Monday, April 18, 2011


We've all been on one side or another of unrequited love. It's a sad thing, having feelings for someone who doesn't share them, but at some point in your life you have to suck it up, be a big boy, and get the hell over it. That point in your life is now.

Everyone has crushes that will never turn into anything. I, for example, dream daily about how Bradley Cooper and I will get married on the beach and be the most beautiful blue-eyed Hollywood couple and neither of us will get fat, old, or bald. However, I have enough sense to know that, as upsetting as it is, I will probably never even meet Bradley Cooper, let alone marry him or even so much as touch his shirt. My dreams of Bradley don't get in the way of snagging 23-year-old Joel McHale lookalikes in Las Vegas, but some people simply wallow in their own self-pity and convince themselves that I or whomever they desire will come around eventually.

Look. I know you want to date me. We're friends, you have a crush on me, and it's pretty obvious. Seeing that I'm a female and we pick up on things a little quicker than our male counterparts, I figured that out a long time ago. Now, think for a second - I'm single, have been for three years, and have said many times to many people I would like a relationship. Would you not think that I, in my infinite wisdom and ability to sense your blatantly obvious feelings, would take advantage of the fact that you liked me if I liked you back? Why would I be out looking for a date if I knew I had one right here waiting for me? OH RIGHT, BECAUSE I'M NOT INTERESTED.

No, buddy, I'm not going to come around, so stop messaging me every time I get online, unless you have something really interesting to tell me - for instance, if you saw a man catch fire on the sidewalk on the way to work. I want to hear about that, I don't even care if the person telling me is someone I hate, that's a fucking interesting story.

The word "subtlety" was left out of the man dictionary, so I have spelled it out to you many times, with actual words. We are not dating. We will never date. Yes, I enjoy you as a friend, but that doesn't automatically translate into "I like you, eventually we can get married, but let me date all these other guys first." I'm about as likely to have a change of heart and come running to you as I am to Jesus, which in no uncertain terms means you don't stand a chance.

Stop waiting. Go find someone who actually likes you. If I'm friends with you, that probably means you're not a complete douche who actually could succeed in a relationship, so there's someone out there for you. Just, unfortunately, not me.

And if you happen to be attractive enough that I might enjoy the occasional makeout, that still doesn't mean I'll come around. When I said before we made out "We are not dating, we will never date, I just want to make out" I was not using code - I'm a lawyer, we spell things out pretty bluntly. Don't put your hand on my leg, don't rub my back, especially not in public when there might be guys I could date watching. You do that with a girlfriend, not a makeout buddy, and I've made it VERY clear I will never be the latter. I attached the proper warning labels and you chose to ignore them.

So go, seriously. Go find a date, a wife, whatever, because you're not getting any younger and I'm not getting any more interested.

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