and you don't know ANY? Who are you? I'd say nearly a quarter of my friends are gay. I pictured a few years down the line with this guy and attending a gay friend's wedding, and it wasn't looking pretty.
I did end up taking him to the Halloween party since he promised not to wear his "makeup" and because I didn't want the drama of disinviting him when I can just slowly phase out seeing him and answering texts. The whole day before the party, I was so excited about my costume, but so dreading the party. I didn't want to have to babysit him, or really hang out with him at all. Luckily he didn't follow me around like a puppy so I was able to get away and have conversations with other people (ironically most of the party was either non-white or gay, with me and only a couple of others as the white folk).
I could also go into how he couldn't really have a real conversation, his jokes weren't funny, and he couldn't handle 5 seconds of silence and therefore would insert said unfunny jokes into any time I wasn't speaking, but I'm so horrified by the above incident that I can barely focus on that. I'm so horrified I couldn't even make this post funny. Also he's not on Facebook. Like has NEVER had an account. Obviously some people (me...) like it more than others, but someone my own age who has never ever had an account? I find that a little odd. At least that means I can post this without any repercussions though :)
Monday, October 14, 2013
THE COVER LETTER I WISH I COULD WRITE
I saw an article the other day with the same title, and it got me thinking. While that author was more concerned with the "I need money, I don't care what job I get right now" thing, here's what I'd like to write:
To whom it may concern:
I'm interested in *Position X* that you posted on your website. Let me start by saying I'm qualified - your position does not require years of experience, math skills, a degree in science or technology, nor does it require me to make cold calls or sell things to people who might not want them. I'm not overqualified or underqualified. You're probably a little put off by my law degree, confused as to what I'm looking to do or how much I want you to shell out for a salary. Don't worry, I made less as an attorney than I likely will in your industry, and I would hope that the fact that I'm getting an ENTIRELY NEW DEGREE would show you that I'm not going to just up and leave you when a law firm hires me.
Here's the problem - I can't write you the fanciest, fakest, bullshitty cover letter about how this is my dream job and I will cover your office in stars and happiness and change the path of the company as a whole. The truth is, I don't know what my dream job is. I know what interests me from my classes, but that hardly translates to whether or not I will like a particular job or not (as evidenced by my awful internship in Hong Kong, despite my interest and enjoyment of my corporate PR class).
Here's the real story - if I'm applying to this job, I'm interested in it. The job description seems like something I would enjoy and excel at, yet I can't provide you with an emotional story depicting why this job and I are a perfect match. Internships, as I have found, are trial and error. I won't know if I like your internship or this particular part of PR unless you give me a chance and let me try it out. I'm not supposed to admit this, but I'm experimenting. I'm trying things out that might be a match so that I can find what IS a match for me. I'm not being flaky or just applying so I can have something on my resume - if that was the case I'd also be applying to those jobs that are titled "Social Media Intern" or "Event Planning." I'm not - I'm applying to jobs similar to this one.
Here's what you will get out of me: I have an undergraduate degree in advertising, the aforementioned law degree, and 3/4ths of a masters in public relations. I have five years of experience in one of the MOST professional of all professions - law - so you're not getting a giggly 23-year-old who hasn't been in the real world. I get shit done, I do it well, and I do it efficiently. I have the logical thinking required to offer suggestions if I think something might be improved. I'm able to convince pretty much anyone of anything, which should be of interest to you since your clients might need a little persuasive push on occasion. I have public speaking down to a science, and a room full of CEOs is actually less terrifying than a judge, jury and an undetermined number of felons.
No, I haven't had particular experience with certain things, but I'm a student. I'm seeking an internship. Internships are where you get that experience, and I can't get experience without someone taking a chance on me and hiring me as an intern.
So what is my passion, you ask? Sadly my passions aren't in areas where I'm able to get jobs. Remember the aforementioned lack of math skills and engineering degree? Yeah. My passion is architecture and design. My passion is in learning for the sake of learning. I love science, psychology, and creating things, whether it be art, IKEA furniture, or a new idea for a product. I'm stuck in a world where interests and abilities don't collide, so I have to find a place where I can at least become close to a compromise between them.
If you hire me, you'll get someone who does the work, has good ideas, interacts professionally with her coworkers, and maybe, just maybe, someone who realizes this job actually IS her passion. But you won't know if you don't give ME a chance, just like I won't find my passion if I don't give your company a chance.
So please, for the love of god, hire me.
Sincerely,
Undecided.
To whom it may concern:
I'm interested in *Position X* that you posted on your website. Let me start by saying I'm qualified - your position does not require years of experience, math skills, a degree in science or technology, nor does it require me to make cold calls or sell things to people who might not want them. I'm not overqualified or underqualified. You're probably a little put off by my law degree, confused as to what I'm looking to do or how much I want you to shell out for a salary. Don't worry, I made less as an attorney than I likely will in your industry, and I would hope that the fact that I'm getting an ENTIRELY NEW DEGREE would show you that I'm not going to just up and leave you when a law firm hires me.
Here's the problem - I can't write you the fanciest, fakest, bullshitty cover letter about how this is my dream job and I will cover your office in stars and happiness and change the path of the company as a whole. The truth is, I don't know what my dream job is. I know what interests me from my classes, but that hardly translates to whether or not I will like a particular job or not (as evidenced by my awful internship in Hong Kong, despite my interest and enjoyment of my corporate PR class).
Here's the real story - if I'm applying to this job, I'm interested in it. The job description seems like something I would enjoy and excel at, yet I can't provide you with an emotional story depicting why this job and I are a perfect match. Internships, as I have found, are trial and error. I won't know if I like your internship or this particular part of PR unless you give me a chance and let me try it out. I'm not supposed to admit this, but I'm experimenting. I'm trying things out that might be a match so that I can find what IS a match for me. I'm not being flaky or just applying so I can have something on my resume - if that was the case I'd also be applying to those jobs that are titled "Social Media Intern" or "Event Planning." I'm not - I'm applying to jobs similar to this one.
Here's what you will get out of me: I have an undergraduate degree in advertising, the aforementioned law degree, and 3/4ths of a masters in public relations. I have five years of experience in one of the MOST professional of all professions - law - so you're not getting a giggly 23-year-old who hasn't been in the real world. I get shit done, I do it well, and I do it efficiently. I have the logical thinking required to offer suggestions if I think something might be improved. I'm able to convince pretty much anyone of anything, which should be of interest to you since your clients might need a little persuasive push on occasion. I have public speaking down to a science, and a room full of CEOs is actually less terrifying than a judge, jury and an undetermined number of felons.
No, I haven't had particular experience with certain things, but I'm a student. I'm seeking an internship. Internships are where you get that experience, and I can't get experience without someone taking a chance on me and hiring me as an intern.
So what is my passion, you ask? Sadly my passions aren't in areas where I'm able to get jobs. Remember the aforementioned lack of math skills and engineering degree? Yeah. My passion is architecture and design. My passion is in learning for the sake of learning. I love science, psychology, and creating things, whether it be art, IKEA furniture, or a new idea for a product. I'm stuck in a world where interests and abilities don't collide, so I have to find a place where I can at least become close to a compromise between them.
If you hire me, you'll get someone who does the work, has good ideas, interacts professionally with her coworkers, and maybe, just maybe, someone who realizes this job actually IS her passion. But you won't know if you don't give ME a chance, just like I won't find my passion if I don't give your company a chance.
So please, for the love of god, hire me.
Sincerely,
Undecided.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
AN OPEN LETTER TO THE GUY THAT ROBBED ME
Dear iPhone Thief -
First off, I'd like to congratulate you on getting away with my 2 year old iPhone 4s. That phone will sell for big bucks on the black market, I assure you. Sorry you didn't get the earbuds too, but hey, I had to keep a souvenir. However, I'm a tad bit pissed off that you got my brand new phone cover. I'd had it for two days. TWO DAYS DUDE. I special ordered it because it was SO AWESOME you couldn't get it at any old store. I mean, have you ever seen a phone cover with a space cat shooting laser beams out its eyes? Me neither, until I bought the one you stole. I mean, it had a CAT WITH MOTHERFUCKING LASER BEAMS SHOOTING OUT ITS EYES. IN SPACE. GodDAMN you.
But I digress. What was your plan exactly anyway? Did you assume I'd just be so shocked I would stand there like a statue while you ran into the nice neighborhood to hide? I mean, there was one of you, and you're not very big. Did you have a getaway car up that hill? I'm going to assume you did, because stealing something on foot with no way out is really fucking stupid. Yet I saw no car waiting for you anywhere NEAR where you were going - did you just freak out and get lost? If you're going to rob somebody, you'd probably better not be of the freaking out sort.
I know why you picked me - I'm blonde, I was walking (not running), and in real life I don't look like the crazy bitch that lurks inside of me. I look younger than I am and am not very big. I was wearing my glasses. That automatically put me in the wuss category working out with glasses on. Easy peasy right? Just run up behind this chick, grab the phone out of her hand, and run to some apparently undetermined location (I stress again, bad plan) with the awesomely obsolete phone you stole.
Thank you for picking me. No, really. I mean, this was a new experience for me. I've never been a crime victim before, I'm just used to putting little punk-ass shits like you in prison, hiding behind the power of a badge I no longer carry. No one can really say how they'd react if something like this happened to them, and, despite my background, I honestly didn't know either. Thank you for picking me because I learned that my instinct is to be a GIANT BADASS and come at you like a fucking monster truck. COME AT ME BRO.
In my intense state of rage as I ran after you as fast as I physically could, the most satisfying thing I saw was the fear in your eyes. The complete and utter lack of preparation for the fact that someone like me would fight back and your panic as you tried to figure out the next phase of your plan. I can still see it, the "HOLY SHIT, BITCH BE CRAZY" look in your eyes. If my eyes could adequately convey my feelings (which I'm not sure they can, so this is conjecture), you could've seen that if I caught up to you, you would be in a WORLD OF PAIN. People can pick up cars with adrenaline - I could beat your skinny teen ass like a goddamned yeti with the adrenaline I had that day.
Consider yourself lucky. You're lucky because I'm in pretty pathetic shape right now, strength- and endurance-wise. You're lucky that I have asthma because the only reason I stopped running was because I physically could not put air in my lungs. And you're lucky because I'm a clumsy fuck who, when faced with a 3-block sprint in my condition, pretty much tripped over my own feet as my body gave out.
So while you sit at home enjoying my old phone, I get to sit here enjoying my brand new iPhone 5, which literally became $99 TODAY because you robbed me 2 days before my contract gave me the maximum discount. You won't get $99 out of my phone. Maybe that fucking awesome case, but not the phone.
And while you plot your next poorly-planned robbery attempt, I'll be running. I'll be running in my new running shoes that I will have fitted especially for me. Not running to get fit, like every time I've tried before. Running for a purpose. Running to know that I can catch your punk ass if this were to ever happen again. Running to match the body to the badass living in my brain.
Maybe my actions shocked you enough that you'll think twice about who you try to victimize. Now every woman you see could potentially be as crazy as I am and chase your ass down. Second thoughts now? I hope that when you think of me, you remember fear. I hope you're embarrassed by how close you came to getting caught and beaten on by a girl.
And most of all, I hope you REALLY FUCKING ENJOY MY LASER CAT COVER and appreciate that that is a PRICELESS GEM you happened upon when stealing a phone you hoped would be an iPhone 5. Dick.
Go fuck yourself,
Your Eternal Nemisis
First off, I'd like to congratulate you on getting away with my 2 year old iPhone 4s. That phone will sell for big bucks on the black market, I assure you. Sorry you didn't get the earbuds too, but hey, I had to keep a souvenir. However, I'm a tad bit pissed off that you got my brand new phone cover. I'd had it for two days. TWO DAYS DUDE. I special ordered it because it was SO AWESOME you couldn't get it at any old store. I mean, have you ever seen a phone cover with a space cat shooting laser beams out its eyes? Me neither, until I bought the one you stole. I mean, it had a CAT WITH MOTHERFUCKING LASER BEAMS SHOOTING OUT ITS EYES. IN SPACE. GodDAMN you.
But I digress. What was your plan exactly anyway? Did you assume I'd just be so shocked I would stand there like a statue while you ran into the nice neighborhood to hide? I mean, there was one of you, and you're not very big. Did you have a getaway car up that hill? I'm going to assume you did, because stealing something on foot with no way out is really fucking stupid. Yet I saw no car waiting for you anywhere NEAR where you were going - did you just freak out and get lost? If you're going to rob somebody, you'd probably better not be of the freaking out sort.
I know why you picked me - I'm blonde, I was walking (not running), and in real life I don't look like the crazy bitch that lurks inside of me. I look younger than I am and am not very big. I was wearing my glasses. That automatically put me in the wuss category working out with glasses on. Easy peasy right? Just run up behind this chick, grab the phone out of her hand, and run to some apparently undetermined location (I stress again, bad plan) with the awesomely obsolete phone you stole.
Thank you for picking me. No, really. I mean, this was a new experience for me. I've never been a crime victim before, I'm just used to putting little punk-ass shits like you in prison, hiding behind the power of a badge I no longer carry. No one can really say how they'd react if something like this happened to them, and, despite my background, I honestly didn't know either. Thank you for picking me because I learned that my instinct is to be a GIANT BADASS and come at you like a fucking monster truck. COME AT ME BRO.
In my intense state of rage as I ran after you as fast as I physically could, the most satisfying thing I saw was the fear in your eyes. The complete and utter lack of preparation for the fact that someone like me would fight back and your panic as you tried to figure out the next phase of your plan. I can still see it, the "HOLY SHIT, BITCH BE CRAZY" look in your eyes. If my eyes could adequately convey my feelings (which I'm not sure they can, so this is conjecture), you could've seen that if I caught up to you, you would be in a WORLD OF PAIN. People can pick up cars with adrenaline - I could beat your skinny teen ass like a goddamned yeti with the adrenaline I had that day.
Consider yourself lucky. You're lucky because I'm in pretty pathetic shape right now, strength- and endurance-wise. You're lucky that I have asthma because the only reason I stopped running was because I physically could not put air in my lungs. And you're lucky because I'm a clumsy fuck who, when faced with a 3-block sprint in my condition, pretty much tripped over my own feet as my body gave out.
So while you sit at home enjoying my old phone, I get to sit here enjoying my brand new iPhone 5, which literally became $99 TODAY because you robbed me 2 days before my contract gave me the maximum discount. You won't get $99 out of my phone. Maybe that fucking awesome case, but not the phone.
And while you plot your next poorly-planned robbery attempt, I'll be running. I'll be running in my new running shoes that I will have fitted especially for me. Not running to get fit, like every time I've tried before. Running for a purpose. Running to know that I can catch your punk ass if this were to ever happen again. Running to match the body to the badass living in my brain.
Maybe my actions shocked you enough that you'll think twice about who you try to victimize. Now every woman you see could potentially be as crazy as I am and chase your ass down. Second thoughts now? I hope that when you think of me, you remember fear. I hope you're embarrassed by how close you came to getting caught and beaten on by a girl.
And most of all, I hope you REALLY FUCKING ENJOY MY LASER CAT COVER and appreciate that that is a PRICELESS GEM you happened upon when stealing a phone you hoped would be an iPhone 5. Dick.
Go fuck yourself,
Your Eternal Nemisis
Sunday, August 25, 2013
COMMENTARY ON BEING CHILD-FREE
I have a somewhat unhealthy obsession with Chelsea Lately and all the folks who are on the show, likely because that's my dream job and I want to take over their lives and act like a moron while being paid for it. And like the good fan that I am, I've read the vast majority of Chelsea's books and those by her writers/cohosts.
About a week ago I went to Barnes and Noble, my happy place, and after the requisite hour and a half of browsing, I left with Jen Kirkman's book "I Can Barely Take Care of Myself." Most of the books by the CL staff are just funny memoirs, but Jen's book had a little more substance to it - it addressed the highly controversial (WHY??) topic of voluntarily not having children when you are physically and financially able to care for them. I felt like I was reading something I wrote, because every situation she talks about has happened to me.
Here's the gist of it - if someone (normal) asks a man if he has a girlfriend and he replies "I'm gay," generally the response is "Oh, ok." The conversation stops - or at least the asker doesn't feel the need to ask why said person is gay, or tell them they'll "change their mind" about it in a few years. (I'm basing this on normal, open-minded, gay-friendly people in LA, I'm obviously aware this is not how it goes for many places). Same thing with a couple who doesn't want to get married - it may confuse the asker as to why someone would want to spend their life with someone and not marry them, but that also generally ends with the same "Oh, ok."
I could go on with examples but you get the idea. Now think about when a female (or a couple) is asked when she plans to have kids. The answer "I don't want kids" should garner the exact same "Oh, ok" response as above, but IT NEVER DOES. There's always a confused look and a litany of questions, generally ended with "you'll change your mind." So here, in easy-to-read numbered format, is exactly why I do not wish to have a child or a litter of them.
1) I don't like them. Really, none of them. Not infants, toddlers, whatever's next, preteens, teens, or "young adults." I don't actively wish them ill will, but I just sort of wish they'd go away - their presence irritates me. While I always make a mental note of a child that is very mature or polite and think "they have very good parents," I still don't care to be around them. There are kids that I tolerate or appreciate, such as friends' kids and relatives, but simply because they're smart and well-mannered doesn't mean I have any interest in interacting with them.
2) I don't enjoy kid things. Some people are very in tune with their inner child and having kids is their way to re-enjoy the things they did as a kid with their own children. I'm perhaps more in tune with my inner 13-year-old boy - I'm a smart ass and appreciate inappropriate humor. I don't want to play with your dolls or GI Joe or have a tea party with your imaginary friend. I think back on the things I enjoyed as a kid (minus sports, which I still enjoy) and they were all rather inane. I would actually make up storylines for my My Little Ponies and Barbies, pretend I was a Ninja Turtle while playing outside with friends and randomly make up songs about what I was doing. My dad is very in touch with his inner child - he loved to play with our Hot Wheels with us and put vinyl floor instead of carpet in our new house specifically for that reason. I get the same feeling thinking about participating in those activities now with a child as I do when you tell me I'm going to go be a cashier for 8 hours at a retail store.
3) Disposable income. Now, I've never actually SEEN this, but I hear it really exists later in life. Something about "extra money" that I can used to do whatever I want. It sounds grand, and I'm quite looking forward to it. I have a fuckton* of student loans (*actual unit of measurement). In the two and a half years I was actually employed full time, I paid on those student loans. Unpleasant, but not debilitating. Yes, I'm getting more right now, but the thought of the extra money I'll have to pay doesn't frighten me as it does others - since I have no intention of having any children, I'm pretty okay living on a budget for a while to pay those suckers off - which I will be able to do significantly faster than folks who have kids, or are planning a "good time" financially to have them.
4) Freedom. Basically, with the only burdens being my career and my husband's, I'm free to move about the country. I'm free to take jobs in other places (not that I really want to leave here, oh, ever) or follow my husband if he gets a new job with basically not a second thought. I'm free to live wherever the hell I want - I'm not cloistered by school districts or the necessity of having a yard. We can buy a home in an awesome location that's smaller than the others because we don't need extra room. I can have NICE FURNITURE, like the glorious Eames lounger I dream of daily, without worrying that it'll be destroyed. I can sleep in on weekends, take spur-of-the-moment trips, spend time simply relaxing with a book on the porch or taking a walk through the neighborhood. I can't even have a dog, and I LIKE dogs. The schedule that revolves around a dog is like that of a kid - take it out however many times a day, make sure you don't get there late or he'll shit on the floor and you'll have to clean it up (EWWWWWW), frequent vet appointments and generally being bothered to play all the rest of the time. Seriously, sometimes my CAT is too needy.
5) Pregnancy and childbirth. Don't even get me started. This one doesn't need a paragraph, it needs a LIST:
- Morning sickness - before I was on birth control, I would literally have morning sickness EVERY MONTH. If it happened for that much of a non-event as my monthly girly time, there's no way I'm going to be one of the lucky ones that doesn't vomit every twelve minutes.
- Medication - I'm on 4 different medications and have been for 13 years (two are newer). You're not supposed to be on any medication when you're pregnant, because any number of them will cause your fetus to grow 3 legs and a second head, so it's a non-question that I would have to get completely off my meds. About a year ago, I had the hilarious idea of seeing what my body would do if I got off birth control and I only lasted one week before I went completely batshit hormonal crazy. And that's the LEAST disruptive of my medications - getting off the others for 9 months (or longer) would produce withdrawal symptoms so bad I'd likely have to be hospitalized for a short time, and then the thought of me without them? Pregnancy hormones minus meds that keep me from being batshit crazy equals DISASTER, and likely a divorce but hopefully not a criminal record. You never know though.
- Weight gain - I've never gained a significant amount of weight. I've fluctuated at most 15lbs since I was in college at any given time. It's hard enough for me to lose ten pounds - losing 20 or 40? Nope. Especially with joys like stretch marks and saggy skin - and saggy BOOBS. That's all a disaster I cannot handle.
- Actual childbirth - When someone tells me they're going to do "natural" childbirth without pain meds, I feel like they just told me they were going to go throw themself in front of a moving car. First of all, nothing the size of a basketball is coming out of my vagina. Sorry, it's just not happening. And even the pain meds are terrifying - have you SEEN an epidural needle? I nearly vomit every time I see one on TV. I'd 100% schedule an elective c-section, because having them rip the kid out of my stomach after throwing my organs out of place is still more desirable than the alternative.
6) Seriously, nothing about having children is appealing. Nothing. I'm obviously in the minority on that fact, and I realize this, but those things that you think are fantastic and make all the late nights and early mornings and other irritating child disruptions worth it? I don't think they're fantastic. I've thought about this at length. All of the things people love about having children are really not things I either want or care about. When I picture my future, thinking about what I'll be doing at 45 or 50, I never picture kids. I'm generally not even actively thinking about kids and not having them when I daydream - they just organically do not show up in my future life.
In the book, people would tell Jen Kirman that she's "selfish" for not bringing a child into the world. I ask you this - is it more selfish to not do something you're not 100% committed to or to do what's "expected" and have a child whose mommy resents them, even just a little, for taking over their life? No one wants to have, or be, a guilt baby. Babies should be wanted and have warm, loving parents that want to put the kid first in their life over vacations, careers, money, etc. Would you want someone like me, who admitted to not liking children, to have one? I'm not like my friends who have kids who strongly wanted a family that included children. My friends with kids are fantastic parents - because they wanted to be PARENTS. Their families make me slightly less worried about humanity in 50 years, unlike what I see on reality TV.
So in conclusion, now you don't have to ask me why. It's all laid out up there. You secretly believe I'll change my mind. I not-so-secretly know you're wrong.
In the wise words of my all-knowing 93-year-old grandma, "If you don't want kids, don't have them! Not everyone needs to have kids, you know." Preach it, Grandma.
However, for those of you that do have kids - PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE THEM BE PRESIDENT SOMEDAY or I fear we might end up with President Honey Boo Boo.
About a week ago I went to Barnes and Noble, my happy place, and after the requisite hour and a half of browsing, I left with Jen Kirkman's book "I Can Barely Take Care of Myself." Most of the books by the CL staff are just funny memoirs, but Jen's book had a little more substance to it - it addressed the highly controversial (WHY??) topic of voluntarily not having children when you are physically and financially able to care for them. I felt like I was reading something I wrote, because every situation she talks about has happened to me.
Here's the gist of it - if someone (normal) asks a man if he has a girlfriend and he replies "I'm gay," generally the response is "Oh, ok." The conversation stops - or at least the asker doesn't feel the need to ask why said person is gay, or tell them they'll "change their mind" about it in a few years. (I'm basing this on normal, open-minded, gay-friendly people in LA, I'm obviously aware this is not how it goes for many places). Same thing with a couple who doesn't want to get married - it may confuse the asker as to why someone would want to spend their life with someone and not marry them, but that also generally ends with the same "Oh, ok."
I could go on with examples but you get the idea. Now think about when a female (or a couple) is asked when she plans to have kids. The answer "I don't want kids" should garner the exact same "Oh, ok" response as above, but IT NEVER DOES. There's always a confused look and a litany of questions, generally ended with "you'll change your mind." So here, in easy-to-read numbered format, is exactly why I do not wish to have a child or a litter of them.
1) I don't like them. Really, none of them. Not infants, toddlers, whatever's next, preteens, teens, or "young adults." I don't actively wish them ill will, but I just sort of wish they'd go away - their presence irritates me. While I always make a mental note of a child that is very mature or polite and think "they have very good parents," I still don't care to be around them. There are kids that I tolerate or appreciate, such as friends' kids and relatives, but simply because they're smart and well-mannered doesn't mean I have any interest in interacting with them.
2) I don't enjoy kid things. Some people are very in tune with their inner child and having kids is their way to re-enjoy the things they did as a kid with their own children. I'm perhaps more in tune with my inner 13-year-old boy - I'm a smart ass and appreciate inappropriate humor. I don't want to play with your dolls or GI Joe or have a tea party with your imaginary friend. I think back on the things I enjoyed as a kid (minus sports, which I still enjoy) and they were all rather inane. I would actually make up storylines for my My Little Ponies and Barbies, pretend I was a Ninja Turtle while playing outside with friends and randomly make up songs about what I was doing. My dad is very in touch with his inner child - he loved to play with our Hot Wheels with us and put vinyl floor instead of carpet in our new house specifically for that reason. I get the same feeling thinking about participating in those activities now with a child as I do when you tell me I'm going to go be a cashier for 8 hours at a retail store.
3) Disposable income. Now, I've never actually SEEN this, but I hear it really exists later in life. Something about "extra money" that I can used to do whatever I want. It sounds grand, and I'm quite looking forward to it. I have a fuckton* of student loans (*actual unit of measurement). In the two and a half years I was actually employed full time, I paid on those student loans. Unpleasant, but not debilitating. Yes, I'm getting more right now, but the thought of the extra money I'll have to pay doesn't frighten me as it does others - since I have no intention of having any children, I'm pretty okay living on a budget for a while to pay those suckers off - which I will be able to do significantly faster than folks who have kids, or are planning a "good time" financially to have them.
4) Freedom. Basically, with the only burdens being my career and my husband's, I'm free to move about the country. I'm free to take jobs in other places (not that I really want to leave here, oh, ever) or follow my husband if he gets a new job with basically not a second thought. I'm free to live wherever the hell I want - I'm not cloistered by school districts or the necessity of having a yard. We can buy a home in an awesome location that's smaller than the others because we don't need extra room. I can have NICE FURNITURE, like the glorious Eames lounger I dream of daily, without worrying that it'll be destroyed. I can sleep in on weekends, take spur-of-the-moment trips, spend time simply relaxing with a book on the porch or taking a walk through the neighborhood. I can't even have a dog, and I LIKE dogs. The schedule that revolves around a dog is like that of a kid - take it out however many times a day, make sure you don't get there late or he'll shit on the floor and you'll have to clean it up (EWWWWWW), frequent vet appointments and generally being bothered to play all the rest of the time. Seriously, sometimes my CAT is too needy.
5) Pregnancy and childbirth. Don't even get me started. This one doesn't need a paragraph, it needs a LIST:
- Morning sickness - before I was on birth control, I would literally have morning sickness EVERY MONTH. If it happened for that much of a non-event as my monthly girly time, there's no way I'm going to be one of the lucky ones that doesn't vomit every twelve minutes.
- Medication - I'm on 4 different medications and have been for 13 years (two are newer). You're not supposed to be on any medication when you're pregnant, because any number of them will cause your fetus to grow 3 legs and a second head, so it's a non-question that I would have to get completely off my meds. About a year ago, I had the hilarious idea of seeing what my body would do if I got off birth control and I only lasted one week before I went completely batshit hormonal crazy. And that's the LEAST disruptive of my medications - getting off the others for 9 months (or longer) would produce withdrawal symptoms so bad I'd likely have to be hospitalized for a short time, and then the thought of me without them? Pregnancy hormones minus meds that keep me from being batshit crazy equals DISASTER, and likely a divorce but hopefully not a criminal record. You never know though.
- Weight gain - I've never gained a significant amount of weight. I've fluctuated at most 15lbs since I was in college at any given time. It's hard enough for me to lose ten pounds - losing 20 or 40? Nope. Especially with joys like stretch marks and saggy skin - and saggy BOOBS. That's all a disaster I cannot handle.
- Actual childbirth - When someone tells me they're going to do "natural" childbirth without pain meds, I feel like they just told me they were going to go throw themself in front of a moving car. First of all, nothing the size of a basketball is coming out of my vagina. Sorry, it's just not happening. And even the pain meds are terrifying - have you SEEN an epidural needle? I nearly vomit every time I see one on TV. I'd 100% schedule an elective c-section, because having them rip the kid out of my stomach after throwing my organs out of place is still more desirable than the alternative.
6) Seriously, nothing about having children is appealing. Nothing. I'm obviously in the minority on that fact, and I realize this, but those things that you think are fantastic and make all the late nights and early mornings and other irritating child disruptions worth it? I don't think they're fantastic. I've thought about this at length. All of the things people love about having children are really not things I either want or care about. When I picture my future, thinking about what I'll be doing at 45 or 50, I never picture kids. I'm generally not even actively thinking about kids and not having them when I daydream - they just organically do not show up in my future life.
In the book, people would tell Jen Kirman that she's "selfish" for not bringing a child into the world. I ask you this - is it more selfish to not do something you're not 100% committed to or to do what's "expected" and have a child whose mommy resents them, even just a little, for taking over their life? No one wants to have, or be, a guilt baby. Babies should be wanted and have warm, loving parents that want to put the kid first in their life over vacations, careers, money, etc. Would you want someone like me, who admitted to not liking children, to have one? I'm not like my friends who have kids who strongly wanted a family that included children. My friends with kids are fantastic parents - because they wanted to be PARENTS. Their families make me slightly less worried about humanity in 50 years, unlike what I see on reality TV.
So in conclusion, now you don't have to ask me why. It's all laid out up there. You secretly believe I'll change my mind. I not-so-secretly know you're wrong.
In the wise words of my all-knowing 93-year-old grandma, "If you don't want kids, don't have them! Not everyone needs to have kids, you know." Preach it, Grandma.
However, for those of you that do have kids - PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE THEM BE PRESIDENT SOMEDAY or I fear we might end up with President Honey Boo Boo.
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